I think I have had an epiphany of sorts. I have come to realize that all my fetishes, in one way or another, are about some form of transformation. Even the gear and sports stuff; by wearing gear, I am transformed into a bro, a player, that I am not. I have followed a certain tumblr account for the last 5 months and today I decided to once again look at it, after I saw a recent post on Warp My Mind on dumbing down. (The guy who wrote the blog was once a participant of the dumbing down hypno series---it is funny how one things invariably leads to another). But in any case, between reading excerpts from this blog and then a chat recently with another fellow I met off of Warp My Mind, and then combined with my attempts to explain my fetishes to my new (potential) boyfriend (see last post), it has mixed together in my brain and clarity has emerged.
I had before classified my fetishes as three main parts, Addition/Blasphemy/Gear/Diapers. But these are in fact variations on the theme for a need to change, a need to be something that I am not, and that need is never fully realized, as I don't truly want to change all the way, but just play with it. Up to this point, I have never really thought of my gear as a change, but that is exactly what it is. I don't go out, wearing LA Gear hightops appropriate for a 14-year-old, why, because I want to became a dumb 14 year old. I like the transformation is brings. Now, while this is still the case, not all of it is strictly spiritual. All fetishes are either spiritual (action or situation) or plastic (physical objects). But that having been said, all plastic fetish relate in some way back to the idea of change. But they, in their own form, still hold levels of power. I know I am getting deep here, so let me try to explain it in a different way. What I mean, is--for example--I don't like plain blue basketball shorts, even if they would be what a basketballer would wear, I would prefer certain types, materials, color combinations, logos, etc. So, maybe in my mind these combination further enhance the ideal I am subconsciously aspiring towards? Like the perfect player, or bro, doing his thing, and getting off on how hot his gear makes him, how horny and turned on he feels when he is someone he is not, a hockey player, a diaper boy, an addicted masturbator, a dumb downed jock in hightops, an exChristian free to jerk off, a _________, anything but me (or perceived social inhibitions), because me is boring and un-sexual, I have to change to get off, or see the changes in others. The more I think on this, the more it makes sense. Even the other day I cam when I saw a guy who had went about to become a bed wetter succeeded at this odd task and was extremely satisfied with the results, confirming my fantasy desires.
This also explain, finally, why I am so diverse with my fetishes. I like so many diverse things, that on the surface, seem totally unrelated, but upon closer inspection are related, just into different ways. Now I don't want to be everything, so for some reason certain bro roles have a greater pull on me than others. Like, for instance, I do not fantasize about being a biker leather man, someone who I am not, but the people into that appear older, less sexual. I like twinks, and twink things to transform into: motocross, hockey, football, skater boy--all that bulky gear gets me off, its makes me more changed than how I am.
Thinking of all of this in this way has helped me figure it out, as the title of this blog suggests is its purpose. I love modifications. Now that I am about to embark in what appears to be the first serious same-sex relationship of my life, I think knowing these things are important. I think I need to know that I can be myself and still be happy, that I don't always need to change. I don't expect to toss out my fetishes overnight due to this revelation, but by understanding them, in a way I can control them. At least in a more constructive way. My issues of late have been a pre-occupation, at the cost of everything else, on masturbation and porn, and fetish. I am looking for ways to slow down, mainly because my future boy friend's sex drive is slower than my own, I am at hyper light speed and he is happily chugging along at 50 mph. Why am I at light speed, you ask? Well its all this need for transformation! The need to transform into an addicted bator, and with that transformation, there is a a reduction into a lesser being, a being with less control, who in turn yields to unimaginable waves of penial pleasure, the addiction just feels good, so we do it, but at the cost of a true transformation that is not desirable, nor sustainable, not if other life goals are to be pursued. If that doesn't work, switch to dumbing down, to bed wetting, to something else that is perceived as pleasurable reduction of control, as a modification and regression of achieved life goals and with that an escape from daily responsibilities.
So what does all this mean? I have no fucking clue, but at least I think I have all the puzzle pieces now. Modification is key to figuring this all out.
-------AT out
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Thursday, May 28, 2015
A New Person in My Life
I think for the first time since I started this blog, that I can say things are safely coming to an era of stability and growth. I have broken up with one boyfriend (his life goals were just not the same as my own), but on the heels of that I met someone new. This new person is acting as the stabilizing force as I see him (yes a second gay relationship) as someone who is descent and kind and not obsessed with sex. While is not a perfect fit in every regard, I do see him as the person I need in my life right now. We have not yet met, he lives about 5 hours away from me, but I feel that there will be opportunities in the future to meet, and I am already excited about it. He is into diapers, which is largely my key fetish. That helps so much, as I do not know if we would have met otherwise. I think he can fit into some of the other things that I am into, while I can learn to adjust to his needs and desires. All of this is speculative, of course. We have not even met, but I have high hopes for the future.
The main thing that has been eating away at me for a long time is the fact that I feel so incredibly lonely. And all the gear and fetishes in the world will not satisfy this basic, essential need. We need to be in relationship, that is how God made us to be. If I spend all my days masturbating to hockey porn (my latest fetish I am REALLY into) I may be satisfied in the short term, but over time that will never fully fulfill my needs. At this time, I am looking to wind down some of my addictions to masturbation, as I want to build up a desire to be with my new guy, and have him be the icing on my cake. I cannot underscore enough how all the problems of my past, the issues I keep coming back to in this blog, are solved when you just have a person in your life to share life's burdens and adventures with. It won't be easy, it will take sacrifice, but in the end, it will be worth it.
The update on my bate is that I jerk off once a day now, and cum about once every other day. It's still a big thing for me, but not as it was a month ago--the main reason is I am no longer doing the 50 day challenge, in which I promised myself to masturbate for the Easter season as an expression of celebration for the risen Lord. While masturbation is important to me, it will no longer be the be-all, end-all. I will certainly update if that changes.
The main thing that has been eating away at me for a long time is the fact that I feel so incredibly lonely. And all the gear and fetishes in the world will not satisfy this basic, essential need. We need to be in relationship, that is how God made us to be. If I spend all my days masturbating to hockey porn (my latest fetish I am REALLY into) I may be satisfied in the short term, but over time that will never fully fulfill my needs. At this time, I am looking to wind down some of my addictions to masturbation, as I want to build up a desire to be with my new guy, and have him be the icing on my cake. I cannot underscore enough how all the problems of my past, the issues I keep coming back to in this blog, are solved when you just have a person in your life to share life's burdens and adventures with. It won't be easy, it will take sacrifice, but in the end, it will be worth it.
The update on my bate is that I jerk off once a day now, and cum about once every other day. It's still a big thing for me, but not as it was a month ago--the main reason is I am no longer doing the 50 day challenge, in which I promised myself to masturbate for the Easter season as an expression of celebration for the risen Lord. While masturbation is important to me, it will no longer be the be-all, end-all. I will certainly update if that changes.
Friday, May 15, 2015
My life as a Christian masturbator
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Saturday, March 21, 2015
The New Me
I have been on a dangerous road of late, going from extremes of self pleasure, hypnosis, and fantasy. I think I need a change, I know I need a change. I was meaning to go back and re-read my post from late last year about my fetishes and how when taking them to their inevitable conclusion, they lead to some form of self-destruction. They are the three D's: Dumbing Down, Diapers, and Devil Worship. I have thankfully have pretty much stayed clear of the last one, I went onto Bible of Cock and read it to climax a few times, and that I consider Satanic due to the imagery of goat head beasts masturbation and inverted crosses and pentacles. Fortunately, I have not been drawn to go back, it leaves me hollow inside when I jerk off to that shit.
Diapers has stayed with me, in fact I am in a wet one now, very nice. Not necessarily self-destructive, but a life change if I go incont., which is always on my mind, but my better judgement prevents me from entertaining the notion, its just easier to wear when I can and am so inclined to. I hate to be so morbid, but I won't go incont. as long as my parents are alive. I am so often with them, on trips and visits, and I just cannot bear to tell them I want to wear diapers, so they will never know, if I have any say about it. Needless to say, I am in a holding pattern with diapers, and just will carry on as I've always have.
Now for the last, dumbing down. Okay, so here's the deal. I had a friend, someone who PM'ed me on WMM, hypnosis website, that said I should do it. I chatted with him and he seemed to indicate that I can do this this "permanent" file and be okay, maintain my current level of thinking, work performance, personal obligations, responsibilities, and hobbies. Like this was just some side thing to help me relax and get me off. But there more I thought about it, the more I realized it is trashing the neat well-kept, library of my brain. It is an aggressive file, made to change you, make you not think. I have been told it is not really "permanent", but I have seen the effects the files has had on perfectly normal people who are made into perfect idiots by listening to the files. Sure, they feel good about it, but I just don't like the idea of someone going into my brain and messing with it, altering my memories, my learning, my accomplishments. I have been told I am making a huge deal about it, and so I did it, I listened to file 1, all the way, until I cam. It did feel good, but I had a sense of uneasiness all day, and I just can't shake that I am doing someone horrible to myself.
Then all of this got me praying. I am not really spiritually anymore, I go to church and believe God is real, but I don't pray anymore, at least not regularly. I did today, I prayed that God would lead me to where I need to go with this. I had such a sense of indecision. Do I do this, or not? Part of me wanted to and part did not, and they both seemed equally matched, so neither side would win. As soon as I would resolve one way, the other would fight back. Then, as I said, I prayed, and I saw a file about being made straight. I know the idea is preposterous. No one can be made to be straight or gay, right? I mean it takes a life time of nurture and genetics predisposition to inform one's sexual identity. I get that, but for me I am not 100% gay, I am somewhere helplessly lost in the middle, unsure about myself, who I am, what I need and want. I cannot find a guy on Match.com I like, I have been on the site for months. So far no matches in my area. I live in a conservative area, so there just dosn't seem to be that many out gays around. I don't want to move away just to meet a guy, that strikes me as rash. So if a file can make someone dumb, I have seen the proof in posts that are literally ridiculous, every word misspelled. If that can happen, why can't a file make you straight by the same methods? I know it may be a waste of time, but I am going to give it a go. If I fail, great, I know I am gay and there is nothing I can do about it, I will stay on my same course. If it DOES change me, then a whole new world of tits and pussy will open up to me, my family and friends will look on my approvingly. I will make everyone happy, espcially myself. There will be zero doubt about the faith question, there will be no one to accuse me of living in sin, even the most conservative of them all. Strangely it still matters to me what evangelicals think of me, I wonder if there is a file for that too? Probably... I will keep you all informed, sorry for typos, not checking for them.
Diapers has stayed with me, in fact I am in a wet one now, very nice. Not necessarily self-destructive, but a life change if I go incont., which is always on my mind, but my better judgement prevents me from entertaining the notion, its just easier to wear when I can and am so inclined to. I hate to be so morbid, but I won't go incont. as long as my parents are alive. I am so often with them, on trips and visits, and I just cannot bear to tell them I want to wear diapers, so they will never know, if I have any say about it. Needless to say, I am in a holding pattern with diapers, and just will carry on as I've always have.
Now for the last, dumbing down. Okay, so here's the deal. I had a friend, someone who PM'ed me on WMM, hypnosis website, that said I should do it. I chatted with him and he seemed to indicate that I can do this this "permanent" file and be okay, maintain my current level of thinking, work performance, personal obligations, responsibilities, and hobbies. Like this was just some side thing to help me relax and get me off. But there more I thought about it, the more I realized it is trashing the neat well-kept, library of my brain. It is an aggressive file, made to change you, make you not think. I have been told it is not really "permanent", but I have seen the effects the files has had on perfectly normal people who are made into perfect idiots by listening to the files. Sure, they feel good about it, but I just don't like the idea of someone going into my brain and messing with it, altering my memories, my learning, my accomplishments. I have been told I am making a huge deal about it, and so I did it, I listened to file 1, all the way, until I cam. It did feel good, but I had a sense of uneasiness all day, and I just can't shake that I am doing someone horrible to myself.
Then all of this got me praying. I am not really spiritually anymore, I go to church and believe God is real, but I don't pray anymore, at least not regularly. I did today, I prayed that God would lead me to where I need to go with this. I had such a sense of indecision. Do I do this, or not? Part of me wanted to and part did not, and they both seemed equally matched, so neither side would win. As soon as I would resolve one way, the other would fight back. Then, as I said, I prayed, and I saw a file about being made straight. I know the idea is preposterous. No one can be made to be straight or gay, right? I mean it takes a life time of nurture and genetics predisposition to inform one's sexual identity. I get that, but for me I am not 100% gay, I am somewhere helplessly lost in the middle, unsure about myself, who I am, what I need and want. I cannot find a guy on Match.com I like, I have been on the site for months. So far no matches in my area. I live in a conservative area, so there just dosn't seem to be that many out gays around. I don't want to move away just to meet a guy, that strikes me as rash. So if a file can make someone dumb, I have seen the proof in posts that are literally ridiculous, every word misspelled. If that can happen, why can't a file make you straight by the same methods? I know it may be a waste of time, but I am going to give it a go. If I fail, great, I know I am gay and there is nothing I can do about it, I will stay on my same course. If it DOES change me, then a whole new world of tits and pussy will open up to me, my family and friends will look on my approvingly. I will make everyone happy, espcially myself. There will be zero doubt about the faith question, there will be no one to accuse me of living in sin, even the most conservative of them all. Strangely it still matters to me what evangelicals think of me, I wonder if there is a file for that too? Probably... I will keep you all informed, sorry for typos, not checking for them.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Feeling Kinda Down Today
Today got off with a rough start, not that this is that unusual for me, but it seem that despite my best intentions to communicate love and acceptance to people, it gets perceived as bullying by others. I am not a bully, never have been and never would want to be one. I think the issue here is definitions. To me a bully is someone of activity seeks out to intimidate and harm another person in order to make themselves feel better. They call someone names, and rejoices in seeing the other person get torn down. I do not do those things, nor would I want to do them. I was bullied as a kid and I know how much it hurts the other person. I think what is at issue here is bad communication. I say A the other person hear's B, even if I never wanted to say B that is what they hear, and so then they come back with C, I am a bully. This has left me upset, to say the least, as I pride myself in being a loving, accepting person, not quick to judge. I have sought out friends who do not have other friends, the socially marginalized, as I know they need a person in their lives to be their friend.
I know I am rambling here, I am in a bit of a state, I suppose. All morning I have been stewing over am email from a friend who said that he thought I was bullying someone else, a mutual friend of ours, when from my perspective, he was the one who pulled away from me, and the only reason he did was because I would not comply with some things he was wanting me to do, that I didn't understand what he was up to, so I stopped and asked a few questions, and this has "ticked him off" and so he just left, no word of explanation. Just because I question the motives of another person, for my own personal safety ---he was trying to do something to me, like hypnosis or something, although I am not sure, as it didn't get that far---it does not make me a bully! I think the issue in full is that this person who emailed me seemed to take the other guy's story without asking me first what happened from my perspective. I have sense tried to correct the issue, there is nothing else I know to do. I also have no idea how to not be me, if I am a bully by nature and I have no perception of it, then I don't know how to change sense I don't know what behaviors I did that affected the other person. I feel like I am speaking French and they are speaking Chinese. We are just not communicating, and it gets to me. Here I have so few friends, friends who understand me, for who I am, and I seem to be the one who gets to pay the price, by being isolated and alone, and on St. Valentines Day. Yeah, it's not that bad, I do have friends and people I can talk to, a special friend I have that I look forward to chatting with, but it seems like it's the little things that get to you, and this is one of those things.
I have more I could talk about, but am not wanting to touch on those aspects just now, as I have my day before me and more I need to do around the house. I am still into the dumbing down fetish, but am staying away from jumping full into the files. I don't feel remarkably dumb just now, so I think everything is okay. More later.
I know I am rambling here, I am in a bit of a state, I suppose. All morning I have been stewing over am email from a friend who said that he thought I was bullying someone else, a mutual friend of ours, when from my perspective, he was the one who pulled away from me, and the only reason he did was because I would not comply with some things he was wanting me to do, that I didn't understand what he was up to, so I stopped and asked a few questions, and this has "ticked him off" and so he just left, no word of explanation. Just because I question the motives of another person, for my own personal safety ---he was trying to do something to me, like hypnosis or something, although I am not sure, as it didn't get that far---it does not make me a bully! I think the issue in full is that this person who emailed me seemed to take the other guy's story without asking me first what happened from my perspective. I have sense tried to correct the issue, there is nothing else I know to do. I also have no idea how to not be me, if I am a bully by nature and I have no perception of it, then I don't know how to change sense I don't know what behaviors I did that affected the other person. I feel like I am speaking French and they are speaking Chinese. We are just not communicating, and it gets to me. Here I have so few friends, friends who understand me, for who I am, and I seem to be the one who gets to pay the price, by being isolated and alone, and on St. Valentines Day. Yeah, it's not that bad, I do have friends and people I can talk to, a special friend I have that I look forward to chatting with, but it seems like it's the little things that get to you, and this is one of those things.
I have more I could talk about, but am not wanting to touch on those aspects just now, as I have my day before me and more I need to do around the house. I am still into the dumbing down fetish, but am staying away from jumping full into the files. I don't feel remarkably dumb just now, so I think everything is okay. More later.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
The Ups and Downs of Life
As usual, I wish I had more time to devote to this post of my blog. There is more going on in my life right now than I have time to translate into words, in fact I will not check this post for typos, not to turn anyone onto dumbing down, but due to the aforementioned time restraints! Such is life.
Ok, so onto what;s going on. I am spending way too much time fixated on dumbing down, hypnosis, and speaking to friends who are into dumbing down. Not that any of these things are bad, or even lead to bad choices right now for me, but it has become my chief purpose foregoing all other passions, and practices. Prayer? Ha, out the window, I never pray. Not that I don't believe, I do, but it has become a lower priority. Last night I had Law and Order on my TV, ready to watch, it remained unwatched, why? Was reading the dumbing down threads and masturbating to them. I have even heard masturbation hypnosis that is designed to get you more chronically addicted to it. I find I have to constantly hide from my roommate, I am constantly in some kind of compromised state. I am not reading, working on my novel, bearly keeping up with chores. And has this obsession gotten me so far? Well it got me masturbating and horny all the time, but beyond that there is not much to show for it. I know that much of this angst is about my need to be productive, but man I do have goals in life and I am not doing a thing to meet them right now.
I titled this post the ups and down of life because when I am into this stuff, I am very happy, its a rush of endorphins. I love it, gets me so horny and addicted, but then when its over I feel utterly alone. This constant up and down, I know its not healthy, I know I need help, but I keep telling myself I have this covered, I don't need to spend $100 an hour for a therapist for him to tell me I need to not look at warp my mind anymore, I get it, the stuff makes you crazy. My problem is living the straight and narrow is just boring to me. I am not interested in reading books about Henry VIII or Lewis and Clark, I know I need to be, but I'm not. I'm not interested in deepening my academic knowledge on gay marriage and the church and if the Bible says its okay, I ma so over that now, I don't care, I know in my heart its not a sin, do I need to read 1000 pages on line about it? (I had a friend who wrote this and wants me to read it, which is so tedious and boring.
Maybe its the horniness, my sex drive just wants more and more and more, and it won't stop. Is this addiction? Maybe. I want to say so much more, but no time. I will come back and post more soon.
Ok, so onto what;s going on. I am spending way too much time fixated on dumbing down, hypnosis, and speaking to friends who are into dumbing down. Not that any of these things are bad, or even lead to bad choices right now for me, but it has become my chief purpose foregoing all other passions, and practices. Prayer? Ha, out the window, I never pray. Not that I don't believe, I do, but it has become a lower priority. Last night I had Law and Order on my TV, ready to watch, it remained unwatched, why? Was reading the dumbing down threads and masturbating to them. I have even heard masturbation hypnosis that is designed to get you more chronically addicted to it. I find I have to constantly hide from my roommate, I am constantly in some kind of compromised state. I am not reading, working on my novel, bearly keeping up with chores. And has this obsession gotten me so far? Well it got me masturbating and horny all the time, but beyond that there is not much to show for it. I know that much of this angst is about my need to be productive, but man I do have goals in life and I am not doing a thing to meet them right now.
I titled this post the ups and down of life because when I am into this stuff, I am very happy, its a rush of endorphins. I love it, gets me so horny and addicted, but then when its over I feel utterly alone. This constant up and down, I know its not healthy, I know I need help, but I keep telling myself I have this covered, I don't need to spend $100 an hour for a therapist for him to tell me I need to not look at warp my mind anymore, I get it, the stuff makes you crazy. My problem is living the straight and narrow is just boring to me. I am not interested in reading books about Henry VIII or Lewis and Clark, I know I need to be, but I'm not. I'm not interested in deepening my academic knowledge on gay marriage and the church and if the Bible says its okay, I ma so over that now, I don't care, I know in my heart its not a sin, do I need to read 1000 pages on line about it? (I had a friend who wrote this and wants me to read it, which is so tedious and boring.
Maybe its the horniness, my sex drive just wants more and more and more, and it won't stop. Is this addiction? Maybe. I want to say so much more, but no time. I will come back and post more soon.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Update on Stuff
This won't be long, I have a lot I need to get to today, and the day is already half over! I have not been doing the dumbing down files, but rather just trying to find everything on the internet about them and those who do, do them and seeing the effects on their diction. This has kept me going for some days and in a sense I have been in a fog with this still, but I do have other things I am doing, social events, work, etc., that is breaking this up so I am not totally immersed. I have seen some of the darker sides of Fet Life and it has been sobering, to say the least. I am not sure how far I will ever go into some of these fetishes as they seem to be all consuming.
The upshot of all of this is my latest fixation on dumbing down, which has dominated my sexual life for the last two weeks (man I wish I kept my log still!!! Why was I ever talked out of keeping this?) appears to be gradually fading away. It (as with any fetish) is fueled my some sort of media, be it visual, writing, etc., and so when this media is exhausted, there is no more fuel for the fire. This is a weird fetish, I don't need images, I need to see people's dumbing down, particularly if they were smart once and then became dumb. The irony of all of this is when it work --truly works-- you will not hear from the subjects who dumbed down, they will no longer have the desire or ability to post on their progress and certainly will lack all capacity to reflect on it. So I really can only see glimpses into people's lives as they are doing it, and then they fall off, never to be heard from again on line. It is scary, but seems to be the only way to get any info. on it.
I know in the long run, that it will be better for me to run out of media to consume. At some point I need to carry on with my life and do what I need to do. If I won't take the plunge all the way, then there is no point looking longingly over that cliff, imagining I am jumping and watching those who have.
The upshot of all of this is my latest fixation on dumbing down, which has dominated my sexual life for the last two weeks (man I wish I kept my log still!!! Why was I ever talked out of keeping this?) appears to be gradually fading away. It (as with any fetish) is fueled my some sort of media, be it visual, writing, etc., and so when this media is exhausted, there is no more fuel for the fire. This is a weird fetish, I don't need images, I need to see people's dumbing down, particularly if they were smart once and then became dumb. The irony of all of this is when it work --truly works-- you will not hear from the subjects who dumbed down, they will no longer have the desire or ability to post on their progress and certainly will lack all capacity to reflect on it. So I really can only see glimpses into people's lives as they are doing it, and then they fall off, never to be heard from again on line. It is scary, but seems to be the only way to get any info. on it.
I know in the long run, that it will be better for me to run out of media to consume. At some point I need to carry on with my life and do what I need to do. If I won't take the plunge all the way, then there is no point looking longingly over that cliff, imagining I am jumping and watching those who have.
Monday, January 19, 2015
IQ Reduction File
Ok, I did it. I no longer feel dumb, the effects wore off already. It made me feel really heavy and wonderful. I am not nearly as afarid of these files now as I was before, I can still feel that there are some lingering effects, but not vert severe. I am inverting my letters more, but that is just my typing and dyslexia, so I dont know for sure. More later, I am not in the mood to write now, I just wanted to update the blog as I promised I would do that.
Pleasurable Failure
Well this won't be long, all I am doing now is letting my readers know I have failed quiet pleasurably. I wore a goodnite and wet it in my sleep and today I listened to hypnosis on giving myself a manly cock, that focused on masturbation in the induction, quiet exciting. I can't get away, I don't want to anymore. As long as I can remain who I am, I will continue on my journey down this rabbit hole. Will I get help? Probably, but not sure when I will make the calls to get that set up. This will happen if I can no longer function with my current level of activity. I have a roommate now, so that is helping me not bate all day, I can't, he dosn't know about me, as much as I want him to know about me, it will just scare him off, so this will be kept to times alone in my room, late at night, which is kinda hot too, if you think about it.
I intend to fully do the IQ reduction file when I know for sure it will not have long lasting effects, which I think it wont. This is the file that is on youtube that makes you a retard for a few hours, I think I will try it before I go to bed tonight and see if I can write a post or not. I won't bother correcting any of the spelling or grammar so I can see how bad I get, this will make me feel so good to go back and read it again and again so I can masturbate to my own stupidity. :). Yeah, this thing has ahold of me, its a huge fetish for me, I have had it for a long time and now it is in me and I can't get it out, I want to feel dumb, to see what its like to not be able to think, to spell, to do much of anything but be aroused and to masturbate, that would be so hot. My hope is this will not have any long-term effects and that is stays safe.
My next post (hopefully if everything goes to plan) will be after I listen to the IQ reduction file. I also want to take an IQ test while under to see how far I drop down. Don't worry folks, this blog will be your front row seats into my descent into this fetish! Enjoy.
I intend to fully do the IQ reduction file when I know for sure it will not have long lasting effects, which I think it wont. This is the file that is on youtube that makes you a retard for a few hours, I think I will try it before I go to bed tonight and see if I can write a post or not. I won't bother correcting any of the spelling or grammar so I can see how bad I get, this will make me feel so good to go back and read it again and again so I can masturbate to my own stupidity. :). Yeah, this thing has ahold of me, its a huge fetish for me, I have had it for a long time and now it is in me and I can't get it out, I want to feel dumb, to see what its like to not be able to think, to spell, to do much of anything but be aroused and to masturbate, that would be so hot. My hope is this will not have any long-term effects and that is stays safe.
My next post (hopefully if everything goes to plan) will be after I listen to the IQ reduction file. I also want to take an IQ test while under to see how far I drop down. Don't worry folks, this blog will be your front row seats into my descent into this fetish! Enjoy.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Coming back up for air
So in the last week, I have been on the ride of my life. It seems that the more I get into "being dumb" the more addicting is my pursuit of the fetish. I am literally on the fringes of diving in all the way, doing as much as I can to taste the pleasure without it impacting my daily life. This has been pleasurable, but along with that very risky behavior, so much so that as of today I am taking a break from it.
Firstly, it must be clear that there are real risks to using hypnosis. I think they are like drugs for the mind, that we hear. I have seen this first hand in many areas on the web where casual listeners from all walks of life, are degraded and made to be stupid without any ability to right themselves. Hypnosis is powerful, when done in the right conditions, and it CAN CHANGE you! So there are unintended consequences to the behavior that impact us outside the setting of the initial session, it can stay with you and in severe cases can only be removed by more hypnosis.
The "being dumb" hypnotic fetish (or referred to as IQ reduction Fetish) and my "dark bate" have somewhat merged as I found a person who seems to be enthralled in both and he has done a lot to draw me into this, but I feel the strain this is causing me both spiritually and professionally. I have noticed mistakes at work, as I am more and more distracted by my fantasy, so much that it has followed me to work and into my daily life. I have felt a poignant ache within me as I am starving out my soul of meaningful nourishment through godly relationship and study.
I decided I don't like the direction this is going. As I mentioned in an earlier post on this subject, every fetish I have has a deep consequence if taken to its full extent. This is the "brain and soul". I was with friends last night, playing some games, and we played Crimes Against Humanity, in which the discourse of the conversation devolved into a depraved, perverted, and even sacrilegious tone. While funny and entertaining at the time, this left me with a heavy heart as I yet indulged again into the pleasures of masturbating to misspellings of those who have whole-heartily entered into the realms of dumbing down. So much so, I came at least three times, causing a physical pain in my groin.
I need to slow down, I need to take a breath, take stock of where I am and where things are going. For one, if I continue on this course, I will likely loose my faith as I would be in perpetual sin, and would value this over my relationship with God. While on the face, getting dumb may not seem to be a sin, but the pleasure in this regression is an increase in lustful thoughts and base gratification of the flesh; the whole an unintelligent response to pure nothingness of thoughtless behaviors. We become degraded, the mental faculties no longer in control, we become part animal, full of needs and desires for pleasure and masturbation. This is sin because it devalues spiritual relationships, and especially the part of loving God with out minds. It is a very strong distraction from the focus on Christ as our guide and friend. It is no different than getting drunk, or high, or any other matter of speaking that alters our conscious mind to a distorted state, even if pleasurable, is not designed by my maker.
So, those who are in the mire of this, would argue why do I not just shed the shackles of the Christian faith and enjoy perverted liberation? Believe me the thought has crossed my mind more than once, but for me the costs are too high. For one, I am unwilling to do hypnosis to simply take away my fear of being damned. If I don't have the fear, it dose not remove the real possibility that I am heading straight towards a cliff, where certain peril awaits. All it does it turns off the warning bells. Let me put it this way, if there is a fire in my house, the solution is not turning off the smoke detector and going back to bed! It is getting the hell out of the house! I believe hell is real, I believe if we reject God whole-heartily, blasphemy the Holy Spirit, and indulge in limitless sin (which is a real thing) there will be hell to pay, literally, and hell is not a fun place, it is agony, it unending torture, pain, and utter separation from the light, from love, from God. There is no love in hell, no delights, it is utter misery for eternity. So I'm pretty sure I don't want to be there. I may be wrong about this, no one really knows for sure, but I saw a video on Youtube called 8 minutes in hell, google it, its sobering and very disturbing, and seems to fit with some descriptions in Scripture about the eternal lake of fire. Again, I am not advocating that is is EXACTLY what hell it like, it could be more benign, or even wore, heaven forbid, but in any case it is a scary place. A place that even Satan does not want to be, he will be punished too, you know.
Secondly, leaving Christianity would be earth shattering for my personal life, which revolves around my faith community. I am very involved, committed, and my life here would be very dark indeed if I no longer attended any church and was left to my own devices. Sure there would be pleasure, but that will not stave off the utter loneliness and lack of purpose that would result from such a departure from community, I would be in some sort of hell as described in CS Lewis's book, The Great Divorce, which I highly recommend.
So all that on hell and community is to conclude that I cannot continue on this course, there is only so much grace to go around, and if I keep on sinning, am I really repentant? Or just using it like my weekly get out of jail free card, my free pass so I can go about living in pleasure....that is not true repentance, that is wanting it both ways: the delights of sin, but not wanting to pay its cost. I may be mistaken, but I am pretty sure it does not work that way. Jesus wants out hearts, our minds, our souls, our all. How can we do that if part of us is sucked into a all-consuming fetish, in which Satan is just waiting to take me in, making clever arguments as to why its okay to just taste it a little, to just play a little, no one will know, no one will care, Jesus will forgive you, so why not, just a little more?...very enticing, very tempting, but that is what the chief prevaricator does, he temps he confuses us until we are in too deep, and then showers us with guilt so that we cannot possible return to the light after where we been, too dirty now to go back...
So where does this lead me? Well clearly this is a swing in my great oscillation, as I often refer to. I describe my sexual life an ever swinging pendulum from one extreme to the other, bliss to chastity back to bliss. Guilt-Repentance-Temptation-Pleasure-Guilt... I know I will come back, the pendulum always swings back. For now, I want to a week of peace and then I will assess where I am. I am not saying I won't jerk off this next week, or even read more forum posts, but what I have committed to are two things. 1) No diapers. 2) No hypnosis. I see these as related as one part of the fog that has enveloped me. When I am diapers I do not feel like myself, I feel good all the time, and cannot focus on much, it takes me longer to do just about everything. Hypnosis only amplifies this effect to making me even more scattered and dreamy, and I wonder why I think God prefers this behavior? How can I focus to pray, to do anything for Him while in this state? It is like being drunk on pleasure. It is one reason why I won't wear diapers at church. It just feels....disrespectful. If I got to a point where wearing 24/7 was so normal that is was not something I even noticed anymore, then I think it would be different, but that is not how I feel now.
I will hope to come back in a week, next Sunday, to report on how I did, success or failure, I will do my best to report on where I am going. If I am unable to handle this, I will seek professional help from a therapist for sexual addiction and fetishism.
Firstly, it must be clear that there are real risks to using hypnosis. I think they are like drugs for the mind, that we hear. I have seen this first hand in many areas on the web where casual listeners from all walks of life, are degraded and made to be stupid without any ability to right themselves. Hypnosis is powerful, when done in the right conditions, and it CAN CHANGE you! So there are unintended consequences to the behavior that impact us outside the setting of the initial session, it can stay with you and in severe cases can only be removed by more hypnosis.
The "being dumb" hypnotic fetish (or referred to as IQ reduction Fetish) and my "dark bate" have somewhat merged as I found a person who seems to be enthralled in both and he has done a lot to draw me into this, but I feel the strain this is causing me both spiritually and professionally. I have noticed mistakes at work, as I am more and more distracted by my fantasy, so much that it has followed me to work and into my daily life. I have felt a poignant ache within me as I am starving out my soul of meaningful nourishment through godly relationship and study.
I decided I don't like the direction this is going. As I mentioned in an earlier post on this subject, every fetish I have has a deep consequence if taken to its full extent. This is the "brain and soul". I was with friends last night, playing some games, and we played Crimes Against Humanity, in which the discourse of the conversation devolved into a depraved, perverted, and even sacrilegious tone. While funny and entertaining at the time, this left me with a heavy heart as I yet indulged again into the pleasures of masturbating to misspellings of those who have whole-heartily entered into the realms of dumbing down. So much so, I came at least three times, causing a physical pain in my groin.
I need to slow down, I need to take a breath, take stock of where I am and where things are going. For one, if I continue on this course, I will likely loose my faith as I would be in perpetual sin, and would value this over my relationship with God. While on the face, getting dumb may not seem to be a sin, but the pleasure in this regression is an increase in lustful thoughts and base gratification of the flesh; the whole an unintelligent response to pure nothingness of thoughtless behaviors. We become degraded, the mental faculties no longer in control, we become part animal, full of needs and desires for pleasure and masturbation. This is sin because it devalues spiritual relationships, and especially the part of loving God with out minds. It is a very strong distraction from the focus on Christ as our guide and friend. It is no different than getting drunk, or high, or any other matter of speaking that alters our conscious mind to a distorted state, even if pleasurable, is not designed by my maker.
So, those who are in the mire of this, would argue why do I not just shed the shackles of the Christian faith and enjoy perverted liberation? Believe me the thought has crossed my mind more than once, but for me the costs are too high. For one, I am unwilling to do hypnosis to simply take away my fear of being damned. If I don't have the fear, it dose not remove the real possibility that I am heading straight towards a cliff, where certain peril awaits. All it does it turns off the warning bells. Let me put it this way, if there is a fire in my house, the solution is not turning off the smoke detector and going back to bed! It is getting the hell out of the house! I believe hell is real, I believe if we reject God whole-heartily, blasphemy the Holy Spirit, and indulge in limitless sin (which is a real thing) there will be hell to pay, literally, and hell is not a fun place, it is agony, it unending torture, pain, and utter separation from the light, from love, from God. There is no love in hell, no delights, it is utter misery for eternity. So I'm pretty sure I don't want to be there. I may be wrong about this, no one really knows for sure, but I saw a video on Youtube called 8 minutes in hell, google it, its sobering and very disturbing, and seems to fit with some descriptions in Scripture about the eternal lake of fire. Again, I am not advocating that is is EXACTLY what hell it like, it could be more benign, or even wore, heaven forbid, but in any case it is a scary place. A place that even Satan does not want to be, he will be punished too, you know.
Secondly, leaving Christianity would be earth shattering for my personal life, which revolves around my faith community. I am very involved, committed, and my life here would be very dark indeed if I no longer attended any church and was left to my own devices. Sure there would be pleasure, but that will not stave off the utter loneliness and lack of purpose that would result from such a departure from community, I would be in some sort of hell as described in CS Lewis's book, The Great Divorce, which I highly recommend.
So all that on hell and community is to conclude that I cannot continue on this course, there is only so much grace to go around, and if I keep on sinning, am I really repentant? Or just using it like my weekly get out of jail free card, my free pass so I can go about living in pleasure....that is not true repentance, that is wanting it both ways: the delights of sin, but not wanting to pay its cost. I may be mistaken, but I am pretty sure it does not work that way. Jesus wants out hearts, our minds, our souls, our all. How can we do that if part of us is sucked into a all-consuming fetish, in which Satan is just waiting to take me in, making clever arguments as to why its okay to just taste it a little, to just play a little, no one will know, no one will care, Jesus will forgive you, so why not, just a little more?...very enticing, very tempting, but that is what the chief prevaricator does, he temps he confuses us until we are in too deep, and then showers us with guilt so that we cannot possible return to the light after where we been, too dirty now to go back...
So where does this lead me? Well clearly this is a swing in my great oscillation, as I often refer to. I describe my sexual life an ever swinging pendulum from one extreme to the other, bliss to chastity back to bliss. Guilt-Repentance-Temptation-Pleasure-Guilt... I know I will come back, the pendulum always swings back. For now, I want to a week of peace and then I will assess where I am. I am not saying I won't jerk off this next week, or even read more forum posts, but what I have committed to are two things. 1) No diapers. 2) No hypnosis. I see these as related as one part of the fog that has enveloped me. When I am diapers I do not feel like myself, I feel good all the time, and cannot focus on much, it takes me longer to do just about everything. Hypnosis only amplifies this effect to making me even more scattered and dreamy, and I wonder why I think God prefers this behavior? How can I focus to pray, to do anything for Him while in this state? It is like being drunk on pleasure. It is one reason why I won't wear diapers at church. It just feels....disrespectful. If I got to a point where wearing 24/7 was so normal that is was not something I even noticed anymore, then I think it would be different, but that is not how I feel now.
I will hope to come back in a week, next Sunday, to report on how I did, success or failure, I will do my best to report on where I am going. If I am unable to handle this, I will seek professional help from a therapist for sexual addiction and fetishism.
Monday, January 5, 2015
More Thoughts on Being Dumb
So I must be on some kind of record here for the most posts in such a short period, I love that I can always come back to my blog as my personal security blanket of reflection. You see why I can't dumb down? If I did all my writing would be. hey sup guyz, tis is awsum...luv be dum. It would shock some of you, and it rightfully so. What a decent into academic regression, I would have betrayed Mrs. Bolton, my special education teacher, who worked so many long hours on my spelling, not to mention all of the other teachers and mentors, college professors and guides, and my parents, who have been besides me in my academic career. Who PAID probably close to $100,000 to put me through college. I have landed a great job, its stressful, but it's a great place to be in my profession, doing what I love. Would I give all that up so I could be hard and mindless.
Bit, none of these practical matters are enough to take away the desire I have to feel the pleasure of mental regression. I think I will experiment with some of the temporary files, if I can truly deem them as safe, but that is as far as I will go with this. I felt weird last night, reading the posts of at least three people who started out normal and articulate, regressed to.....me is dum dum hehe felz gud..... to....nothing, yes, they stop posting at all, because they kept coming back to the files, for the effect, as they are addictive, and they kept taking more and more away from these people that there is nothing left, at least as far as their web presence, who knows how they are carrying on in real life. Maybe this is only writing, but in one case the grammar and spelling errors were so profound, I would guess he was at about a 2nd or 3rd grade level. And on several levels, writing reading and vocabulary comprehension. Now he may have not been Einstein to start this, but that kind of drop was sobering, after I came I realized these people are effectively ruined. They have no sense of duty, or gratitude and respect to those who spent at least 12 years or more educating them. They seemed to have no ambition and sadly no sense of hope. It is like seeing someone get onto drugs, turn into a drug addict, and you see their life turn into mush. I get that its a turn on, I really do get it, I am there, but to make on fetish control and overshadow your whole life? That seems extreme.
All this to say I felt sick at the end of the evening, wondering how these files can be legal, but then again there is no law that says you can't be stupid, only the Darwin Awards!! More later.
Bit, none of these practical matters are enough to take away the desire I have to feel the pleasure of mental regression. I think I will experiment with some of the temporary files, if I can truly deem them as safe, but that is as far as I will go with this. I felt weird last night, reading the posts of at least three people who started out normal and articulate, regressed to.....me is dum dum hehe felz gud..... to....nothing, yes, they stop posting at all, because they kept coming back to the files, for the effect, as they are addictive, and they kept taking more and more away from these people that there is nothing left, at least as far as their web presence, who knows how they are carrying on in real life. Maybe this is only writing, but in one case the grammar and spelling errors were so profound, I would guess he was at about a 2nd or 3rd grade level. And on several levels, writing reading and vocabulary comprehension. Now he may have not been Einstein to start this, but that kind of drop was sobering, after I came I realized these people are effectively ruined. They have no sense of duty, or gratitude and respect to those who spent at least 12 years or more educating them. They seemed to have no ambition and sadly no sense of hope. It is like seeing someone get onto drugs, turn into a drug addict, and you see their life turn into mush. I get that its a turn on, I really do get it, I am there, but to make on fetish control and overshadow your whole life? That seems extreme.
All this to say I felt sick at the end of the evening, wondering how these files can be legal, but then again there is no law that says you can't be stupid, only the Darwin Awards!! More later.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Forbidden Fetishes
I know I have been blogging a lot lately, but that is because I have a lot going on internally right now, starting from about a month ago. I think I have finally come to some conclusion as to what my problems are. This is by no means conclusive on this subject, but it is at least another piece to the puzzle that makes up my very warped sexuality.
I have a propensity towards what I call "forbidden" fetishes. If the thing is off limits, that makes it all the more appealing. Here is a list to help illustrate this point.
Dumbing Down Fetish = Losing Your Brain power
Bed Wetting Fetish = Losing Bladder Control while sleeping
Diaper Dependence - 24/7 Diaper Usage = Loss of Bladder Control
Satanism/Blasphemy Fetish (including Cock Worship) = Losing Your Soul
Sports Gear and Shoe Fetish = Accumulation of unneeded sports gear
Masturbation Addition Fetish = Lose of Faith, ability to do other things, slave to porn
NOTE: I originally this post had more explanation about each of these, but the stupid computer blogger program gave me a bunch of "blogger-date escaped" and stuff when I did some formatting. Anyways, I think I (or whoever reads this) gets the point of what I am saying.
So every fetish I can think of has some kind of consequence that is bad, harmful, or just plain unhealthy. And that, in some sick, perverted way, is exactly why I am attracted to them. I do my best to mask the consequences, not enter into them all the way, which 1) dulls the orgasm, and 2) does not fully engage with the fetish. The fetishes that are the strongest in me right now are the ones that are the hardest to obtain. Sports gear is a non-issue, I just buy more gear and keep it, it can be an issue if left unchecked for a long time, but on a scale of 1 to 10, I would give my love of sports gear a 3. It's just not enough anymore. All I can do is imagine that I am dumbing down, or regressing in some way, and wearing the sports gear enhances that as a subject already sort of a "dumb jock".
The strongest right now is Dumbing Down, because it is so unobtainable for me, so the desire for it never goes away, it's like a mirage off in the distance, and I keep running after it, but it never comes to me, because I never actually run, I just pretend to run, because actually running would mean I would lose my brain, and thus I would not want to accept those consequences.
I have looked into this issue on Warp My Mind, and have made some file suggestions to make a file that does not make you dumb, but makes you *think* you are dumb, so you get the same affect, without it actually harming you. I am not sure if such a thing is possible, but there are so many wild, crazy files on that site, why not? I am a 103 IQ, (based on one on-line test) that can easily be seen as a drop from 120, so I could get all the pleasure of thinking I dropped from 120, when in fact I have not. It's all perception. I don't think a similar fake out approach is possible with my other fetishes with serious consequences, but the dumbing down one seems like its possible, I don't know.
In the meantime, I will continue to wallow in this in hopes I find something that can still turn me on. I know I just need a break from all of this, which is why I am not wearing diapers today. A dear friend of mine thought that the real issue here is that I just don't have anyone in my life. I cannot agree more, the problem is finding that right person, it is not as easy as you would think. At least for me.
I have a propensity towards what I call "forbidden" fetishes. If the thing is off limits, that makes it all the more appealing. Here is a list to help illustrate this point.
Dumbing Down Fetish = Losing Your Brain power
Bed Wetting Fetish = Losing Bladder Control while sleeping
Diaper Dependence - 24/7 Diaper Usage = Loss of Bladder Control
Satanism/Blasphemy Fetish (including Cock Worship) = Losing Your Soul
Sports Gear and Shoe Fetish = Accumulation of unneeded sports gear
Masturbation Addition Fetish = Lose of Faith, ability to do other things, slave to porn
NOTE: I originally this post had more explanation about each of these, but the stupid computer blogger program gave me a bunch of "blogger-date escaped" and stuff when I did some formatting. Anyways, I think I (or whoever reads this) gets the point of what I am saying.
So every fetish I can think of has some kind of consequence that is bad, harmful, or just plain unhealthy. And that, in some sick, perverted way, is exactly why I am attracted to them. I do my best to mask the consequences, not enter into them all the way, which 1) dulls the orgasm, and 2) does not fully engage with the fetish. The fetishes that are the strongest in me right now are the ones that are the hardest to obtain. Sports gear is a non-issue, I just buy more gear and keep it, it can be an issue if left unchecked for a long time, but on a scale of 1 to 10, I would give my love of sports gear a 3. It's just not enough anymore. All I can do is imagine that I am dumbing down, or regressing in some way, and wearing the sports gear enhances that as a subject already sort of a "dumb jock".
The strongest right now is Dumbing Down, because it is so unobtainable for me, so the desire for it never goes away, it's like a mirage off in the distance, and I keep running after it, but it never comes to me, because I never actually run, I just pretend to run, because actually running would mean I would lose my brain, and thus I would not want to accept those consequences.
I have looked into this issue on Warp My Mind, and have made some file suggestions to make a file that does not make you dumb, but makes you *think* you are dumb, so you get the same affect, without it actually harming you. I am not sure if such a thing is possible, but there are so many wild, crazy files on that site, why not? I am a 103 IQ, (based on one on-line test) that can easily be seen as a drop from 120, so I could get all the pleasure of thinking I dropped from 120, when in fact I have not. It's all perception. I don't think a similar fake out approach is possible with my other fetishes with serious consequences, but the dumbing down one seems like its possible, I don't know.
In the meantime, I will continue to wallow in this in hopes I find something that can still turn me on. I know I just need a break from all of this, which is why I am not wearing diapers today. A dear friend of mine thought that the real issue here is that I just don't have anyone in my life. I cannot agree more, the problem is finding that right person, it is not as easy as you would think. At least for me.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Fuzzy Dumbness Update
Ok, so I have finally gotten through reading all 42 pages of the thread I was reading on Warp My Mind, did I mention I was reading a thread last time? Well I have read it and I think I went through some kind of self hypnosis of some kind. I did briefly listen to one file, but I know it was not nearly enough to make an impact, it was for only 30 seconds or something. I did cum to it though, maybe that was enough? I don't know. I do think that the content of this particular thread was enough to put me into a trance, all pleasure is dumbness and dumbness is pleasure. The more dumb people posted, the better it seemed, and I kept on this cycle until I went to yoga today and that sort of snapped me out of it for the time being. I did notice that I was unable to recall who Catherine of Aragon was, I kept thinking her name was Mary, or something, and I knew it was wrong, but as hard as I tried, I could not recall the name. This is not some obscure fact for me, I watch documentaries on British history and read books about Henry VIII. Hell, I watched The Tutors, for crying out loud! One of the first things that happens is your brain sheds what it considers "useless knowledge". I was in a fuzzy brain state for a while.
I read some of the posts be site members who seemed the most committed and affected by the files, and I have confirmed that indeed one of them, the more severe case, has stayed dumb, and has really turned into a different person as a result of the files. It is real, it is scary. But because it is real and scary, it is hotter than anything. No longer is my regression thoughts mere fantasies, it can be seen in real people who have literally regressed their intelligence and they find pleasure in it. It truly does feel good to be dumb.
So where do I sit in all of this? I know that I cannot do this for one. I love to write! Can you tell yet? I write stories, even a full novel I care about, that I want to get published! I love my job, which, you guessed it, involves a lot of writing and organization, and keeping track of things, a lot of important things. Getting dumb will just get me in trouble and then I would possibly get fired for it, it just does not make much long term sense to me. Finally, since I have dyslexia and was held back a year, I did kindergarten twice (yes I am so dumb I failed kindergarten). I don't tell a lot of people that as I get ashamed about it. But anyways, I have worked my butt off to try to catch up in middle school and high school, and I got a master's degree! I did it, I won, I am smart.....but apparently with an average IQ, but these tests are not comprehensive. So all of this adds up to a need to be smart because I have earned it, I know that if I do these files my IQ would be in the 80s, I don't have far to drop. I will hold on and watch from a distance and do files that have no lasting effects.
I read some of the posts be site members who seemed the most committed and affected by the files, and I have confirmed that indeed one of them, the more severe case, has stayed dumb, and has really turned into a different person as a result of the files. It is real, it is scary. But because it is real and scary, it is hotter than anything. No longer is my regression thoughts mere fantasies, it can be seen in real people who have literally regressed their intelligence and they find pleasure in it. It truly does feel good to be dumb.
So where do I sit in all of this? I know that I cannot do this for one. I love to write! Can you tell yet? I write stories, even a full novel I care about, that I want to get published! I love my job, which, you guessed it, involves a lot of writing and organization, and keeping track of things, a lot of important things. Getting dumb will just get me in trouble and then I would possibly get fired for it, it just does not make much long term sense to me. Finally, since I have dyslexia and was held back a year, I did kindergarten twice (yes I am so dumb I failed kindergarten). I don't tell a lot of people that as I get ashamed about it. But anyways, I have worked my butt off to try to catch up in middle school and high school, and I got a master's degree! I did it, I won, I am smart.....but apparently with an average IQ, but these tests are not comprehensive. So all of this adds up to a need to be smart because I have earned it, I know that if I do these files my IQ would be in the 80s, I don't have far to drop. I will hold on and watch from a distance and do files that have no lasting effects.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Dumb Fun and Full of Cum
I am purposely not correcting any typos or spelling errors in this post as a way to show you the readers if I have problems with my intelligence. I was remarking earlier today to a friend that I am a stainglass window of fetishes. I truly think I am generally suscetible to fetishies in general. As you all know, only a week ago I was mired in my other dark fetish: santanism, more particularily my need to masturbate to the promptings of what I see on line inside that religion. Well, I had to get away from that, and I have transitioned, through bed wetting, to my new fetish, which is old, but new again, getting dumb.
So here are the details. I wanted to really focus less and less on what I truly think is Spiritually dangerous. So I went onto some bed wetter forums, and really got turned on by a fantasy to web the bed uncontrollably in my sleep. I got some Good Nites and a few pads, and started a program of allowing myself to wet the bed two nights in a row, that was hot. I needed that, something to distract me, to get me onto something new. Well, I happened to think on Thursday, to look on Warp My Mind, as to if there are any hypnosis files for bed wettings. There are, but more importantly, I found a name who commented on the file page that I recognized from the Dumbing Down file, that I listen to. I thought, on a whim, to serach other posts that this guy made, and voila! A whole, previously undiscovered treasure trove, 46 page long, thread on the dumbing down series. All it took was for me to read this addictive thread for me to get off, and boy did I! I jerked off and cam at least three times last night, and then again this morning to JUST reading the thread, that's right, not listening to the files....yet. I did hear a 30 sec bit, but not the whole thing. I am getting off on seeing the claer *real* regression these guys are going through.
The tile work by making the connection, very easy for me, that being dumb is pleasurable, and the more you orgasm the more it re-enforces the suggestion. So even though I didn't hear the file, just reading about the results, seeing guys IQ scores literally drop, was enough. I was in nice wet diapers, and that only made it better, the lack of potty control and getting dumb, it all fits together into a master fetish that eclipes dark bate stuff. I think I underwent self-hypnosis, it is possible. I just went into a trance and sort of dumbed down by reading the posts to this delicious thread. If you are reading this, and you want to learn more about how good and can be to get dumb, I will link you the thread, it is hot, at least for me.
So I think I am over dark bate, this is far more powerful for me, I have no desire, as of right now, to go back to those other sites. So inside of losing my soul, its just my brain. More later on this crazy fetish adventure I seem to be on!
So here are the details. I wanted to really focus less and less on what I truly think is Spiritually dangerous. So I went onto some bed wetter forums, and really got turned on by a fantasy to web the bed uncontrollably in my sleep. I got some Good Nites and a few pads, and started a program of allowing myself to wet the bed two nights in a row, that was hot. I needed that, something to distract me, to get me onto something new. Well, I happened to think on Thursday, to look on Warp My Mind, as to if there are any hypnosis files for bed wettings. There are, but more importantly, I found a name who commented on the file page that I recognized from the Dumbing Down file, that I listen to. I thought, on a whim, to serach other posts that this guy made, and voila! A whole, previously undiscovered treasure trove, 46 page long, thread on the dumbing down series. All it took was for me to read this addictive thread for me to get off, and boy did I! I jerked off and cam at least three times last night, and then again this morning to JUST reading the thread, that's right, not listening to the files....yet. I did hear a 30 sec bit, but not the whole thing. I am getting off on seeing the claer *real* regression these guys are going through.
The tile work by making the connection, very easy for me, that being dumb is pleasurable, and the more you orgasm the more it re-enforces the suggestion. So even though I didn't hear the file, just reading about the results, seeing guys IQ scores literally drop, was enough. I was in nice wet diapers, and that only made it better, the lack of potty control and getting dumb, it all fits together into a master fetish that eclipes dark bate stuff. I think I underwent self-hypnosis, it is possible. I just went into a trance and sort of dumbed down by reading the posts to this delicious thread. If you are reading this, and you want to learn more about how good and can be to get dumb, I will link you the thread, it is hot, at least for me.
So I think I am over dark bate, this is far more powerful for me, I have no desire, as of right now, to go back to those other sites. So inside of losing my soul, its just my brain. More later on this crazy fetish adventure I seem to be on!
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