Well, I set out to let thing go, to go all out and literally push my body to its limit on what it can do. I was at full steam last Wednesday, when I cam2cam on Skype with a guy that I have gotten to know fairly well. Well I jerked off for him several times, and I have to say after two times with him I was unable to actually cum for him. This was very embarrassing for me, because on the third occasion (on Wednesday) it looked like the same thing was going to happen again; keep in mind the last time I came was on Sunday, so you would think by Wednesday my body would be able to do it. After at least an hour of this, I was unsuccessful. I don't know if it was stage fright or what, but I simply could not do it no matter how hard I tried! I would understand this issue if it was the same day as me blowing my load, but it had been three days! Well finally, after about an hour and 15 mins, maybe, I did it for him, but we did not go at the same time as we had hoped. We have not chatted or spoken on cam since then, which leads me to believe he may have lost interest in me. *_*.
I can't say I'm surprised, this is what happens with internet friendships. I was friends with another guy, who seemed to be into the same things I was into, but he too has left me alone once he gotten to know me and realize that I am not his type. I must say this is for the best, even though it is disappointing. I'm very new to the gay scene, and so I need to find out who I am looking for in a guy and what I really want, and take things slow.
After Wednesday's disappointment, I decided to take a break, not even think about masturbation until my body reminded me about it. I was fine until just now. It's Saturday, so it had been another 2 and half days of nothing. I even did not force myself to cum, just took things easy, and sure enough after about 5 mins I came, looking at some very erotic scenes of three gays going after it in MX gear.
So where are we now? I will not push it anymore. This is exactly where I was before I decided to go after this around June 25-26th. So it has been just over a month, and that is all it took for me to realize that I do not need sex in life all the time, everyday. I need to learn my limits and learn that it is okay to not be addicted, and in fact living that way is not freedom at all, it is being enslaved to yourself. As usual, I should have just listened to my body and realize I need to stay at 46%. The problem is my mind wants to take everything to its extreme, where erotica lives. But the reality is 46% is my magic number. Basically what that means is I jerk off 46% of the time (days/sessions). I am now at 55%, if I masturbated everyday of the year, that would be 100%; more than everyday, like two times a day, would be 200%. I am just a 46% kind of guy and I just need to be cool with that. After all, I need to keep telling myself, it is quality, not quantity that counts.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Slowing Down (Second Try)
I told myself, in not too uncertain terms, that I would not be cajoled back into the daily routine of masturbation and porn addiction. I think the old adage, 'be careful what you wish for' is appropriate here. For two days, I told myself, I need to skip a day, not for moral reasons, but for health and my personal need for well balanced behavior. And for two days I failed. You would think this would be an occasion of happiness, I am addicted after all, yay! But it's not like that when you are in it. It hurts when you jack off and you have no spunk to offer in gratitude for the act. It's frustrating to discover that I have spent 3/4th of my day's valuable free time in front of my screen looking at porn and talking with others who care for nothing else but the same.
Despite the wonderful people (and prospects) I have found on line, which have all been great, I regret being in such a funk about it. Today I have determined to not masturbate, which so far as of 2 pm, I'm okay. I have hoped that is will be fine today because I have plenty to do outside of the house. I think that I just need some time away from it all, to get a better perspective at what I want. I need to accept that I am not 16 anymore and cannot, even if I wanted to, masturbate 5 times a day without it affecting me in anyway. I chat with others who do this, and I keep trying to compare myself to them and realize that I cannot keep up, at 36, and I am a bit too tired.
Even though it goes against the purposes of complete freedom, I know for my own sake, I need some guidelines and restrictions, or my involvement will spin more and more out of control. I can see this happening already. I am no longer just masturbating to porn, that is yesterday's news. Now I have graduated to the level of masturbating with others via cam or putting on a show for someone I cannot see, nor could verify his age, although I am fairly confident he was a 32 year old guy from TX. Still, it has been going a little too fast for my comfort and happiness, so I hope that as I carry on on this little experiment of mine, that I will learn that the greatest pleasure comes from those who know how to wait, and resist quantity over quality.
Despite the wonderful people (and prospects) I have found on line, which have all been great, I regret being in such a funk about it. Today I have determined to not masturbate, which so far as of 2 pm, I'm okay. I have hoped that is will be fine today because I have plenty to do outside of the house. I think that I just need some time away from it all, to get a better perspective at what I want. I need to accept that I am not 16 anymore and cannot, even if I wanted to, masturbate 5 times a day without it affecting me in anyway. I chat with others who do this, and I keep trying to compare myself to them and realize that I cannot keep up, at 36, and I am a bit too tired.
Even though it goes against the purposes of complete freedom, I know for my own sake, I need some guidelines and restrictions, or my involvement will spin more and more out of control. I can see this happening already. I am no longer just masturbating to porn, that is yesterday's news. Now I have graduated to the level of masturbating with others via cam or putting on a show for someone I cannot see, nor could verify his age, although I am fairly confident he was a 32 year old guy from TX. Still, it has been going a little too fast for my comfort and happiness, so I hope that as I carry on on this little experiment of mine, that I will learn that the greatest pleasure comes from those who know how to wait, and resist quantity over quality.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Time to Start Slowing Down
I have just jerked off for the 102nd time in 2012. Yeah, I'm actually keeping track, have been since January 1. I know when I shoot a load, I always feel lousy afterwards, this is the case now. I am beginning to think that I am taking this too far, pushing the limit. I have remained true to the plan, I have heeded every desire, I have recorded every stroke, I have been on more masturbation websites, forums and blogs than I could ever want, and yet I see what addiction is. I am addicted at this point, I sit there quietly watching the Red Bud finals, then flip to the Weather Channel (that ought to keep my mind off of sex, right? No!) So I get onto my computer and start wanking to Xtube videos, all the while feeling incredibly empty and unfulfilled. This is the reality of what I am doing, that giving into my bodily beast, the pleasure seeking within does not ultimately satisfy anything, it is a mirage on the horizon. So I am going to try to hold back some, for my own sake and for the sake of my future orgasms. I have to convince my penis that quality beats quantity. Addiction only dulls the intensity of the pleasure, you get so much of it, it looses its appeal. My addiction fetish has to be squashed, it's just not as fun as I thought it would be.
I have some new gear coming in on Wednesday and some new shoes tomorrow. I hope that I can hold off until they get here and even then take it easy on the porn. I am training myself for bad habits, and I know that I will have to work hard to untrain myself when I realize that this way of living is not going to cut it in the long run. I just have to keep relearning the same old lessens again and again until I get it. I have been going hot and cold with the whole masturbation and porn thing for years. Sometimes, like now, doing everything to encourage it, when at other times feeling guilty for doing it, so I do everything to stop it. I get this self-righteous feeling when I say "never again", but that only last until my horny state demands my attention to my cock. I was tired of being on the merry-go-round. Tired of fighting, and yet I can so clearly see that if I go all the way with this, it is also hurting me, so no matter what I do I cannot be at peace about this. I suppose this is why people get married, so they do not have to fight this battle anymore, they just have sex with their wife. The problem is I am gay and that marriage thing is not going to fly for me. I have yet to find anyone I could spend the rest of my life with, so I just give into auto-erotica instead as the easy substitute to healthy intimate sexuality. So where does this lead me? I really don't know. I think the solution will not be simple. I hate that there has to be a solution, I just wish I could just be and not think about any of this anymore and when I have to urge to do it I just do it and shut up about it. I think that can be the only solution that is left to me now, which ironically is exactly where I was a month ago. I know that the thing that has caused all of this, the upswing in activity, was part of the very masturbation fetish experience I was attracted to, but its fake, it is not real, I have to keep saying that. So the solution really needs to be me not pressing the masturbation fetish issue so deeply and to try to stay away from porn.
The more I think about the more I realize that porn is toxic. It takes what is meant to be good, a sexual experience with another human, and just ruins it with the surface sexual desires and nothing else. Today in church I realized that that is what I have been doing, trying to light the dode flame, which is the flame of passion, erotica, lust, without the flames of true love, friendship and commitment. I hate how on Xtube you can't just watch your video in peace, you have to look at a thousand over sexual encounters in the video ad space, it makes me feel so dirty, I don't want to see naked men raping each other, its just not my thing and here I am watching the eye candy... I'm sorry for ranting like this, but I am just frustrated that I can't seem to be finding the thing I want. I will update you soon, as this thing progresses.
I have some new gear coming in on Wednesday and some new shoes tomorrow. I hope that I can hold off until they get here and even then take it easy on the porn. I am training myself for bad habits, and I know that I will have to work hard to untrain myself when I realize that this way of living is not going to cut it in the long run. I just have to keep relearning the same old lessens again and again until I get it. I have been going hot and cold with the whole masturbation and porn thing for years. Sometimes, like now, doing everything to encourage it, when at other times feeling guilty for doing it, so I do everything to stop it. I get this self-righteous feeling when I say "never again", but that only last until my horny state demands my attention to my cock. I was tired of being on the merry-go-round. Tired of fighting, and yet I can so clearly see that if I go all the way with this, it is also hurting me, so no matter what I do I cannot be at peace about this. I suppose this is why people get married, so they do not have to fight this battle anymore, they just have sex with their wife. The problem is I am gay and that marriage thing is not going to fly for me. I have yet to find anyone I could spend the rest of my life with, so I just give into auto-erotica instead as the easy substitute to healthy intimate sexuality. So where does this lead me? I really don't know. I think the solution will not be simple. I hate that there has to be a solution, I just wish I could just be and not think about any of this anymore and when I have to urge to do it I just do it and shut up about it. I think that can be the only solution that is left to me now, which ironically is exactly where I was a month ago. I know that the thing that has caused all of this, the upswing in activity, was part of the very masturbation fetish experience I was attracted to, but its fake, it is not real, I have to keep saying that. So the solution really needs to be me not pressing the masturbation fetish issue so deeply and to try to stay away from porn.
The more I think about the more I realize that porn is toxic. It takes what is meant to be good, a sexual experience with another human, and just ruins it with the surface sexual desires and nothing else. Today in church I realized that that is what I have been doing, trying to light the dode flame, which is the flame of passion, erotica, lust, without the flames of true love, friendship and commitment. I hate how on Xtube you can't just watch your video in peace, you have to look at a thousand over sexual encounters in the video ad space, it makes me feel so dirty, I don't want to see naked men raping each other, its just not my thing and here I am watching the eye candy... I'm sorry for ranting like this, but I am just frustrated that I can't seem to be finding the thing I want. I will update you soon, as this thing progresses.
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