On the road to recovery

I know I have been starting every entry the same way, but I cannot get over how convenient and fun it is to blog. Not only am I able to get away from finding a journal, the right pen, etc. I can type, which for me is faster and much easier to read. There is a nice quality to an old fashioned hand written journal, but in the digital age I am eager to use this medium to express my thoughts.

In addition, I am also excited and nervous at the same time to know that these words will no longer be my own as they have been in the last ten plus years of my hand written journals. Already I have given a link to this blog to one of my new on-line friends and that has spurred some interesting conversations. My life, and all my thoughts about it, are now able to be read and understood by others. In a way this gives me a great hope and excitement that others can know exactly how I feel, but on the other side of the coin I know that I am opening up my life for criticism and exposure of my inner most thoughts and desires. Despite this transparency, I am determined to carry on with this and write down how I am feeling. I have no intension of letting people know about this blog, so in that sense it is private and those that have access must appreciate that this is my private journal and is not censored for public acceptance.

My journal has been and will continue to be the medium in which I work things out. Hence the name of this blog. For me it is a true testing ground of thoughts and personal evolution. I can think of no better time than to give this a fresh start than right now. I am going on a journey to reconcile some wrongs I have allowed myself to get myself into. I identified six problems with my life in my final hand written journal entry on June 20, 2008. Today I am addressing two of my six problems. #4 Viewing pornography and #5 Compulsive addictions. I have hope that I can and will change to solve these and other issues I have through the power of God in my life.

Warning. If you are reading this and are offended by sexual content, please stop reading this blog now:
So last night after watching some of Brokeback Mountain, it was on Bravo, I went to bed and I was kind of horny. I looked at my football pants and I decided I had to get them on. They are Vegas gold football pants with some nice pads on them. They really looked quite sexy to me and I really felt like a jock who has lost all control of himself and has no choice but to start masturbating in them. The sad part of all of this is that after masturbating a little bit in them, I kept getting thoughts that I wanted to see this on line, that I "needed" to get onto xtube to see guys in football gear messing around in a locker room. I did it, got on my Bledsoe Football jersey and some Nike cleats and fired up the computer. I ended up looking at some videos of guys getting some blow jobs and then a guy masturbating in soccer shorts. I ejaculated on my nylon Reeboks.

Today is the aftermath. Now I am dealing with all of this and I am coming to grips that I am addicted to pornography. I see that I need to get onto xtube for that edge that little bit of eye candy and stimulus needed to push me over into orgasm. As I was doing it last night I knew I was addicted, I knew I was doing what I have said I should not do. Now I am debating taking a drastic measure. I have read on line on pureline.com that there are solutions out there for this issue that Christian guys like me are dealing with. There is actually a work shop that they offer for 30 days to purity, but sadly is costs $180 dollars to do it! I was shocked that it would be so high. I am wondering if I can try to take matters into my own hands.

I know now that I have the power of mind to say without a doubt that pornography, especially gay pornography, is wrong to watch. I reaffirmed my views on homosexuality by re-reading some things, and although there are some gray areas there in the translations, I am certain that what I am watching is lust, fornication, and sexual immorality. I cannot see it being more clear than that. So I am thinking rather than spend the $180 dollars, I just block access to the source, xtube has to go. I have already deleted my account on there once and in a moment of weakness I went ahead and made a new one. To my knowledge no one has added me as a friend on the new account, but I did have some friends on the old one. Simply deleting accounts does nothing because this site is made so anyone can access free porn with a click of the mouse. So I am considering going to the MS host file on my machine and blocking it there. I read on line how to do it using DOS. This will stop access through MS Explore and Firefox.

I know this is a drastic action, but I need to force myself off of that site, there is nothing wholesome or good that can be found on there, so why let is be there for temptation? I know I lack the will power late at night to stop, in order to get off of drugs you have to not have access to them, simply saying you won't is not good enough. I will also pray about this and I eagerly look forward to reading my books when they come about overcoming homosexuality and sexual addictions. This is a bold move, but I think it's time I stand up for myself and take some action against Satan and his schemes to entrap me. I know I will regret this, my body wants those chemicals released in my brain that indicate euphoria, but I am in the trenches here and I need to get out, this is not healthy. In time my body and sexuality will be turned on again by just looking at my gear and playing in that, I hope that will be the case soon.
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