I need to take a step back now and speak of some worrisome news that seems to have happened regarding my cat, Bo. Yesterday I found him lying in the garden flower beds, in the rain. I spotted him there some 24 hours earlier, he had not moved in all that time. I immediately brought him inside and tried to get him to eat and what made me even more concerned, he seemed uninterested. So I called the vet and took him there yesterday afternoon when I was suppose to have been working on cleaning out my shed. The vet said it looked liked he had contracted Cytauxzoon felis, or feline bobcat tick disease. What he said was almost all cases are fatal. I am hoping that he may be wrong and that Bo has something else, but if he indeed has it, it is a 99% mortality rate. I have prayed that God might do a miracle and spare him, he is only three years old.
Bo has been a big part of my life. He has been sort of a constant companion. Always looked for some attention or some love from me. You don't really know how much an animal may mean to you until after he is gone, it's hard to loose a pet. I know I might not loose him, but if he has contracted Bobcat's disease there is little hope I will see him alive again. I pray that this is not the case. I had Bo since he was a little kitten, if he dies all of his litter would have perished. He had a sister, Ashley, who disappeared without a trace years ago and still I have no clue whatever happened to her. All the other pretty much were killed by dogs or accidents (they were not mine). I keep my cats as outdoor cats and I can see the risk I have in doing that. Cobbatha, my childhood cat, died most likely from being hit by a car.
I think if Bo does die, I will be very vigilant in how I treat my animals in the future and get Front Line right away, despite the costs. I had no idea tick bites could be so fatal, now I know...I will keep this blog posted on this. I rather not get into the other issues I am dealing with right now. That will come in time.
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Sunday, June 29, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Why simple things have to be so hard?
Ok, I know I don't normally do this. I don't write a huge journal entry, just to turn around and write yet another one an hour later. But I am frustrated to no end here. All I wanted to do is block one website, xtube, and I cannot do it. It seems I need to get on to the XP DOS Command Window, but I have searched my system and I cannot find it. Firefox does not allow the ability to block one site and I am not wanting to get a third party software solution that I must pay a subscription for to do this. Not only would I need to pay money for it, I would be losing many sites that I do not find objectionable, but they may. Gearfetish.com or Aby.com to name a few, those are not hard core porn sites, but they certainly have adult content on them. I need to wait until my techy friend is on line so I can ask him how to get into the DOS Command window. I have the code I need to insert, I just need into the system! I'll post when it's done and over with, for now I still have access to free porn, :(
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On the road to recovery
I know I have been starting every entry the same way, but I cannot get over how convenient and fun it is to blog. Not only am I able to get away from finding a journal, the right pen, etc. I can type, which for me is faster and much easier to read. There is a nice quality to an old fashioned hand written journal, but in the digital age I am eager to use this medium to express my thoughts.
In addition, I am also excited and nervous at the same time to know that these words will no longer be my own as they have been in the last ten plus years of my hand written journals. Already I have given a link to this blog to one of my new on-line friends and that has spurred some interesting conversations. My life, and all my thoughts about it, are now able to be read and understood by others. In a way this gives me a great hope and excitement that others can know exactly how I feel, but on the other side of the coin I know that I am opening up my life for criticism and exposure of my inner most thoughts and desires. Despite this transparency, I am determined to carry on with this and write down how I am feeling. I have no intension of letting people know about this blog, so in that sense it is private and those that have access must appreciate that this is my private journal and is not censored for public acceptance.
My journal has been and will continue to be the medium in which I work things out. Hence the name of this blog. For me it is a true testing ground of thoughts and personal evolution. I can think of no better time than to give this a fresh start than right now. I am going on a journey to reconcile some wrongs I have allowed myself to get myself into. I identified six problems with my life in my final hand written journal entry on June 20, 2008. Today I am addressing two of my six problems. #4 Viewing pornography and #5 Compulsive addictions. I have hope that I can and will change to solve these and other issues I have through the power of God in my life.
Warning. If you are reading this and are offended by sexual content, please stop reading this blog now:
So last night after watching some of Brokeback Mountain, it was on Bravo, I went to bed and I was kind of horny. I looked at my football pants and I decided I had to get them on. They are Vegas gold football pants with some nice pads on them. They really looked quite sexy to me and I really felt like a jock who has lost all control of himself and has no choice but to start masturbating in them. The sad part of all of this is that after masturbating a little bit in them, I kept getting thoughts that I wanted to see this on line, that I "needed" to get onto xtube to see guys in football gear messing around in a locker room. I did it, got on my Bledsoe Football jersey and some Nike cleats and fired up the computer. I ended up looking at some videos of guys getting some blow jobs and then a guy masturbating in soccer shorts. I ejaculated on my nylon Reeboks.
Today is the aftermath. Now I am dealing with all of this and I am coming to grips that I am addicted to pornography. I see that I need to get onto xtube for that edge that little bit of eye candy and stimulus needed to push me over into orgasm. As I was doing it last night I knew I was addicted, I knew I was doing what I have said I should not do. Now I am debating taking a drastic measure. I have read on line on pureline.com that there are solutions out there for this issue that Christian guys like me are dealing with. There is actually a work shop that they offer for 30 days to purity, but sadly is costs $180 dollars to do it! I was shocked that it would be so high. I am wondering if I can try to take matters into my own hands.
I know now that I have the power of mind to say without a doubt that pornography, especially gay pornography, is wrong to watch. I reaffirmed my views on homosexuality by re-reading some things, and although there are some gray areas there in the translations, I am certain that what I am watching is lust, fornication, and sexual immorality. I cannot see it being more clear than that. So I am thinking rather than spend the $180 dollars, I just block access to the source, xtube has to go. I have already deleted my account on there once and in a moment of weakness I went ahead and made a new one. To my knowledge no one has added me as a friend on the new account, but I did have some friends on the old one. Simply deleting accounts does nothing because this site is made so anyone can access free porn with a click of the mouse. So I am considering going to the MS host file on my machine and blocking it there. I read on line how to do it using DOS. This will stop access through MS Explore and Firefox.
I know this is a drastic action, but I need to force myself off of that site, there is nothing wholesome or good that can be found on there, so why let is be there for temptation? I know I lack the will power late at night to stop, in order to get off of drugs you have to not have access to them, simply saying you won't is not good enough. I will also pray about this and I eagerly look forward to reading my books when they come about overcoming homosexuality and sexual addictions. This is a bold move, but I think it's time I stand up for myself and take some action against Satan and his schemes to entrap me. I know I will regret this, my body wants those chemicals released in my brain that indicate euphoria, but I am in the trenches here and I need to get out, this is not healthy. In time my body and sexuality will be turned on again by just looking at my gear and playing in that, I hope that will be the case soon.
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In addition, I am also excited and nervous at the same time to know that these words will no longer be my own as they have been in the last ten plus years of my hand written journals. Already I have given a link to this blog to one of my new on-line friends and that has spurred some interesting conversations. My life, and all my thoughts about it, are now able to be read and understood by others. In a way this gives me a great hope and excitement that others can know exactly how I feel, but on the other side of the coin I know that I am opening up my life for criticism and exposure of my inner most thoughts and desires. Despite this transparency, I am determined to carry on with this and write down how I am feeling. I have no intension of letting people know about this blog, so in that sense it is private and those that have access must appreciate that this is my private journal and is not censored for public acceptance.
My journal has been and will continue to be the medium in which I work things out. Hence the name of this blog. For me it is a true testing ground of thoughts and personal evolution. I can think of no better time than to give this a fresh start than right now. I am going on a journey to reconcile some wrongs I have allowed myself to get myself into. I identified six problems with my life in my final hand written journal entry on June 20, 2008. Today I am addressing two of my six problems. #4 Viewing pornography and #5 Compulsive addictions. I have hope that I can and will change to solve these and other issues I have through the power of God in my life.
Warning. If you are reading this and are offended by sexual content, please stop reading this blog now:
So last night after watching some of Brokeback Mountain, it was on Bravo, I went to bed and I was kind of horny. I looked at my football pants and I decided I had to get them on. They are Vegas gold football pants with some nice pads on them. They really looked quite sexy to me and I really felt like a jock who has lost all control of himself and has no choice but to start masturbating in them. The sad part of all of this is that after masturbating a little bit in them, I kept getting thoughts that I wanted to see this on line, that I "needed" to get onto xtube to see guys in football gear messing around in a locker room. I did it, got on my Bledsoe Football jersey and some Nike cleats and fired up the computer. I ended up looking at some videos of guys getting some blow jobs and then a guy masturbating in soccer shorts. I ejaculated on my nylon Reeboks.
Today is the aftermath. Now I am dealing with all of this and I am coming to grips that I am addicted to pornography. I see that I need to get onto xtube for that edge that little bit of eye candy and stimulus needed to push me over into orgasm. As I was doing it last night I knew I was addicted, I knew I was doing what I have said I should not do. Now I am debating taking a drastic measure. I have read on line on pureline.com that there are solutions out there for this issue that Christian guys like me are dealing with. There is actually a work shop that they offer for 30 days to purity, but sadly is costs $180 dollars to do it! I was shocked that it would be so high. I am wondering if I can try to take matters into my own hands.
I know now that I have the power of mind to say without a doubt that pornography, especially gay pornography, is wrong to watch. I reaffirmed my views on homosexuality by re-reading some things, and although there are some gray areas there in the translations, I am certain that what I am watching is lust, fornication, and sexual immorality. I cannot see it being more clear than that. So I am thinking rather than spend the $180 dollars, I just block access to the source, xtube has to go. I have already deleted my account on there once and in a moment of weakness I went ahead and made a new one. To my knowledge no one has added me as a friend on the new account, but I did have some friends on the old one. Simply deleting accounts does nothing because this site is made so anyone can access free porn with a click of the mouse. So I am considering going to the MS host file on my machine and blocking it there. I read on line how to do it using DOS. This will stop access through MS Explore and Firefox.
I know this is a drastic action, but I need to force myself off of that site, there is nothing wholesome or good that can be found on there, so why let is be there for temptation? I know I lack the will power late at night to stop, in order to get off of drugs you have to not have access to them, simply saying you won't is not good enough. I will also pray about this and I eagerly look forward to reading my books when they come about overcoming homosexuality and sexual addictions. This is a bold move, but I think it's time I stand up for myself and take some action against Satan and his schemes to entrap me. I know I will regret this, my body wants those chemicals released in my brain that indicate euphoria, but I am in the trenches here and I need to get out, this is not healthy. In time my body and sexuality will be turned on again by just looking at my gear and playing in that, I hope that will be the case soon.
--------------------Out------------------------
Friday, June 27, 2008
Settling In
So now another day has past and I am still excited about this blog. It's strange that I should be, but it is such a different medium than the old cursive hand I used in my paper journals. I feel so much more willing to jump right in an report on how I feel. It will take a lot of courage for me to share this to people I know. So far I have only told one person about this blog and to him I haven't even told him what to look under, he hasn't asked yet. I think I want to keep things that way for now. You see with a journal I like the complete freedom of expression to share my true thoughts. It would be too embarrassing to allow my friends and family to read this.
So for now the only person who will read these words is me. I am pretty sure no one else is reading this, there have been no comments made so far from any casual readers, then again it's only been a day since I set this up. Maybe in a week or a month I will have some feedback. It would be interesting and also rather scary what random people would think. But in a way sort of fun. My life being so transparent to perfect strangers.
So what am I up to now? Well I have the afternoon off from work which, I must say, is quite a relief for me. I had a late lunch and then watched the rest of of BBC mystery on Masterpiece Theater. Then I wasted about a half hour of sacred time vegging on the couch and flipping channels. TV has this way of sucking energy and life from you I find. So then I was determined to do something productive. So I tended to some of my plants and now I am sitting down to work. I have so much to do at home all the time, but I so seldom accomplish much. I have a strong work ethic and I find my lack of work at home one of the six problems I have. I am realizing with only some discipline can I actually implement my work targets and plans.
I hope to work on some financial stuff after I get off of here and then maybe some long term projects. My primary goal this weekend is to maybe go on a bike ride and to clean out my shed, which is badly needed. I also was able to buy two books from Amazon finally!! I think these books will really help me with working out my sexual/ relationship issues. One is on overcoming homosexuality and the other is on overcoming sexual addictions. Sadly, I think I have much to learn and gain from both of these books. That's it for now.
-------------Out----------------
So for now the only person who will read these words is me. I am pretty sure no one else is reading this, there have been no comments made so far from any casual readers, then again it's only been a day since I set this up. Maybe in a week or a month I will have some feedback. It would be interesting and also rather scary what random people would think. But in a way sort of fun. My life being so transparent to perfect strangers.
So what am I up to now? Well I have the afternoon off from work which, I must say, is quite a relief for me. I had a late lunch and then watched the rest of of BBC mystery on Masterpiece Theater. Then I wasted about a half hour of sacred time vegging on the couch and flipping channels. TV has this way of sucking energy and life from you I find. So then I was determined to do something productive. So I tended to some of my plants and now I am sitting down to work. I have so much to do at home all the time, but I so seldom accomplish much. I have a strong work ethic and I find my lack of work at home one of the six problems I have. I am realizing with only some discipline can I actually implement my work targets and plans.
I hope to work on some financial stuff after I get off of here and then maybe some long term projects. My primary goal this weekend is to maybe go on a bike ride and to clean out my shed, which is badly needed. I also was able to buy two books from Amazon finally!! I think these books will really help me with working out my sexual/ relationship issues. One is on overcoming homosexuality and the other is on overcoming sexual addictions. Sadly, I think I have much to learn and gain from both of these books. That's it for now.
-------------Out----------------
Thursday, June 26, 2008
My First Blog
This is my first serious blog. I am excited about this. I have been journaling in notebooks for many years and now I get to do this digitally. This will be my private on-line journal. Since it is private the name I use is false. I am not wanting anyone, unless I say it is okay, to read this. Obviously people who do not know me and who just like to read random blogs of people in distress are welcome to peruse my thoughts.
This journal will be raw, it will be my bear bone feelings about my life and what I need to do about it. I am excited because this is a fresh new start for me and an opportunity for me to really work through some of the issues that I am dealing with right now. I am not sure where to begin, so I will just address the things that are on my mind and go from there. I find so often that if I just put my thoughts, feelings, aspirations, and disappointments on paper, or in this case in blog form, I can begin to process what I need to.
So what am I dealing with? Well I am a suffering fetishist. I live two lives, a public life where I deal with a stressful job and try to keep my sanity while doing it, and then I go home to my fetishes and TV. I have tried to learn what to do, how to process this and grow. I am stuck, stuck in my life that is going no where. My career is stable and promising, but apart from my accomplishments, I have had no lasting relationships. I have gone onto eHarmony.com and met girls, but the relationships have gone no where. I lack the zeal, the desire to be with them, to take the plunge and date a girl. I lack this because sexually I lean towards my fetishes and sadly towards other guys enjoying them. I think I am bi, and what is even more depressing is I am 32 and I am just now figuring this out. I have been unwilling to face the truth for years. And now I must make some tough choices as to where to go from here, what I need to do.
I am a committed follower of Christ, although I fail daily to meet that standard of prayer that I aspire to do. I attend a conservative evangelical church in my community and my beliefs align with what the Bible says. I do believe it. I do believe in God and I trust in faith that God has a plan for me and that I must adhere to His will in my life. I am his servant and I have been so covered in the worldliness around me that I often lose sight of my purpose. The hardest part of who I am is that my belief system will not allow me the luxury of tossing all caution to the wind and act solely on my sexual desires. That is moral depravity, that is sin. Sexual sin is real and I do believe we cannot just do whatever we want.
I think it's clear that the Bible speaks against homosexuality. In church last Sunday it was clear to me that God abhors it from Sodom and Gomorrah to the references to it in 1 Peter. And what have I been doing? Feeding my lust for it. Yes. I go onto xtube and look at videos of guys getting blow jobs and guys in gear masturbating because that is what turns me on. I know that I have a sexual addiction and most of my so called on line friends, if that can even be the right word to call them, are addicted as well. I don't have anyone really that I can turn too. I don't know anyone here well enough to feel comfortable spilling all of this to them and if I talked to my on line friends they don't seem to understand why I can't just be like them. I am in conflict.
I have looked for love in all the wrong places too. Not to keep adding to the litany of my problems, but this is what is on my heart. I call him the "mirage." Jeremy is a guy I met on line that I really liked. He is pretty much straight and that made me feel better, but he is only 19. Anyways one day he is there to chat with me, then the next he is not. I finally got back in touch with him and he said he was in a motorcycle accident. I naturally felt really bad about that, who wouldn't. But I also was so encouraged that there was a reason why he was not there, why he never called me after I asked him to. He offered to call so this was mutual. Well that was last Saturday now, I think, and today is Thursday. He has not been back. Much of what he told me seems somewhat incredible and I wonder if he only does this to make me react, to mess with my heart. Maybe he got sick, is too busy, or just doesn't care, but in any case I think about him a lot because I put such I hope in him. You see he and I share common fetishes, we are into diapers. And he and I were suppose to hang out. He only lives an hour away and I liked him, got along with him and he seemed to have a head on his shoulders--he is very intelligent and has plenty of resources so he would not be stealing from me. (This happened before with another false friend.)
He seemed, for the lack of a better term, "normal" so this is even yet another blow to me. I don't think he is coming back and even if he does I can see the pattern here, he is a mirage, and I doubt he will ever commit to getting to know me. He so reminds me of Chuck, another guy I got to know and really like, but the relationship had a falling out and now he is out of my life for good. I seem to be reliving that all over again, it sucks, its not fair and I keep falling into the same traps. When will I learn?
So what does all of this mean? I have been looking for love, acceptance and friendship in all of the wrong places. I have been looking for it in internet friends. The ephemeral flash in the pan relationships that never last or evolve into awkward reticence. I think I need to learn how to develop healthy relationships and attraction with girls. That is why I need to pick up some books about overcoming homosexuality. I also am hoping to buy a book on overcoming sexual addictions, masturbation, and pornography, which all affect me to some degree. I know I need to make some hard choices. I need to figure out where I am going and what I need to be going with my life. I need god's plan and feel peace in my life that I am doing what is meet and right and so to do. I will try once again to use Amazon to buy these books, I could not get it to work last night and it was beyond frustrating. Ok, I have rambled too much now. More to come soon.
------------Out-----------------
This journal will be raw, it will be my bear bone feelings about my life and what I need to do about it. I am excited because this is a fresh new start for me and an opportunity for me to really work through some of the issues that I am dealing with right now. I am not sure where to begin, so I will just address the things that are on my mind and go from there. I find so often that if I just put my thoughts, feelings, aspirations, and disappointments on paper, or in this case in blog form, I can begin to process what I need to.
So what am I dealing with? Well I am a suffering fetishist. I live two lives, a public life where I deal with a stressful job and try to keep my sanity while doing it, and then I go home to my fetishes and TV. I have tried to learn what to do, how to process this and grow. I am stuck, stuck in my life that is going no where. My career is stable and promising, but apart from my accomplishments, I have had no lasting relationships. I have gone onto eHarmony.com and met girls, but the relationships have gone no where. I lack the zeal, the desire to be with them, to take the plunge and date a girl. I lack this because sexually I lean towards my fetishes and sadly towards other guys enjoying them. I think I am bi, and what is even more depressing is I am 32 and I am just now figuring this out. I have been unwilling to face the truth for years. And now I must make some tough choices as to where to go from here, what I need to do.
I am a committed follower of Christ, although I fail daily to meet that standard of prayer that I aspire to do. I attend a conservative evangelical church in my community and my beliefs align with what the Bible says. I do believe it. I do believe in God and I trust in faith that God has a plan for me and that I must adhere to His will in my life. I am his servant and I have been so covered in the worldliness around me that I often lose sight of my purpose. The hardest part of who I am is that my belief system will not allow me the luxury of tossing all caution to the wind and act solely on my sexual desires. That is moral depravity, that is sin. Sexual sin is real and I do believe we cannot just do whatever we want.
I think it's clear that the Bible speaks against homosexuality. In church last Sunday it was clear to me that God abhors it from Sodom and Gomorrah to the references to it in 1 Peter. And what have I been doing? Feeding my lust for it. Yes. I go onto xtube and look at videos of guys getting blow jobs and guys in gear masturbating because that is what turns me on. I know that I have a sexual addiction and most of my so called on line friends, if that can even be the right word to call them, are addicted as well. I don't have anyone really that I can turn too. I don't know anyone here well enough to feel comfortable spilling all of this to them and if I talked to my on line friends they don't seem to understand why I can't just be like them. I am in conflict.
I have looked for love in all the wrong places too. Not to keep adding to the litany of my problems, but this is what is on my heart. I call him the "mirage." Jeremy is a guy I met on line that I really liked. He is pretty much straight and that made me feel better, but he is only 19. Anyways one day he is there to chat with me, then the next he is not. I finally got back in touch with him and he said he was in a motorcycle accident. I naturally felt really bad about that, who wouldn't. But I also was so encouraged that there was a reason why he was not there, why he never called me after I asked him to. He offered to call so this was mutual. Well that was last Saturday now, I think, and today is Thursday. He has not been back. Much of what he told me seems somewhat incredible and I wonder if he only does this to make me react, to mess with my heart. Maybe he got sick, is too busy, or just doesn't care, but in any case I think about him a lot because I put such I hope in him. You see he and I share common fetishes, we are into diapers. And he and I were suppose to hang out. He only lives an hour away and I liked him, got along with him and he seemed to have a head on his shoulders--he is very intelligent and has plenty of resources so he would not be stealing from me. (This happened before with another false friend.)
He seemed, for the lack of a better term, "normal" so this is even yet another blow to me. I don't think he is coming back and even if he does I can see the pattern here, he is a mirage, and I doubt he will ever commit to getting to know me. He so reminds me of Chuck, another guy I got to know and really like, but the relationship had a falling out and now he is out of my life for good. I seem to be reliving that all over again, it sucks, its not fair and I keep falling into the same traps. When will I learn?
So what does all of this mean? I have been looking for love, acceptance and friendship in all of the wrong places. I have been looking for it in internet friends. The ephemeral flash in the pan relationships that never last or evolve into awkward reticence. I think I need to learn how to develop healthy relationships and attraction with girls. That is why I need to pick up some books about overcoming homosexuality. I also am hoping to buy a book on overcoming sexual addictions, masturbation, and pornography, which all affect me to some degree. I know I need to make some hard choices. I need to figure out where I am going and what I need to be going with my life. I need god's plan and feel peace in my life that I am doing what is meet and right and so to do. I will try once again to use Amazon to buy these books, I could not get it to work last night and it was beyond frustrating. Ok, I have rambled too much now. More to come soon.
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