Well, I set out to let thing go, to go all out and literally push my body to its limit on what it can do. I was at full steam last Wednesday, when I cam2cam on Skype with a guy that I have gotten to know fairly well. Well I jerked off for him several times, and I have to say after two times with him I was unable to actually cum for him. This was very embarrassing for me, because on the third occasion (on Wednesday) it looked like the same thing was going to happen again; keep in mind the last time I came was on Sunday, so you would think by Wednesday my body would be able to do it. After at least an hour of this, I was unsuccessful. I don't know if it was stage fright or what, but I simply could not do it no matter how hard I tried! I would understand this issue if it was the same day as me blowing my load, but it had been three days! Well finally, after about an hour and 15 mins, maybe, I did it for him, but we did not go at the same time as we had hoped. We have not chatted or spoken on cam since then, which leads me to believe he may have lost interest in me. *_*.
I can't say I'm surprised, this is what happens with internet friendships. I was friends with another guy, who seemed to be into the same things I was into, but he too has left me alone once he gotten to know me and realize that I am not his type. I must say this is for the best, even though it is disappointing. I'm very new to the gay scene, and so I need to find out who I am looking for in a guy and what I really want, and take things slow.
After Wednesday's disappointment, I decided to take a break, not even think about masturbation until my body reminded me about it. I was fine until just now. It's Saturday, so it had been another 2 and half days of nothing. I even did not force myself to cum, just took things easy, and sure enough after about 5 mins I came, looking at some very erotic scenes of three gays going after it in MX gear.
So where are we now? I will not push it anymore. This is exactly where I was before I decided to go after this around June 25-26th. So it has been just over a month, and that is all it took for me to realize that I do not need sex in life all the time, everyday. I need to learn my limits and learn that it is okay to not be addicted, and in fact living that way is not freedom at all, it is being enslaved to yourself. As usual, I should have just listened to my body and realize I need to stay at 46%. The problem is my mind wants to take everything to its extreme, where erotica lives. But the reality is 46% is my magic number. Basically what that means is I jerk off 46% of the time (days/sessions). I am now at 55%, if I masturbated everyday of the year, that would be 100%; more than everyday, like two times a day, would be 200%. I am just a 46% kind of guy and I just need to be cool with that. After all, I need to keep telling myself, it is quality, not quantity that counts.
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2 comments:
Have you ever thought that your insatiable desire to self-love and orgasm miight just exist because you don't a long-term romantic or sexual relationship with a person to whom you can direct your sexual desires. The main reason why couples engage in sex is because he release of sperm activates various bonding hormones between two bodies allowing them to slowly adapt to each other's presence and have their sexual desires consumed by them. Because you lack this other person, you like a viable agent to whom you can attach yourself to. Instead, upon ejaculation, your body tries to bond with whatever porn stars excited you. Since that fails who only want to go back for more.
Your belief that you are masturbating too much will only end when you have a long-lasting sexual alternative to masturbation.
After all, one of the primary reasons why adolescent males feel an almost inconquerable pull to masturbation is because masturbation is biologically designed to train the body for sexual intercourse (whatever position) and prepare the body to satisfyingly engage for nothing. It also is to provide a temporary alternative to sexual intercourse when that option is not available (but it's not always intended for long periods of sexual inactivity since that numbs the zest of masturbation).
Also, it seems that apart from masturbation, you also have trouble analyzing your sexual identity and acting out your sexuality with regards to a religious model that you believe in. Although I don't share your, I respect your desire to not violate it. Ultimately, your masturbation is with your unsatisfying love/sex life which in itself must be greatly influenced by your conflicting attitudes towards Christianity and Homosexuality/General sexuality.
If I were you, sir, I would try to find an outside, third-party, APA-licensed, psychotherapist who is preferably gay-affirmative (which all psychotherapeutic organizations uphold) and anti-conversion therapy (which has been proven to be unsafe, uneffective, and condemned by all scientific, psychoanalytic, sexological, psychiatric, etc. associations). Also, you seem to be strong in your faith and I applaud that. The USA abounds with liberal branches of Christianity which try to analyze Christian history and theology by applying modern understandings of human sexology, religious/cultural Anthropology, and Biblical archeology/exegesis to understand what viable stances on human sexuality and homosexuality can (scripturally justifiably) exist within ancient Christian dogma without the influence of past cultural interactions and influences
Congratulations on being the first person in three years to leave a comment on my personal blog. I must say that seeing there was a comment came to me as a shock since I have forgotten that people actually read my rambling thoughts on my sexuality.
Thanks for your words to me. I have seen a psychologist for a few months a few years ago and got limited results from that, please email me if you like to discuss more, littleben176@yahoo.com
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