I can't believe it's been nearly a year since I made a post on this blog. I bet all you readers out thought I died or just dropped off the face the earth. Well getting a boyfriend can pre-occupy your mind and time, so I am less reflective, pensive, and less needing this blog as my personal sounding board for my own struggles.
I re-read my last post, so I could at least see what I was thinking about last May 31st, and strangely enough the subject of the post is related to the reason I thought to come back and write again. You see, no matter how much I write, think and resolve to find the answers, I am always plagued with the same old struggles, the issue and importance of these blogs--or just keeping a journal in general--is seeing what progress you have made in these struggles. Do I see myself differently now, or am I essentially the same person dealing with the same things.
Well, I have to say the latter applies mostly to me. Yes, I am now is a deeply committed relationship with the same guy I was alluding to in my last entry. Given it has been nearly a year later, we are very serious and I think he may be the one. We will be going to Hawaii soon, so I think that will be a great opportunity for us to further our growing relationship. You would think that being in a relationship would change everything, and to some extent it has, when he is here, I am not interested as much in pursuing my personal fetishes, but am all wrapped up in him, his presence. The challenge is he is not with me most of the time, as he lives about 5 hours away. I was supposed to see him this weekend, but I cancelled the plans as I thought there would be bad weather, hail and whatnot, so far that has not happened, but he is due to see me in a week, so we are not all upset about it. But, all this is to say, I cannot rely on him to take away my pervious sexual experiences. I am still who I am, I still have the same baggage. And I would like to focus today on my master fetish, "morophilia" or dumbing down.
Morophilia, the word I learned today, means sexual arousal or attraction to unintelligent people, or the exact opposite of a sapiosexual--someone attracted to smart people, far more common. I do not have this in the purest form, it is not just dumb people I like, it is seeing them get dumb, which dovetails nicely into the revelation I made last year on the whole modification/transformation fetish experience. I looked this up on line, and sadly there is virtually no literature out there --that I can find-- on my exact fetish. Most of what is out there is about the plushy scene and how people are aroused by becoming an animal or something along those lines. That is not my think, I would hope (if you read my blog), you would know that by now! I have been obsessing a lot, lately, mostly this last week, about the dumbing down thing. I have established pretty thoroughly that I do not want this for myself, it is me seeing it in others that turns me on, making this an indirect fetish (I forget the correct word for this), where I am an observer and not a participant in the fetish. I don't think being a participant would work for my personal and professional life, so I have learned to see this behavior in others as the key outlet or porn associated with the fetish. There are no images, it is only words, what they write, and I compare them systematically for my own pleasure, to see how far they have regressed in their language abilities. See this descent, the falling back to simpler forms and ideas and raw pleasures is oh so arousing to me!
It has come to the point where I can feel some addiction to it seeping in, to the point where this is getting slightly out of hand and unsustainable. This is why I am here. I write when there are problems, this is the purpose of this blog, I guess things have gone pretty well for me this last year, and honestly I didn't feel it was right for me to be writing about my boyfriend behind his back, when I could just talk to him about whatever it was that was bothering me, but this is something he doesn't understand. He has struggled his whole life with learning and so the idea that someone would be turned on my being dumb, well just perplexes him. I get it, I understand that most fetishes are just alien to the people who do not have them. Sure they listen and empathize, but they don't really get it, or understand how I feel about it. I am further frustrated that there doesn't seem to be a community be people out there who are dealing with this. Yes, there is some on line forum thread where I get my porn, those who are doing the hypnosis files to make them dumb, and there are the folks on the sidelines who are getting off on seeing them act this way, but they are in it, they do not want to understand it, why d they need to, they like it, so they indulge into it. *By the way, if you see spelling errors, it is not because I am dumbing down, it has to do with that I am not proofing this text before I post it, as I cam doing this for me, to get these ideas out of my mind*
So, in short, I feel isolated. I get that it's a transformation, I get that its a return to simplicity and a lack of care of being carful. But none of this explains why I am so effected by it. I know it has to do with my past, being in special ed, not understanding things, but that was me, I am better now, and I have already explained that I do not want to participate in the actual process. I think some of this is a feeling that I have been corrected my whole life by people I have perceived as smarter than myself, people I look up to, but in the end, put me in my place as not as smart. I like seeing these smart people brought down, to below my level, so I can see their mistakes so clearly. But there is pleasure in it, in seeing that they like to get dumb, that they are getting off on it--that's what gets me, its like the missing piece that makes it all go off in my head. This concept that "it feels good to be dumb". There is pleasure in making mistakes, and not caring about being right. It's like sitting in a wet diaper, the world can see, and you don't care, it just feels so nice, and you wet it all the more, getting you hard, it's fun. That is what it's like, the abandonment social and norms for the pursuit of pleasure. But then, when I cum, I feel like all this is so wrong, so wrong that smart people who have so much to offer to the world are giving it all up, committing intellectual suicide, for the sake of pleasure. So I am torn, I get off on this thing I can't control, and there seems to be such a limited way to get more, or to prevent all of it from happening. I thought this morning, if it was not for one person, the hypnotist who made the dumbing down files, I would more than likely not have this fetish, it is really that rare, or if it is out here, I have not found the secret cash on the internet to satisfy my lust. There is another youtube video on Reduce IQ hypnosis, but the dumb people who reply are mostly girls and there is no link or association to masturbation. For one, if it is a girl who is dumbing down, I have zero interest. It has to be a dumb guy, I am building a fantasy in my head, its a smart guy, who wears hightops and loose jerseys, all bright colors and big logos, and he just gets dumb. Strangely just like the characters from my ABDL fantasy stories--they just get dumb and I show it to the delight of all who share in my dark passion. My heart flutters when he drops a grade level here and there until in the end he is sucking his thumb on the floor wearing diapers.
I know I am rambling, I am spinning in circles because I don't have the answers I am looking for, I don't have that "ah ha" moment that really links why I am so into this, and if I knew why, I could better control it, manage it. I the forum thread is slow, this tends to die out, out of lack of new material, but I have made a game of going back and analyzing the past people who have done this, so it has keep me going. The perfect case is a guy, who was so smart, wrote paragraphs about what he was wanting, using intelligent big words, like "normalization", etc., and I read his post now and its 60% incorrect spellings and two or three lines of the pleasures of how far he has fallen, and how much more he wants to be stupid. "i fel gud" stuff like that. Keep in mind, when you make a post on a forum, they have spell check built in, so he sees the red dotted lines beneath and still he posts. I sometimes wonder if it is all an act, a presence, to play the part of a dumb person for the gratification of others, but when you see this behavior bleed over into other posts in other forums, either he is a very good actor, he is really dumb. The files work, I am convinced, I have over a 100 subjects who have done it, who I have seen slip in their writing abilities as they progress through the files, one by one. So it is real, I am turned on by the fact that it is real, and I am turned on by their own ignorance and that they don't care and just "feel reely gud" about it. I think, for me, the management solution is twofold.
1.) Just stay away from the forum
2.) Indulge when I must, but don't dwell on it.
I wish I knew more
AT OUT---------------------
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Transformations - Modification Fetish
I think I have had an epiphany of sorts. I have come to realize that all my fetishes, in one way or another, are about some form of transformation. Even the gear and sports stuff; by wearing gear, I am transformed into a bro, a player, that I am not. I have followed a certain tumblr account for the last 5 months and today I decided to once again look at it, after I saw a recent post on Warp My Mind on dumbing down. (The guy who wrote the blog was once a participant of the dumbing down hypno series---it is funny how one things invariably leads to another). But in any case, between reading excerpts from this blog and then a chat recently with another fellow I met off of Warp My Mind, and then combined with my attempts to explain my fetishes to my new (potential) boyfriend (see last post), it has mixed together in my brain and clarity has emerged.
I had before classified my fetishes as three main parts, Addition/Blasphemy/Gear/Diapers. But these are in fact variations on the theme for a need to change, a need to be something that I am not, and that need is never fully realized, as I don't truly want to change all the way, but just play with it. Up to this point, I have never really thought of my gear as a change, but that is exactly what it is. I don't go out, wearing LA Gear hightops appropriate for a 14-year-old, why, because I want to became a dumb 14 year old. I like the transformation is brings. Now, while this is still the case, not all of it is strictly spiritual. All fetishes are either spiritual (action or situation) or plastic (physical objects). But that having been said, all plastic fetish relate in some way back to the idea of change. But they, in their own form, still hold levels of power. I know I am getting deep here, so let me try to explain it in a different way. What I mean, is--for example--I don't like plain blue basketball shorts, even if they would be what a basketballer would wear, I would prefer certain types, materials, color combinations, logos, etc. So, maybe in my mind these combination further enhance the ideal I am subconsciously aspiring towards? Like the perfect player, or bro, doing his thing, and getting off on how hot his gear makes him, how horny and turned on he feels when he is someone he is not, a hockey player, a diaper boy, an addicted masturbator, a dumb downed jock in hightops, an exChristian free to jerk off, a _________, anything but me (or perceived social inhibitions), because me is boring and un-sexual, I have to change to get off, or see the changes in others. The more I think on this, the more it makes sense. Even the other day I cam when I saw a guy who had went about to become a bed wetter succeeded at this odd task and was extremely satisfied with the results, confirming my fantasy desires.
This also explain, finally, why I am so diverse with my fetishes. I like so many diverse things, that on the surface, seem totally unrelated, but upon closer inspection are related, just into different ways. Now I don't want to be everything, so for some reason certain bro roles have a greater pull on me than others. Like, for instance, I do not fantasize about being a biker leather man, someone who I am not, but the people into that appear older, less sexual. I like twinks, and twink things to transform into: motocross, hockey, football, skater boy--all that bulky gear gets me off, its makes me more changed than how I am.
Thinking of all of this in this way has helped me figure it out, as the title of this blog suggests is its purpose. I love modifications. Now that I am about to embark in what appears to be the first serious same-sex relationship of my life, I think knowing these things are important. I think I need to know that I can be myself and still be happy, that I don't always need to change. I don't expect to toss out my fetishes overnight due to this revelation, but by understanding them, in a way I can control them. At least in a more constructive way. My issues of late have been a pre-occupation, at the cost of everything else, on masturbation and porn, and fetish. I am looking for ways to slow down, mainly because my future boy friend's sex drive is slower than my own, I am at hyper light speed and he is happily chugging along at 50 mph. Why am I at light speed, you ask? Well its all this need for transformation! The need to transform into an addicted bator, and with that transformation, there is a a reduction into a lesser being, a being with less control, who in turn yields to unimaginable waves of penial pleasure, the addiction just feels good, so we do it, but at the cost of a true transformation that is not desirable, nor sustainable, not if other life goals are to be pursued. If that doesn't work, switch to dumbing down, to bed wetting, to something else that is perceived as pleasurable reduction of control, as a modification and regression of achieved life goals and with that an escape from daily responsibilities.
So what does all this mean? I have no fucking clue, but at least I think I have all the puzzle pieces now. Modification is key to figuring this all out.
-------AT out
I had before classified my fetishes as three main parts, Addition/Blasphemy/Gear/Diapers. But these are in fact variations on the theme for a need to change, a need to be something that I am not, and that need is never fully realized, as I don't truly want to change all the way, but just play with it. Up to this point, I have never really thought of my gear as a change, but that is exactly what it is. I don't go out, wearing LA Gear hightops appropriate for a 14-year-old, why, because I want to became a dumb 14 year old. I like the transformation is brings. Now, while this is still the case, not all of it is strictly spiritual. All fetishes are either spiritual (action or situation) or plastic (physical objects). But that having been said, all plastic fetish relate in some way back to the idea of change. But they, in their own form, still hold levels of power. I know I am getting deep here, so let me try to explain it in a different way. What I mean, is--for example--I don't like plain blue basketball shorts, even if they would be what a basketballer would wear, I would prefer certain types, materials, color combinations, logos, etc. So, maybe in my mind these combination further enhance the ideal I am subconsciously aspiring towards? Like the perfect player, or bro, doing his thing, and getting off on how hot his gear makes him, how horny and turned on he feels when he is someone he is not, a hockey player, a diaper boy, an addicted masturbator, a dumb downed jock in hightops, an exChristian free to jerk off, a _________, anything but me (or perceived social inhibitions), because me is boring and un-sexual, I have to change to get off, or see the changes in others. The more I think on this, the more it makes sense. Even the other day I cam when I saw a guy who had went about to become a bed wetter succeeded at this odd task and was extremely satisfied with the results, confirming my fantasy desires.
This also explain, finally, why I am so diverse with my fetishes. I like so many diverse things, that on the surface, seem totally unrelated, but upon closer inspection are related, just into different ways. Now I don't want to be everything, so for some reason certain bro roles have a greater pull on me than others. Like, for instance, I do not fantasize about being a biker leather man, someone who I am not, but the people into that appear older, less sexual. I like twinks, and twink things to transform into: motocross, hockey, football, skater boy--all that bulky gear gets me off, its makes me more changed than how I am.
Thinking of all of this in this way has helped me figure it out, as the title of this blog suggests is its purpose. I love modifications. Now that I am about to embark in what appears to be the first serious same-sex relationship of my life, I think knowing these things are important. I think I need to know that I can be myself and still be happy, that I don't always need to change. I don't expect to toss out my fetishes overnight due to this revelation, but by understanding them, in a way I can control them. At least in a more constructive way. My issues of late have been a pre-occupation, at the cost of everything else, on masturbation and porn, and fetish. I am looking for ways to slow down, mainly because my future boy friend's sex drive is slower than my own, I am at hyper light speed and he is happily chugging along at 50 mph. Why am I at light speed, you ask? Well its all this need for transformation! The need to transform into an addicted bator, and with that transformation, there is a a reduction into a lesser being, a being with less control, who in turn yields to unimaginable waves of penial pleasure, the addiction just feels good, so we do it, but at the cost of a true transformation that is not desirable, nor sustainable, not if other life goals are to be pursued. If that doesn't work, switch to dumbing down, to bed wetting, to something else that is perceived as pleasurable reduction of control, as a modification and regression of achieved life goals and with that an escape from daily responsibilities.
So what does all this mean? I have no fucking clue, but at least I think I have all the puzzle pieces now. Modification is key to figuring this all out.
-------AT out
Thursday, May 28, 2015
A New Person in My Life
I think for the first time since I started this blog, that I can say things are safely coming to an era of stability and growth. I have broken up with one boyfriend (his life goals were just not the same as my own), but on the heels of that I met someone new. This new person is acting as the stabilizing force as I see him (yes a second gay relationship) as someone who is descent and kind and not obsessed with sex. While is not a perfect fit in every regard, I do see him as the person I need in my life right now. We have not yet met, he lives about 5 hours away from me, but I feel that there will be opportunities in the future to meet, and I am already excited about it. He is into diapers, which is largely my key fetish. That helps so much, as I do not know if we would have met otherwise. I think he can fit into some of the other things that I am into, while I can learn to adjust to his needs and desires. All of this is speculative, of course. We have not even met, but I have high hopes for the future.
The main thing that has been eating away at me for a long time is the fact that I feel so incredibly lonely. And all the gear and fetishes in the world will not satisfy this basic, essential need. We need to be in relationship, that is how God made us to be. If I spend all my days masturbating to hockey porn (my latest fetish I am REALLY into) I may be satisfied in the short term, but over time that will never fully fulfill my needs. At this time, I am looking to wind down some of my addictions to masturbation, as I want to build up a desire to be with my new guy, and have him be the icing on my cake. I cannot underscore enough how all the problems of my past, the issues I keep coming back to in this blog, are solved when you just have a person in your life to share life's burdens and adventures with. It won't be easy, it will take sacrifice, but in the end, it will be worth it.
The update on my bate is that I jerk off once a day now, and cum about once every other day. It's still a big thing for me, but not as it was a month ago--the main reason is I am no longer doing the 50 day challenge, in which I promised myself to masturbate for the Easter season as an expression of celebration for the risen Lord. While masturbation is important to me, it will no longer be the be-all, end-all. I will certainly update if that changes.
The main thing that has been eating away at me for a long time is the fact that I feel so incredibly lonely. And all the gear and fetishes in the world will not satisfy this basic, essential need. We need to be in relationship, that is how God made us to be. If I spend all my days masturbating to hockey porn (my latest fetish I am REALLY into) I may be satisfied in the short term, but over time that will never fully fulfill my needs. At this time, I am looking to wind down some of my addictions to masturbation, as I want to build up a desire to be with my new guy, and have him be the icing on my cake. I cannot underscore enough how all the problems of my past, the issues I keep coming back to in this blog, are solved when you just have a person in your life to share life's burdens and adventures with. It won't be easy, it will take sacrifice, but in the end, it will be worth it.
The update on my bate is that I jerk off once a day now, and cum about once every other day. It's still a big thing for me, but not as it was a month ago--the main reason is I am no longer doing the 50 day challenge, in which I promised myself to masturbate for the Easter season as an expression of celebration for the risen Lord. While masturbation is important to me, it will no longer be the be-all, end-all. I will certainly update if that changes.
Friday, May 15, 2015
My life as a Christian masturbator
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Saturday, March 21, 2015
The New Me
I have been on a dangerous road of late, going from extremes of self pleasure, hypnosis, and fantasy. I think I need a change, I know I need a change. I was meaning to go back and re-read my post from late last year about my fetishes and how when taking them to their inevitable conclusion, they lead to some form of self-destruction. They are the three D's: Dumbing Down, Diapers, and Devil Worship. I have thankfully have pretty much stayed clear of the last one, I went onto Bible of Cock and read it to climax a few times, and that I consider Satanic due to the imagery of goat head beasts masturbation and inverted crosses and pentacles. Fortunately, I have not been drawn to go back, it leaves me hollow inside when I jerk off to that shit.
Diapers has stayed with me, in fact I am in a wet one now, very nice. Not necessarily self-destructive, but a life change if I go incont., which is always on my mind, but my better judgement prevents me from entertaining the notion, its just easier to wear when I can and am so inclined to. I hate to be so morbid, but I won't go incont. as long as my parents are alive. I am so often with them, on trips and visits, and I just cannot bear to tell them I want to wear diapers, so they will never know, if I have any say about it. Needless to say, I am in a holding pattern with diapers, and just will carry on as I've always have.
Now for the last, dumbing down. Okay, so here's the deal. I had a friend, someone who PM'ed me on WMM, hypnosis website, that said I should do it. I chatted with him and he seemed to indicate that I can do this this "permanent" file and be okay, maintain my current level of thinking, work performance, personal obligations, responsibilities, and hobbies. Like this was just some side thing to help me relax and get me off. But there more I thought about it, the more I realized it is trashing the neat well-kept, library of my brain. It is an aggressive file, made to change you, make you not think. I have been told it is not really "permanent", but I have seen the effects the files has had on perfectly normal people who are made into perfect idiots by listening to the files. Sure, they feel good about it, but I just don't like the idea of someone going into my brain and messing with it, altering my memories, my learning, my accomplishments. I have been told I am making a huge deal about it, and so I did it, I listened to file 1, all the way, until I cam. It did feel good, but I had a sense of uneasiness all day, and I just can't shake that I am doing someone horrible to myself.
Then all of this got me praying. I am not really spiritually anymore, I go to church and believe God is real, but I don't pray anymore, at least not regularly. I did today, I prayed that God would lead me to where I need to go with this. I had such a sense of indecision. Do I do this, or not? Part of me wanted to and part did not, and they both seemed equally matched, so neither side would win. As soon as I would resolve one way, the other would fight back. Then, as I said, I prayed, and I saw a file about being made straight. I know the idea is preposterous. No one can be made to be straight or gay, right? I mean it takes a life time of nurture and genetics predisposition to inform one's sexual identity. I get that, but for me I am not 100% gay, I am somewhere helplessly lost in the middle, unsure about myself, who I am, what I need and want. I cannot find a guy on Match.com I like, I have been on the site for months. So far no matches in my area. I live in a conservative area, so there just dosn't seem to be that many out gays around. I don't want to move away just to meet a guy, that strikes me as rash. So if a file can make someone dumb, I have seen the proof in posts that are literally ridiculous, every word misspelled. If that can happen, why can't a file make you straight by the same methods? I know it may be a waste of time, but I am going to give it a go. If I fail, great, I know I am gay and there is nothing I can do about it, I will stay on my same course. If it DOES change me, then a whole new world of tits and pussy will open up to me, my family and friends will look on my approvingly. I will make everyone happy, espcially myself. There will be zero doubt about the faith question, there will be no one to accuse me of living in sin, even the most conservative of them all. Strangely it still matters to me what evangelicals think of me, I wonder if there is a file for that too? Probably... I will keep you all informed, sorry for typos, not checking for them.
Diapers has stayed with me, in fact I am in a wet one now, very nice. Not necessarily self-destructive, but a life change if I go incont., which is always on my mind, but my better judgement prevents me from entertaining the notion, its just easier to wear when I can and am so inclined to. I hate to be so morbid, but I won't go incont. as long as my parents are alive. I am so often with them, on trips and visits, and I just cannot bear to tell them I want to wear diapers, so they will never know, if I have any say about it. Needless to say, I am in a holding pattern with diapers, and just will carry on as I've always have.
Now for the last, dumbing down. Okay, so here's the deal. I had a friend, someone who PM'ed me on WMM, hypnosis website, that said I should do it. I chatted with him and he seemed to indicate that I can do this this "permanent" file and be okay, maintain my current level of thinking, work performance, personal obligations, responsibilities, and hobbies. Like this was just some side thing to help me relax and get me off. But there more I thought about it, the more I realized it is trashing the neat well-kept, library of my brain. It is an aggressive file, made to change you, make you not think. I have been told it is not really "permanent", but I have seen the effects the files has had on perfectly normal people who are made into perfect idiots by listening to the files. Sure, they feel good about it, but I just don't like the idea of someone going into my brain and messing with it, altering my memories, my learning, my accomplishments. I have been told I am making a huge deal about it, and so I did it, I listened to file 1, all the way, until I cam. It did feel good, but I had a sense of uneasiness all day, and I just can't shake that I am doing someone horrible to myself.
Then all of this got me praying. I am not really spiritually anymore, I go to church and believe God is real, but I don't pray anymore, at least not regularly. I did today, I prayed that God would lead me to where I need to go with this. I had such a sense of indecision. Do I do this, or not? Part of me wanted to and part did not, and they both seemed equally matched, so neither side would win. As soon as I would resolve one way, the other would fight back. Then, as I said, I prayed, and I saw a file about being made straight. I know the idea is preposterous. No one can be made to be straight or gay, right? I mean it takes a life time of nurture and genetics predisposition to inform one's sexual identity. I get that, but for me I am not 100% gay, I am somewhere helplessly lost in the middle, unsure about myself, who I am, what I need and want. I cannot find a guy on Match.com I like, I have been on the site for months. So far no matches in my area. I live in a conservative area, so there just dosn't seem to be that many out gays around. I don't want to move away just to meet a guy, that strikes me as rash. So if a file can make someone dumb, I have seen the proof in posts that are literally ridiculous, every word misspelled. If that can happen, why can't a file make you straight by the same methods? I know it may be a waste of time, but I am going to give it a go. If I fail, great, I know I am gay and there is nothing I can do about it, I will stay on my same course. If it DOES change me, then a whole new world of tits and pussy will open up to me, my family and friends will look on my approvingly. I will make everyone happy, espcially myself. There will be zero doubt about the faith question, there will be no one to accuse me of living in sin, even the most conservative of them all. Strangely it still matters to me what evangelicals think of me, I wonder if there is a file for that too? Probably... I will keep you all informed, sorry for typos, not checking for them.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Feeling Kinda Down Today
Today got off with a rough start, not that this is that unusual for me, but it seem that despite my best intentions to communicate love and acceptance to people, it gets perceived as bullying by others. I am not a bully, never have been and never would want to be one. I think the issue here is definitions. To me a bully is someone of activity seeks out to intimidate and harm another person in order to make themselves feel better. They call someone names, and rejoices in seeing the other person get torn down. I do not do those things, nor would I want to do them. I was bullied as a kid and I know how much it hurts the other person. I think what is at issue here is bad communication. I say A the other person hear's B, even if I never wanted to say B that is what they hear, and so then they come back with C, I am a bully. This has left me upset, to say the least, as I pride myself in being a loving, accepting person, not quick to judge. I have sought out friends who do not have other friends, the socially marginalized, as I know they need a person in their lives to be their friend.
I know I am rambling here, I am in a bit of a state, I suppose. All morning I have been stewing over am email from a friend who said that he thought I was bullying someone else, a mutual friend of ours, when from my perspective, he was the one who pulled away from me, and the only reason he did was because I would not comply with some things he was wanting me to do, that I didn't understand what he was up to, so I stopped and asked a few questions, and this has "ticked him off" and so he just left, no word of explanation. Just because I question the motives of another person, for my own personal safety ---he was trying to do something to me, like hypnosis or something, although I am not sure, as it didn't get that far---it does not make me a bully! I think the issue in full is that this person who emailed me seemed to take the other guy's story without asking me first what happened from my perspective. I have sense tried to correct the issue, there is nothing else I know to do. I also have no idea how to not be me, if I am a bully by nature and I have no perception of it, then I don't know how to change sense I don't know what behaviors I did that affected the other person. I feel like I am speaking French and they are speaking Chinese. We are just not communicating, and it gets to me. Here I have so few friends, friends who understand me, for who I am, and I seem to be the one who gets to pay the price, by being isolated and alone, and on St. Valentines Day. Yeah, it's not that bad, I do have friends and people I can talk to, a special friend I have that I look forward to chatting with, but it seems like it's the little things that get to you, and this is one of those things.
I have more I could talk about, but am not wanting to touch on those aspects just now, as I have my day before me and more I need to do around the house. I am still into the dumbing down fetish, but am staying away from jumping full into the files. I don't feel remarkably dumb just now, so I think everything is okay. More later.
I know I am rambling here, I am in a bit of a state, I suppose. All morning I have been stewing over am email from a friend who said that he thought I was bullying someone else, a mutual friend of ours, when from my perspective, he was the one who pulled away from me, and the only reason he did was because I would not comply with some things he was wanting me to do, that I didn't understand what he was up to, so I stopped and asked a few questions, and this has "ticked him off" and so he just left, no word of explanation. Just because I question the motives of another person, for my own personal safety ---he was trying to do something to me, like hypnosis or something, although I am not sure, as it didn't get that far---it does not make me a bully! I think the issue in full is that this person who emailed me seemed to take the other guy's story without asking me first what happened from my perspective. I have sense tried to correct the issue, there is nothing else I know to do. I also have no idea how to not be me, if I am a bully by nature and I have no perception of it, then I don't know how to change sense I don't know what behaviors I did that affected the other person. I feel like I am speaking French and they are speaking Chinese. We are just not communicating, and it gets to me. Here I have so few friends, friends who understand me, for who I am, and I seem to be the one who gets to pay the price, by being isolated and alone, and on St. Valentines Day. Yeah, it's not that bad, I do have friends and people I can talk to, a special friend I have that I look forward to chatting with, but it seems like it's the little things that get to you, and this is one of those things.
I have more I could talk about, but am not wanting to touch on those aspects just now, as I have my day before me and more I need to do around the house. I am still into the dumbing down fetish, but am staying away from jumping full into the files. I don't feel remarkably dumb just now, so I think everything is okay. More later.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
The Ups and Downs of Life
As usual, I wish I had more time to devote to this post of my blog. There is more going on in my life right now than I have time to translate into words, in fact I will not check this post for typos, not to turn anyone onto dumbing down, but due to the aforementioned time restraints! Such is life.
Ok, so onto what;s going on. I am spending way too much time fixated on dumbing down, hypnosis, and speaking to friends who are into dumbing down. Not that any of these things are bad, or even lead to bad choices right now for me, but it has become my chief purpose foregoing all other passions, and practices. Prayer? Ha, out the window, I never pray. Not that I don't believe, I do, but it has become a lower priority. Last night I had Law and Order on my TV, ready to watch, it remained unwatched, why? Was reading the dumbing down threads and masturbating to them. I have even heard masturbation hypnosis that is designed to get you more chronically addicted to it. I find I have to constantly hide from my roommate, I am constantly in some kind of compromised state. I am not reading, working on my novel, bearly keeping up with chores. And has this obsession gotten me so far? Well it got me masturbating and horny all the time, but beyond that there is not much to show for it. I know that much of this angst is about my need to be productive, but man I do have goals in life and I am not doing a thing to meet them right now.
I titled this post the ups and down of life because when I am into this stuff, I am very happy, its a rush of endorphins. I love it, gets me so horny and addicted, but then when its over I feel utterly alone. This constant up and down, I know its not healthy, I know I need help, but I keep telling myself I have this covered, I don't need to spend $100 an hour for a therapist for him to tell me I need to not look at warp my mind anymore, I get it, the stuff makes you crazy. My problem is living the straight and narrow is just boring to me. I am not interested in reading books about Henry VIII or Lewis and Clark, I know I need to be, but I'm not. I'm not interested in deepening my academic knowledge on gay marriage and the church and if the Bible says its okay, I ma so over that now, I don't care, I know in my heart its not a sin, do I need to read 1000 pages on line about it? (I had a friend who wrote this and wants me to read it, which is so tedious and boring.
Maybe its the horniness, my sex drive just wants more and more and more, and it won't stop. Is this addiction? Maybe. I want to say so much more, but no time. I will come back and post more soon.
Ok, so onto what;s going on. I am spending way too much time fixated on dumbing down, hypnosis, and speaking to friends who are into dumbing down. Not that any of these things are bad, or even lead to bad choices right now for me, but it has become my chief purpose foregoing all other passions, and practices. Prayer? Ha, out the window, I never pray. Not that I don't believe, I do, but it has become a lower priority. Last night I had Law and Order on my TV, ready to watch, it remained unwatched, why? Was reading the dumbing down threads and masturbating to them. I have even heard masturbation hypnosis that is designed to get you more chronically addicted to it. I find I have to constantly hide from my roommate, I am constantly in some kind of compromised state. I am not reading, working on my novel, bearly keeping up with chores. And has this obsession gotten me so far? Well it got me masturbating and horny all the time, but beyond that there is not much to show for it. I know that much of this angst is about my need to be productive, but man I do have goals in life and I am not doing a thing to meet them right now.
I titled this post the ups and down of life because when I am into this stuff, I am very happy, its a rush of endorphins. I love it, gets me so horny and addicted, but then when its over I feel utterly alone. This constant up and down, I know its not healthy, I know I need help, but I keep telling myself I have this covered, I don't need to spend $100 an hour for a therapist for him to tell me I need to not look at warp my mind anymore, I get it, the stuff makes you crazy. My problem is living the straight and narrow is just boring to me. I am not interested in reading books about Henry VIII or Lewis and Clark, I know I need to be, but I'm not. I'm not interested in deepening my academic knowledge on gay marriage and the church and if the Bible says its okay, I ma so over that now, I don't care, I know in my heart its not a sin, do I need to read 1000 pages on line about it? (I had a friend who wrote this and wants me to read it, which is so tedious and boring.
Maybe its the horniness, my sex drive just wants more and more and more, and it won't stop. Is this addiction? Maybe. I want to say so much more, but no time. I will come back and post more soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)