I can't believe it's been nearly a year since I made a post on this blog. I bet all you readers out thought I died or just dropped off the face the earth. Well getting a boyfriend can pre-occupy your mind and time, so I am less reflective, pensive, and less needing this blog as my personal sounding board for my own struggles.
I re-read my last post, so I could at least see what I was thinking about last May 31st, and strangely enough the subject of the post is related to the reason I thought to come back and write again. You see, no matter how much I write, think and resolve to find the answers, I am always plagued with the same old struggles, the issue and importance of these blogs--or just keeping a journal in general--is seeing what progress you have made in these struggles. Do I see myself differently now, or am I essentially the same person dealing with the same things.
Well, I have to say the latter applies mostly to me. Yes, I am now is a deeply committed relationship with the same guy I was alluding to in my last entry. Given it has been nearly a year later, we are very serious and I think he may be the one. We will be going to Hawaii soon, so I think that will be a great opportunity for us to further our growing relationship. You would think that being in a relationship would change everything, and to some extent it has, when he is here, I am not interested as much in pursuing my personal fetishes, but am all wrapped up in him, his presence. The challenge is he is not with me most of the time, as he lives about 5 hours away. I was supposed to see him this weekend, but I cancelled the plans as I thought there would be bad weather, hail and whatnot, so far that has not happened, but he is due to see me in a week, so we are not all upset about it. But, all this is to say, I cannot rely on him to take away my pervious sexual experiences. I am still who I am, I still have the same baggage. And I would like to focus today on my master fetish, "morophilia" or dumbing down.
Morophilia, the word I learned today, means sexual arousal or attraction to unintelligent people, or the exact opposite of a sapiosexual--someone attracted to smart people, far more common. I do not have this in the purest form, it is not just dumb people I like, it is seeing them get dumb, which dovetails nicely into the revelation I made last year on the whole modification/transformation fetish experience. I looked this up on line, and sadly there is virtually no literature out there --that I can find-- on my exact fetish. Most of what is out there is about the plushy scene and how people are aroused by becoming an animal or something along those lines. That is not my think, I would hope (if you read my blog), you would know that by now! I have been obsessing a lot, lately, mostly this last week, about the dumbing down thing. I have established pretty thoroughly that I do not want this for myself, it is me seeing it in others that turns me on, making this an indirect fetish (I forget the correct word for this), where I am an observer and not a participant in the fetish. I don't think being a participant would work for my personal and professional life, so I have learned to see this behavior in others as the key outlet or porn associated with the fetish. There are no images, it is only words, what they write, and I compare them systematically for my own pleasure, to see how far they have regressed in their language abilities. See this descent, the falling back to simpler forms and ideas and raw pleasures is oh so arousing to me!
It has come to the point where I can feel some addiction to it seeping in, to the point where this is getting slightly out of hand and unsustainable. This is why I am here. I write when there are problems, this is the purpose of this blog, I guess things have gone pretty well for me this last year, and honestly I didn't feel it was right for me to be writing about my boyfriend behind his back, when I could just talk to him about whatever it was that was bothering me, but this is something he doesn't understand. He has struggled his whole life with learning and so the idea that someone would be turned on my being dumb, well just perplexes him. I get it, I understand that most fetishes are just alien to the people who do not have them. Sure they listen and empathize, but they don't really get it, or understand how I feel about it. I am further frustrated that there doesn't seem to be a community be people out there who are dealing with this. Yes, there is some on line forum thread where I get my porn, those who are doing the hypnosis files to make them dumb, and there are the folks on the sidelines who are getting off on seeing them act this way, but they are in it, they do not want to understand it, why d they need to, they like it, so they indulge into it. *By the way, if you see spelling errors, it is not because I am dumbing down, it has to do with that I am not proofing this text before I post it, as I cam doing this for me, to get these ideas out of my mind*
So, in short, I feel isolated. I get that it's a transformation, I get that its a return to simplicity and a lack of care of being carful. But none of this explains why I am so effected by it. I know it has to do with my past, being in special ed, not understanding things, but that was me, I am better now, and I have already explained that I do not want to participate in the actual process. I think some of this is a feeling that I have been corrected my whole life by people I have perceived as smarter than myself, people I look up to, but in the end, put me in my place as not as smart. I like seeing these smart people brought down, to below my level, so I can see their mistakes so clearly. But there is pleasure in it, in seeing that they like to get dumb, that they are getting off on it--that's what gets me, its like the missing piece that makes it all go off in my head. This concept that "it feels good to be dumb". There is pleasure in making mistakes, and not caring about being right. It's like sitting in a wet diaper, the world can see, and you don't care, it just feels so nice, and you wet it all the more, getting you hard, it's fun. That is what it's like, the abandonment social and norms for the pursuit of pleasure. But then, when I cum, I feel like all this is so wrong, so wrong that smart people who have so much to offer to the world are giving it all up, committing intellectual suicide, for the sake of pleasure. So I am torn, I get off on this thing I can't control, and there seems to be such a limited way to get more, or to prevent all of it from happening. I thought this morning, if it was not for one person, the hypnotist who made the dumbing down files, I would more than likely not have this fetish, it is really that rare, or if it is out here, I have not found the secret cash on the internet to satisfy my lust. There is another youtube video on Reduce IQ hypnosis, but the dumb people who reply are mostly girls and there is no link or association to masturbation. For one, if it is a girl who is dumbing down, I have zero interest. It has to be a dumb guy, I am building a fantasy in my head, its a smart guy, who wears hightops and loose jerseys, all bright colors and big logos, and he just gets dumb. Strangely just like the characters from my ABDL fantasy stories--they just get dumb and I show it to the delight of all who share in my dark passion. My heart flutters when he drops a grade level here and there until in the end he is sucking his thumb on the floor wearing diapers.
I know I am rambling, I am spinning in circles because I don't have the answers I am looking for, I don't have that "ah ha" moment that really links why I am so into this, and if I knew why, I could better control it, manage it. I the forum thread is slow, this tends to die out, out of lack of new material, but I have made a game of going back and analyzing the past people who have done this, so it has keep me going. The perfect case is a guy, who was so smart, wrote paragraphs about what he was wanting, using intelligent big words, like "normalization", etc., and I read his post now and its 60% incorrect spellings and two or three lines of the pleasures of how far he has fallen, and how much more he wants to be stupid. "i fel gud" stuff like that. Keep in mind, when you make a post on a forum, they have spell check built in, so he sees the red dotted lines beneath and still he posts. I sometimes wonder if it is all an act, a presence, to play the part of a dumb person for the gratification of others, but when you see this behavior bleed over into other posts in other forums, either he is a very good actor, he is really dumb. The files work, I am convinced, I have over a 100 subjects who have done it, who I have seen slip in their writing abilities as they progress through the files, one by one. So it is real, I am turned on by the fact that it is real, and I am turned on by their own ignorance and that they don't care and just "feel reely gud" about it. I think, for me, the management solution is twofold.
1.) Just stay away from the forum
2.) Indulge when I must, but don't dwell on it.
I wish I knew more
AT OUT---------------------
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment