Blasphemy Fetish vs. Satanism

Now that some time has elapsed, I feel I have a bit more clarity on where I am and where I am going with my recent struggles and desires.  It came to me today, as I was driving home to eat lunch, that I actually do NOT have a blasphemy fetish.  I know, this is coming as sort of a surprise to me, as this is what I was calling it for a long while.  I have come to this conclusion based off of stuff on the web, that has had different effects on me.  I will break this all down.

I am finding that a true blasphemy fetishist is more than likely heterosexual, which I am clearly not, and more so they get off on scenes like having sex in a church, using religious objects, such as a cross, in acts of masturbation, and other similar things.  This, in all truth, does not really make me hard and sort of disgusts me, particularly pictures of Jesus getting fellatio on the cross.  I don't want to go against my faith as a Christian (yes, I am still one).  But, and this is a very big but, that is not the end of the story, I am attracted to Satanic Masturbation, which I really don't think is the same thing as Blasphemy, per se.  A true blasphemy fetishist does not invoke the name of Satan, they just like to sully the name of Christ and his followers, without any alternative belief system or instructions.

Whereas a subset of the devil movement, seems to be fixated on masturbation as a form of worship. You may ask, how is this any different than just plain jane cock worship, well I think for me, I have ascribed a certain amount of power to the devil that I simply do not have for Pan or generic cock worship.  I know my cock pretty well, and I am pretty sure its not a god, no offense to the cock worshippers out there.  Even if I wanted it to be a god, it just doesn't really fit into my belief system of God and the Satan, the epic battle between good and evil. I am reducing cock worship into an diluted form of satanism, even if they don't actually invoke "hail Satan".  This would be the same for any kind of idol worship that is not of God, its the principal that many people follow Satan but don't realize it, its called bing of the world and worshiping its pleasures.      

So, all of this is to say that the power I feel when I masturbate to Satan, is that my belief system holds that at ground zero for how deep this goes, there is no greater (more evil) force out there than the Devil.  The second part of this as to why I am attracted to it is the idea that you, "Do as thou Wilt" and with that a strong emphasis, again only in some circles, on lust and masturbation.  I am finding that there are many kinds of satanists, and it seems they are perpetually splitting off of other groups, for one's own self interest, regardless if they are actually sanction as part of the institutional Church of Satan. I have already fond contradictions within their own creed, with some saying to masturbate only for one kind of rite, while others say to do it daily.  Anyone can start a blog (like me) and say anything they like, regardless of what others think....

In conclusion, I think there is yet another fetish out there, a "satanic masturbation fetish"  I am sure it does not exit, so I am making it up now.  Its for people who don't actually care a lick about changing religions, but are merely turned on by the freedom it purports and the focus on self pleasure, in particular (which, as I said is not the mainline belief).  I am turned on by transformation, not static postures.  I want to see the Christian convert while masturbating, in an effort to break the chains that have been put on him (in his head) that he could not masturbate in the first place.  Why?  Its because that is my situation.  I cannot shake the idea that my faith prevents pleasure and this one allows it and encourages it.  That is the power it holds over me.

I want to break that power, because when I do this, it is very hot at the time, but makes me feel awful afterwards, more than the usual way.  I am right to confront this face on, to call it out for what it is, to not dance around the issue anymore.  I am a wannabe satanist, but my faith in Jesus Christ will not allow me to do this for real, so then its only a matter of role playing inside the fetish, a very uncomfortable role to be playing!  My hope is not to stop, if I stop it will always be out there as a temptation and that will give it more power, I want to get bored with it.  I want to make this like cock worship, something that no longer interests me.   I feel I am sort of there now, or at close to being there.  Thanks to my friend, I was able to get onto Christinfetish.com, and it honestly bored me, was not what I thought it was, as I said, I am not a blasphemy fetishist.  I think as I run out of material to masturbate to, and I continue to develop my other fetishes, this will fade away again, I hope.  The  only way to defeat it is to discount it as not important anymore.  I pray I get there.

Getting Deeper into Masturbation Addicition

I now regret my decision to "bate free", even though at the time it lifted a restriction, or better stated a weight from my neck in not having to remember the times and circumstances of my masturbation sessions, I now no longer have the data to show a decided uptick in my activity.  I know there is one, as I have been masturbating pretty much non-stop since Christmas Eve.

Here are the details.  I went home to my parents over Christmas, when its just me and them, there really is not too much for us to do, so I had a lot of free time on my hands, something I am not used to.  Well one thing led to another and I sort of went on, for lack of a better term, a binge.  That alone is one thing, but the second is slightly more alarming.  My dark bates have NOT gone away, but rather have intensified, as a friend of mine (blog reader) is getting me more into this, not because he wants to pull me down, but rather that we have experienced the same things, and it is hot for us to encourage each other into the dark pleasures of satanic masturbation.

Even saying this gives me a shutter, of course I just came, so I am, for the time being, in my right mind and not horned up.  What has happened, is I have done this so much now, that I need increasingly more intense material to get me off, even to the point where I am questioning the spirituality of what I am entering into.  I am scared, but also excited at the same time.  I think what allowed the dam of restraint to at last break forth was a realization that, even though its very edgy, it is still just a fetish, like all my others, the only difference is this one involves masturbation to demons with erect cocks.    I know if I read these words when I was 32, when I started this blog, I would be shocked.  I was shocked at myself for looking at Temple Priapus, for crying out loud, and honestly that is weak sauce now, hardly even something to concern me. I should have realized that no matter how much I fight it, I was on a journey to the dark side, Priapus lead to cock worship which basically is satanism.    I think God would find it odd that I get off to masturbating to His mortal enemy.  But I said a little prayer that whatever happened, I would not mean it.  All it took is me watching a 5 minute Xtube video for me to cum in huge, large ropes into the air.

The reason I am writing this is one, to keep a record of this new development, but also to try to find some reason as to why this is happening to me.  I know I have had these tendencies before, but over the last week,, the lid has really been blown off, I am not sure how much more deeper I will end up going.  I guess the appeal is the idea of freedom from rules, and a system that rewards and encourages self pleasure, and making yourself your own God, "Do as Thou Wilt."  This appeals to the sin nature that we all have whether through original sin, or learned behavior, depending on which theologian you believe regarding sin.

Let's face it, sin is pleasurable, there is no way around this.   I have been trying to convince myself that there can be both, you can be a Christian and masturbate as much as you like and nothing will happen.  But the issue is when the masturbation becomes your own god, or better that your cock is your own god, that clearly is a violation of "Thou shalt have no other gods before me" and "Have no idols."  These are clearly sins, so where is the line?  I hope I can get over this and be turned onto something more spiritually benign.

I will write more, I just needed to get this off my chest.

Understanding My Blasphemy Fetish

I just came, and it is ever becoming more clear to me that I have a blasphemy fetish and that many of my other interests and fetishes are evolving into this dark one.  Anyone who has read this blog will see the gradual progression from my first interests in Priapus to where I am now.  Man, so where do I begin?

A lot has happened to me in the last 48 hours, and I hope by the end of this ordeal I emerge unscathed.  It all started with a blog reader who got me thinking about this fetish, and before long I was right back there doing it, going to dark places and enjoying the pleasure it brings to cum to words and images, but curiously words have more power for some reason.

I, at last, decided, strangely, to document this dark journey by recording the best websites for this kind of thing (which I will not publish here as this is not that kind of blog--hence no pictures), when I stumbled across one particular website (again which shall remain unnamed to protect the innocent) which sought to not get me off, but help me understand what I am dealing with.

For one, I am not a satanist because I have a blasphemy fetish.  I have not renounced my faith,  but rather am exploring what is out there.  As of this moment, I pray, I do not renounce anything, and curiously the site I was reading seemed to say that I am not fit to be given over to the devil because of my lust, as I have no spiritual desire for the dark side, it is only a sexual matter, a fetish.  This gave me some relief, although not that much, knowing I have not done something to bring my soul in danger, but am close to it.

The issue, it seems, is the ability to separate my sexuality from my religion and faith, which seems to be an impossible task, but is doable.  I have to see this as nothing but material to get me off, not a mortal sin, or a statement to say I'm changing sides.  I didn't ask to have a blasphemy fetish, but somehow I have one now.  And it really is this at the heart of what gets my juices flowing.  I looked at Cock Worship, or adoration of your cock, the church of Cock, Cock is God, and all the rest, and although that seems interesting to some extent, it really is not at the heart of all of this.  It is not about my cock, it is about rebellion.

At the heart of this seed is a need for a lack of control, I came up with this notion again after lunch.  I know I have mentioned this before, but I do see how all of this is related to one master theme in my life.  My diaper and sports fetishes, and recently dumbing down, all have a common denominator--lack of control.  So what about blasphemy, how is that related to control?  Well my other fetishes came around late high school/ early college, but when I was an evangelical Christian, masturbation was a hot topic.  We all talked about it as a sin, something you had to avoid, had to stop, had to repress.  I truly think, although I cannot know for certain, that it is the residue of this repression that has pushed me into my blas. fet.  When I masturbate, I wear my fraternity hoodie, I won't name the organization, but it is a fraternity for believers.  So it represents the source of much of this repression. I see repression as a form of control, so to give into an entity that encourages me to give up that control and rewards me with ultimate pleasure is a very hard thing to resist.  What I am coming to realize is that I have not really interacted with a demon or the devil, I just like the idea of all of it as a sexual expression.

So what does this all mean, exactly?  To be honest, I am not sure.  It is not all just perfect now as I am sort of in a spiritual crossfire.  Although I am not doing anything to impress satanists, I am doing things that could piss off God.  I know He understands it is a fetish, but man, a fetish to get off on joining with His enemy, is not exactly what I think He has in mind for me.  The suggestion this website gives is just change religions, to one tolerant of this behavior that is not Christianity or Satanism, but my issue is that is a HUGE life change, and I just can't do that, I still believe in Jesus, that He is real, that He is my Lord.  I have tested my faith, and have a strong foundation I cannot just walk away from.   So changing religions is not an option, nor is becoming a Satanist, obviously for the same reason.  So I am left with just dealing with the fetish on its own terms and seeing, somehow, if I can reconcile this with my faith on the grounds that it is not a spiritual thing at all.  I can pray before I masturbate, that whatever I look at or think about is not about the one true real God, it is just pretend, like wearing a scary mask on Halloween.

I don't know if that is insane to ask for or not, but I just cannot leave my church family over this fetish, it is not that important to me.  I will continue to struggle with this in the short term until, hopefully, I start to focus on something else, like dumbing down fetish (which is impossible to find anything on except warpmymind, and even the file I liked is gone now :( )  As always, thanks for reading me ramble on, I will post more when I have more clarity on this turn of events.

Clarification on Infantilism

Ok, I think its important that I clear up something for all my readers who may be confused about my fetishes.  I have mentioned on more than one occasion, that I have an ABDL fetish, which stands for adult baby/ diaper lover.  I know that the ABDL community has worked very hard over the years, as this fetish is becoming more widely known, to announce that this has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with real children.  I had a conversation with one of my blog readers who somehow had it in his head that I am into Pedo., because I have a diaper fetish.  It must be understood, by those who do not understand this, that the fetish is about ADULTS, over 18, who are turned on by the idea of becoming a baby, and--in particular--wearing and using diapers.  The diaper side is a from the desire to loose control of yourself, so you want to regress, to become like a baby or toddler.  And in my case, to become dumb, which, last I checked, was not illegal.  It simply has nothing to do with wanting to see children in some horrific act--this is wrong and is ILLEGAL, I will have nothing to do with it in any way, shape or form, and I hope everyone behind the staging of such material is caught and put in prison, where they belong.

That is all I have to say, I am kinda worked up about this and will post something new when I am calmed.  My dark bate desires have passed for the time being, as expected, let's hope it stays that way.