This is my first serious blog. I am excited about this. I have been journaling in notebooks for many years and now I get to do this digitally. This will be my private on-line journal. Since it is private the name I use is false. I am not wanting anyone, unless I say it is okay, to read this. Obviously people who do not know me and who just like to read random blogs of people in distress are welcome to peruse my thoughts.
This journal will be raw, it will be my bear bone feelings about my life and what I need to do about it. I am excited because this is a fresh new start for me and an opportunity for me to really work through some of the issues that I am dealing with right now. I am not sure where to begin, so I will just address the things that are on my mind and go from there. I find so often that if I just put my thoughts, feelings, aspirations, and disappointments on paper, or in this case in blog form, I can begin to process what I need to.
So what am I dealing with? Well I am a suffering fetishist. I live two lives, a public life where I deal with a stressful job and try to keep my sanity while doing it, and then I go home to my fetishes and TV. I have tried to learn what to do, how to process this and grow. I am stuck, stuck in my life that is going no where. My career is stable and promising, but apart from my accomplishments, I have had no lasting relationships. I have gone onto eHarmony.com and met girls, but the relationships have gone no where. I lack the zeal, the desire to be with them, to take the plunge and date a girl. I lack this because sexually I lean towards my fetishes and sadly towards other guys enjoying them. I think I am bi, and what is even more depressing is I am 32 and I am just now figuring this out. I have been unwilling to face the truth for years. And now I must make some tough choices as to where to go from here, what I need to do.
I am a committed follower of Christ, although I fail daily to meet that standard of prayer that I aspire to do. I attend a conservative evangelical church in my community and my beliefs align with what the Bible says. I do believe it. I do believe in God and I trust in faith that God has a plan for me and that I must adhere to His will in my life. I am his servant and I have been so covered in the worldliness around me that I often lose sight of my purpose. The hardest part of who I am is that my belief system will not allow me the luxury of tossing all caution to the wind and act solely on my sexual desires. That is moral depravity, that is sin. Sexual sin is real and I do believe we cannot just do whatever we want.
I think it's clear that the Bible speaks against homosexuality. In church last Sunday it was clear to me that God abhors it from Sodom and Gomorrah to the references to it in 1 Peter. And what have I been doing? Feeding my lust for it. Yes. I go onto xtube and look at videos of guys getting blow jobs and guys in gear masturbating because that is what turns me on. I know that I have a sexual addiction and most of my so called on line friends, if that can even be the right word to call them, are addicted as well. I don't have anyone really that I can turn too. I don't know anyone here well enough to feel comfortable spilling all of this to them and if I talked to my on line friends they don't seem to understand why I can't just be like them. I am in conflict.
I have looked for love in all the wrong places too. Not to keep adding to the litany of my problems, but this is what is on my heart. I call him the "mirage." Jeremy is a guy I met on line that I really liked. He is pretty much straight and that made me feel better, but he is only 19. Anyways one day he is there to chat with me, then the next he is not. I finally got back in touch with him and he said he was in a motorcycle accident. I naturally felt really bad about that, who wouldn't. But I also was so encouraged that there was a reason why he was not there, why he never called me after I asked him to. He offered to call so this was mutual. Well that was last Saturday now, I think, and today is Thursday. He has not been back. Much of what he told me seems somewhat incredible and I wonder if he only does this to make me react, to mess with my heart. Maybe he got sick, is too busy, or just doesn't care, but in any case I think about him a lot because I put such I hope in him. You see he and I share common fetishes, we are into diapers. And he and I were suppose to hang out. He only lives an hour away and I liked him, got along with him and he seemed to have a head on his shoulders--he is very intelligent and has plenty of resources so he would not be stealing from me. (This happened before with another false friend.)
He seemed, for the lack of a better term, "normal" so this is even yet another blow to me. I don't think he is coming back and even if he does I can see the pattern here, he is a mirage, and I doubt he will ever commit to getting to know me. He so reminds me of Chuck, another guy I got to know and really like, but the relationship had a falling out and now he is out of my life for good. I seem to be reliving that all over again, it sucks, its not fair and I keep falling into the same traps. When will I learn?
So what does all of this mean? I have been looking for love, acceptance and friendship in all of the wrong places. I have been looking for it in internet friends. The ephemeral flash in the pan relationships that never last or evolve into awkward reticence. I think I need to learn how to develop healthy relationships and attraction with girls. That is why I need to pick up some books about overcoming homosexuality. I also am hoping to buy a book on overcoming sexual addictions, masturbation, and pornography, which all affect me to some degree. I know I need to make some hard choices. I need to figure out where I am going and what I need to be going with my life. I need god's plan and feel peace in my life that I am doing what is meet and right and so to do. I will try once again to use Amazon to buy these books, I could not get it to work last night and it was beyond frustrating. Ok, I have rambled too much now. More to come soon.
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