I think I have had an epiphany of sorts. I have come to realize that all my fetishes, in one way or another, are about some form of transformation. Even the gear and sports stuff; by wearing gear, I am transformed into a bro, a player, that I am not. I have followed a certain tumblr account for the last 5 months and today I decided to once again look at it, after I saw a recent post on Warp My Mind on dumbing down. (The guy who wrote the blog was once a participant of the dumbing down hypno series---it is funny how one things invariably leads to another). But in any case, between reading excerpts from this blog and then a chat recently with another fellow I met off of Warp My Mind, and then combined with my attempts to explain my fetishes to my new (potential) boyfriend (see last post), it has mixed together in my brain and clarity has emerged.
I had before classified my fetishes as three main parts, Addition/Blasphemy/Gear/Diapers. But these are in fact variations on the theme for a need to change, a need to be something that I am not, and that need is never fully realized, as I don't truly want to change all the way, but just play with it. Up to this point, I have never really thought of my gear as a change, but that is exactly what it is. I don't go out, wearing LA Gear hightops appropriate for a 14-year-old, why, because I want to became a dumb 14 year old. I like the transformation is brings. Now, while this is still the case, not all of it is strictly spiritual. All fetishes are either spiritual (action or situation) or plastic (physical objects). But that having been said, all plastic fetish relate in some way back to the idea of change. But they, in their own form, still hold levels of power. I know I am getting deep here, so let me try to explain it in a different way. What I mean, is--for example--I don't like plain blue basketball shorts, even if they would be what a basketballer would wear, I would prefer certain types, materials, color combinations, logos, etc. So, maybe in my mind these combination further enhance the ideal I am subconsciously aspiring towards? Like the perfect player, or bro, doing his thing, and getting off on how hot his gear makes him, how horny and turned on he feels when he is someone he is not, a hockey player, a diaper boy, an addicted masturbator, a dumb downed jock in hightops, an exChristian free to jerk off, a _________, anything but me (or perceived social inhibitions), because me is boring and un-sexual, I have to change to get off, or see the changes in others. The more I think on this, the more it makes sense. Even the other day I cam when I saw a guy who had went about to become a bed wetter succeeded at this odd task and was extremely satisfied with the results, confirming my fantasy desires.
This also explain, finally, why I am so diverse with my fetishes. I like so many diverse things, that on the surface, seem totally unrelated, but upon closer inspection are related, just into different ways. Now I don't want to be everything, so for some reason certain bro roles have a greater pull on me than others. Like, for instance, I do not fantasize about being a biker leather man, someone who I am not, but the people into that appear older, less sexual. I like twinks, and twink things to transform into: motocross, hockey, football, skater boy--all that bulky gear gets me off, its makes me more changed than how I am.
Thinking of all of this in this way has helped me figure it out, as the title of this blog suggests is its purpose. I love modifications. Now that I am about to embark in what appears to be the first serious same-sex relationship of my life, I think knowing these things are important. I think I need to know that I can be myself and still be happy, that I don't always need to change. I don't expect to toss out my fetishes overnight due to this revelation, but by understanding them, in a way I can control them. At least in a more constructive way. My issues of late have been a pre-occupation, at the cost of everything else, on masturbation and porn, and fetish. I am looking for ways to slow down, mainly because my future boy friend's sex drive is slower than my own, I am at hyper light speed and he is happily chugging along at 50 mph. Why am I at light speed, you ask? Well its all this need for transformation! The need to transform into an addicted bator, and with that transformation, there is a a reduction into a lesser being, a being with less control, who in turn yields to unimaginable waves of penial pleasure, the addiction just feels good, so we do it, but at the cost of a true transformation that is not desirable, nor sustainable, not if other life goals are to be pursued. If that doesn't work, switch to dumbing down, to bed wetting, to something else that is perceived as pleasurable reduction of control, as a modification and regression of achieved life goals and with that an escape from daily responsibilities.
So what does all this mean? I have no fucking clue, but at least I think I have all the puzzle pieces now. Modification is key to figuring this all out.
-------AT out
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