So I guess you can say I am definitely not a professional 'bater. So I went to play the game and I got a weird time, which I suppose I left myself open to in the rules. I began to think about getting up at 4:00 AM to jerk off and the appeal of this game seemed to wear off.
After I was done trying to edge I went all the way and blew my load, I took a shower and thought to myself I cannot make plans to stop me from doing this, but I also can't make plans to make me want to do it more either! So until you hear otherwise, my plan is to NOT have any plans, not feed my lust, but let things go merrily on the course they are set to go. It was a mistake to get so involved with these chronic masturbaters when clearly I am not one of them nor do I have any desire to become like them. I had a fantasy about these groups and now that I can see what they are all about it doesn't quite seem as fun, then again I just blew my load so you know this is the zero horny side of me talking. More on this later, I have a lot else I need to do tonight!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Masturbation Game Time!
So yeah, this is a new tact in my ongoing adventures in masturbation. So I have been good this week and shot on Tuesday and today is Friday and I am ready to go. The reason I am writing a entry now is because I told myself in light of the negative thoughts on this subject, or at least the questioning thoughts, that after I am done with what I want to do that I WILL NOT feel bad, guilty, ashamed or otherwise in a faul spirit.
So what happened? Where is that manifesto I promised? Well it's not forgotten, but the task in itself is so large I have no had time to begin it. Meanwhile my horniness knows not how to wait. This is the the problem. What I want to do takes so much discipline, but what I end up doing is so easy and natural, even now as I write this I feel my penis getting hard and excited at knowing that he will get free reign in the next 24 hours. Now its out of my pants so it can say hi and feel free too! Man I love this! Why stop this? It feel so good to do it and we need to do it every now and then to let go and feel that pleasure!
I know I will revisit this subject, I know that there are limits, I know that I cannot give up all I am to become a penis worshiper. But come on I just want to have a little fun with the joys and gifts that God has given me!
So enough of that, here is the deal for tonight:
The Masturbation Binge Game
Rule 1: I cannot touch myself until the appointed time.
Rule 2: I spin my random wheel to get an exact time AM or PM.
Rule 3: I edge once every two hours until the time comes. My look at anything that turn me on if I am not edging (just can't touch).
Rule 4: 10 minutes before the time, I need to gear up in football gear.
Rule 5: 1 minute before I go for it (appointed time), I spin again to get a number between 0-120.
Rule 6: At the appointed time I try to cum as much as I can in the 0-120 minute time window. Must be different masturbation sessions.
Rule 7: Blog about the experience and also on a Yahoo group.
Goal: Cum at least 3 different times to WIN.
Ok, on your mark, get set. GO!!!
So what happened? Where is that manifesto I promised? Well it's not forgotten, but the task in itself is so large I have no had time to begin it. Meanwhile my horniness knows not how to wait. This is the the problem. What I want to do takes so much discipline, but what I end up doing is so easy and natural, even now as I write this I feel my penis getting hard and excited at knowing that he will get free reign in the next 24 hours. Now its out of my pants so it can say hi and feel free too! Man I love this! Why stop this? It feel so good to do it and we need to do it every now and then to let go and feel that pleasure!
I know I will revisit this subject, I know that there are limits, I know that I cannot give up all I am to become a penis worshiper. But come on I just want to have a little fun with the joys and gifts that God has given me!
So enough of that, here is the deal for tonight:
The Masturbation Binge Game
Rule 1: I cannot touch myself until the appointed time.
Rule 2: I spin my random wheel to get an exact time AM or PM.
Rule 3: I edge once every two hours until the time comes. My look at anything that turn me on if I am not edging (just can't touch).
Rule 4: 10 minutes before the time, I need to gear up in football gear.
Rule 5: 1 minute before I go for it (appointed time), I spin again to get a number between 0-120.
Rule 6: At the appointed time I try to cum as much as I can in the 0-120 minute time window. Must be different masturbation sessions.
Rule 7: Blog about the experience and also on a Yahoo group.
Goal: Cum at least 3 different times to WIN.
Ok, on your mark, get set. GO!!!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
More questions about masturbation
Anyone reading this blog can see that my life tends to get hung up on sexual issues. This is because I am single and I have devoted a lot of my time towards masturbation and my fetishes. I have been confronted on this several times, most recently was when I was undergoing the Doors of Hope course, which I never finished. There I was told that any self gratification, or masturbation, was a sin and it had to be stopped. I challenged this assertion because I was not able to find anything in the Bible about this being a sin. Well, now I am looking on line once again and I have found so many sites that are opposed to the practice and it is really frustrating me that so many Christians out there feel this way. I had gone through all of this so many times before and yet I end up in the same place once again questioning and wondering what I need to be doing.
I didn't plan on spending my valuable time today on this subject, as I have so much I need to be doing, but I find that once again I need some time to reflect on this as I have been moving towards increased masturbation in the last week, which was something else I was going to blog about as well. I had planned on writing a manifesto, if that is even the right word, detailing all the scripture references and how they deal with this subject, the subject of lust, and really what our response needs to be. My goal, of course, was to use this to affirm my beliefs that it is okay under certain conditions, etc. Well my self confidence on this issue is fading because oddly enough I googled the words "masturbation" and "prayer". I was wondering if there was such a thing as a masturbation prayer and in a dark crevice of my soul I was hoping to hit the Temple Priapus site again, but instead I was hit with page after page of how to stop masturbating, how it was a sin, etc. etc.
Now I am blogging to try to reflect on this in a deep and meaningful way so I can start to figure this out. After all, that's the name of this blog! I am not really sure where to begin. I suppose I can detail a little bit of history on where I have been going the last few weeks or so. I have looked and joined several yahoo groups (it always seems to start with the yahoo groups) on pro masturbation groups. Mainly because I was tired of always running into groups that were trying to make me stop. You see I had made the decision that I didn't think it was a sin, but so often I craved so much to see and observe those who are addicted to it. This kind of goes back to my desires earlier to go onto the temple and cock worshiping sites. The idea of giving oneself to the feelings and desires in a ritualized "quasi religious" setting seems overwhelmingly delicious to me. The process of seeing people in so much pleasure and yes lust makes me hard. This is my flesh crying out for more, and I see that my desires to dabble in this has acted to propound the desire so that I do form the addictions myself, which turns me on even more and more and so there is a downward spiral, a decent into masturbatory addiction and self worship. I began to worry when my decent actually landed me on a Satanic site, pentagrams, inverted crosses and everything. I came while on it and it made me feel exceedingly guilty. I can't help it, but in a way a rebellion against the rules of Christianity is part of this, and I hate that. Ex-Christians.net actually gives me hard on thinking of all those ex-Christians feeding their desires now and living under the illusion of freedom, when in sad reality they are in chains to the sins of pleasure and Satan has them where he wants them. But how to break that desire to see it is beyond me.
I prayed and did so many push ups that night because I looked at the cock worshiping blogs as I knew I sinned and was doing evil on myself. I had gotten to close to the flame of sin that I got burnt from it. After much self inflicted pain I did feel better, forgiven and justified. I prayed more on the Wednesday and took communion and really really tried to focus on God. Well last night I went on line again and masturbated. I had planned this mainly because I wanted to and really saw no sin or harm in it--I was not going onto any Satanic sites that time, only looking at a guy masturbate in a on-line video as I mimicked his behavior with my own. I thought my sin on Tuesday was the fact that I was getting off on genuine evil. Now after reading all of these Christian sites, I think even what I did last night could be considered wrong.
I think maybe I have gone too far with this, joining sites like Bate Nation and three yahoo groups that send out pro-masturbation e-mails by the hour seemingly. I can see wrong in it because it does take so much of my time now thinking about getting off and what the next masturbation game will be, all in an endless fruitless effort to get high off of it. A self induced drug to get a better and better fix. Edging and devoting more and more time to the act, elevating my penis as a little god, so easy and tempting to "worship" like all the others out there. I have always spoke of needing balance, needing regulation. But maybe something like this really can't be regulated when I am soaking in porn pretty much and interacting with people who are so addicted to pornography their lives are defined by it, spending hours, days looking at lustful things and feeding their addictions until it's practically irreversible. I know if I carry on, reading and looking at these sites while mindlessly edging away I will become like them, a slave to porn a slave to my penis's desires. Sex is such a powerful thing, it really can take over your life if you let it. I think I have allowed myself to taste the carnal cyber fruits and now I do have a bit of a compulsion forming.
So maybe masturbation is a sin? Where on earth does that leave me? I mean I spend 15 year trying to stop it, maybe I never knew the way how? What is so hard is the feelings it gives, how can I walk away from orgasms? And don't give me this nonsense about the marriage bed, God has not blessed me with a marriage, maybe because of this very issue, but it is an unending cycle, because I persist in masturbation because I am not married. My counselor, my own thought, my frustrations at the inability to permanently stop, my realization that this is a physiological need all have led me down the road that it is okay to do it. So I am left with questions again and now you see where I am. I am afraid to just give all of this over to God. I feel that at some point in my life I did this already, in one of my plans or programs I did this, but maybe my problem is me. I want to solve it on my own terms without really giving it over to God and His true desires of me. I know I have done this and I end up masturbating anyways waiting on something from God to tell me to do otherwise. Perhaps I just need some more patience on this and just not worry about it so much?
I like to leave my thoughts and ramblings with some kind of action plan. Here is what I think I need to do from this point forward.
1.) I need to read up in the Bible and actually write my manifesto. This will involve some of my old writings on this subject, but the goal is to look at what scripture really says. Yes, I know I wont see the magic "m" word in there, but that does not mean there are not other passages that may be helpful in sorting this out. Maybe from there I can get a personal constitution and interpretation to reflect specifically on my behavioral goals. Similar to my 1990s Analysis of Human Behavior journal, this will look at it from the scripture side more.
2.) After the manifesto is done I need to write out my personal behavior contract as to my final interpretation and goals as to what I will and will not do. I hope to answer: What is the nature of lust for me? What is sin? Where does God want to take me? How do I deal with my physical needs? What is holy and pure masturbation? Does it exist?
3.) Once I have a plan, I actually want to start my own Yahoo Group that support my plan. It will be a group of Christians that will either be in support of lustless or moral masturbation or it will be a group dedicated to stopping it once and for all. I am not sure at this point what this will look like, but I feel no matter what, I would like to form a group on it so I can find others out there that are in my camp. I may very well delete my involvement on gooning, etc. if I feel that those groups are pulling me away from my manifesto and promoting what is porn and lust for ME, not what is porn generally for others. I am unique and maybe looking at a guy jerk off is not a big deal because it doesn't cause me to lust after the guy. Who knows I will look forward to what I find out. In the end I pray that this manifesto is the be all end all on this 15 year debate I undergone on masturbation. I will post the manifesto on this blog. More to come.
----------------------------------------out------------------------------------------
I didn't plan on spending my valuable time today on this subject, as I have so much I need to be doing, but I find that once again I need some time to reflect on this as I have been moving towards increased masturbation in the last week, which was something else I was going to blog about as well. I had planned on writing a manifesto, if that is even the right word, detailing all the scripture references and how they deal with this subject, the subject of lust, and really what our response needs to be. My goal, of course, was to use this to affirm my beliefs that it is okay under certain conditions, etc. Well my self confidence on this issue is fading because oddly enough I googled the words "masturbation" and "prayer". I was wondering if there was such a thing as a masturbation prayer and in a dark crevice of my soul I was hoping to hit the Temple Priapus site again, but instead I was hit with page after page of how to stop masturbating, how it was a sin, etc. etc.
Now I am blogging to try to reflect on this in a deep and meaningful way so I can start to figure this out. After all, that's the name of this blog! I am not really sure where to begin. I suppose I can detail a little bit of history on where I have been going the last few weeks or so. I have looked and joined several yahoo groups (it always seems to start with the yahoo groups) on pro masturbation groups. Mainly because I was tired of always running into groups that were trying to make me stop. You see I had made the decision that I didn't think it was a sin, but so often I craved so much to see and observe those who are addicted to it. This kind of goes back to my desires earlier to go onto the temple and cock worshiping sites. The idea of giving oneself to the feelings and desires in a ritualized "quasi religious" setting seems overwhelmingly delicious to me. The process of seeing people in so much pleasure and yes lust makes me hard. This is my flesh crying out for more, and I see that my desires to dabble in this has acted to propound the desire so that I do form the addictions myself, which turns me on even more and more and so there is a downward spiral, a decent into masturbatory addiction and self worship. I began to worry when my decent actually landed me on a Satanic site, pentagrams, inverted crosses and everything. I came while on it and it made me feel exceedingly guilty. I can't help it, but in a way a rebellion against the rules of Christianity is part of this, and I hate that. Ex-Christians.net actually gives me hard on thinking of all those ex-Christians feeding their desires now and living under the illusion of freedom, when in sad reality they are in chains to the sins of pleasure and Satan has them where he wants them. But how to break that desire to see it is beyond me.
I prayed and did so many push ups that night because I looked at the cock worshiping blogs as I knew I sinned and was doing evil on myself. I had gotten to close to the flame of sin that I got burnt from it. After much self inflicted pain I did feel better, forgiven and justified. I prayed more on the Wednesday and took communion and really really tried to focus on God. Well last night I went on line again and masturbated. I had planned this mainly because I wanted to and really saw no sin or harm in it--I was not going onto any Satanic sites that time, only looking at a guy masturbate in a on-line video as I mimicked his behavior with my own. I thought my sin on Tuesday was the fact that I was getting off on genuine evil. Now after reading all of these Christian sites, I think even what I did last night could be considered wrong.
I think maybe I have gone too far with this, joining sites like Bate Nation and three yahoo groups that send out pro-masturbation e-mails by the hour seemingly. I can see wrong in it because it does take so much of my time now thinking about getting off and what the next masturbation game will be, all in an endless fruitless effort to get high off of it. A self induced drug to get a better and better fix. Edging and devoting more and more time to the act, elevating my penis as a little god, so easy and tempting to "worship" like all the others out there. I have always spoke of needing balance, needing regulation. But maybe something like this really can't be regulated when I am soaking in porn pretty much and interacting with people who are so addicted to pornography their lives are defined by it, spending hours, days looking at lustful things and feeding their addictions until it's practically irreversible. I know if I carry on, reading and looking at these sites while mindlessly edging away I will become like them, a slave to porn a slave to my penis's desires. Sex is such a powerful thing, it really can take over your life if you let it. I think I have allowed myself to taste the carnal cyber fruits and now I do have a bit of a compulsion forming.
So maybe masturbation is a sin? Where on earth does that leave me? I mean I spend 15 year trying to stop it, maybe I never knew the way how? What is so hard is the feelings it gives, how can I walk away from orgasms? And don't give me this nonsense about the marriage bed, God has not blessed me with a marriage, maybe because of this very issue, but it is an unending cycle, because I persist in masturbation because I am not married. My counselor, my own thought, my frustrations at the inability to permanently stop, my realization that this is a physiological need all have led me down the road that it is okay to do it. So I am left with questions again and now you see where I am. I am afraid to just give all of this over to God. I feel that at some point in my life I did this already, in one of my plans or programs I did this, but maybe my problem is me. I want to solve it on my own terms without really giving it over to God and His true desires of me. I know I have done this and I end up masturbating anyways waiting on something from God to tell me to do otherwise. Perhaps I just need some more patience on this and just not worry about it so much?
I like to leave my thoughts and ramblings with some kind of action plan. Here is what I think I need to do from this point forward.
1.) I need to read up in the Bible and actually write my manifesto. This will involve some of my old writings on this subject, but the goal is to look at what scripture really says. Yes, I know I wont see the magic "m" word in there, but that does not mean there are not other passages that may be helpful in sorting this out. Maybe from there I can get a personal constitution and interpretation to reflect specifically on my behavioral goals. Similar to my 1990s Analysis of Human Behavior journal, this will look at it from the scripture side more.
2.) After the manifesto is done I need to write out my personal behavior contract as to my final interpretation and goals as to what I will and will not do. I hope to answer: What is the nature of lust for me? What is sin? Where does God want to take me? How do I deal with my physical needs? What is holy and pure masturbation? Does it exist?
3.) Once I have a plan, I actually want to start my own Yahoo Group that support my plan. It will be a group of Christians that will either be in support of lustless or moral masturbation or it will be a group dedicated to stopping it once and for all. I am not sure at this point what this will look like, but I feel no matter what, I would like to form a group on it so I can find others out there that are in my camp. I may very well delete my involvement on gooning, etc. if I feel that those groups are pulling me away from my manifesto and promoting what is porn and lust for ME, not what is porn generally for others. I am unique and maybe looking at a guy jerk off is not a big deal because it doesn't cause me to lust after the guy. Who knows I will look forward to what I find out. In the end I pray that this manifesto is the be all end all on this 15 year debate I undergone on masturbation. I will post the manifesto on this blog. More to come.
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Saturday, November 15, 2008
Some time later with some answers
So, its been three months since I last visited this blog. I am sad to say that much of my progress or whatever you call my daily journey in life remains unchanged. I admit that I do lack direction as to what I should be doing with my life. So often I go from phase to phase almost as if I am a leaf to be blown about in the wind, eking out this meager existence here on earth. That does sound rather depressing, but as I have just finished masturbating to pornography, that does tend to happen.
I think I am really being attacked here. I can see that this is evidenced by the course of events that led up to my most recent sins. I was doing just fine all day until I started feeling rather horny on the drive back home. I think this was triggered by my looking for a store that seems to no longer be in business anyways. Well I began to start to think about some sexy black nylon soccer shorts, something I find incredibly hot.
Well then I was thinking about an e-mail I got from one of my pro masturbation yahoo groups. It does not take much for me to get going, to begin to think about the cheap easy thrills. I wanted to find a website dedicated to those who are hard core masturbation addicts and watch or even partake in their decent into that addiction. I got home and was able to contain myself long enough to unpack the car of items, before I made a b-line to my closest and went ahead and put on a diaper (another fetish of mine). I am still in one now. Well then I go to try to see if there are any sites out there about diaper masturbation, pro-masturbation, etc., etc. Well I give up and go to the pit of depravity itself and view a video of two guys in MX gear having oral sex. I have hit a new low once again.
I even prayed beforehand for God to forgive my carnal carvings and then I put God out of my mind as I indulged and released my seed into a condom. I am not proud of any of this and this is why I am under a assumed name here. I do not want anyone to know my true identity. The truth of my life is x-rated and is sinful.
So what now? I am always left with that same question. Why do all the pleasurable things in life have to be off limits? Why are we called to so much suffering here on earth? Why has God left me with such weak will. When it comes to temptation I am a weakling and I seek and even take pleasure in knowing that there are others who are just as weak or even worse. I can see that those who do revel in this godless lifestyle of perpetual pleasures and depravities have indeed been so far from God and given over by Him to indulge in their sins. I am on the edge. I try to be righteous each day, read my prayers, be interested in God and reading the Bible. But I again and again find myself falling short, going back to the bad water, my comfortable and easy sin.
I will ask for forgiveness and I do want it and believe in Jesus and the grace that he gives, but I must break this sin cycle I am on. I first off MUST identity that what I am doing is sin, without question, and furthermore we as Christians are called to not sin. If I can at least bring myself to make that distinction, I at least know where the battle lines are drawn and where I ought to never go. I feel I have made that distinction, but I crave what I know I cannot have. I so often justify what I want to see as being okay. I think the problem is I need to learn how to run away from my sins. I am not good at seeing where my thoughts lead until it's too late. I need a plan of attack, a way to say okay this is what I will do and what I won't. This is not the first time I have had such plans. I have had many rules I have given myself about this, but what happens? The rules are bent and then broken and then forgotten. They are replaced by the law of sin that is burned into my mind. The law of sin is never forgotten. It is not a rule or a ritual to be followed, it is a way of living.
I know I cannot stop masturbating. My therapist even told me that doing this would not be good. We are made for pleasure, withholding it would only bring unbelievable amounts of pain, stress, and basic unhappiness. I know God does call us to suffer, but is this the way he intended? Again, I am left in the dark and very discouraged on this issue because I have had that view many times before in the last ten years only to fail again and again. I have an entire notebook full of failed plans of stopping this, and it was all in vain, I do it still and often.
But does that mean I am resigned to allow sin to rule in my life? No! Again the distinctions here are critical. I have said before that the act alone of masturbation, under certain circumstances, is not sinful. I can even guess when these times are as I do not really feel guilty per se, only maybe a little tired. So there is a level or degree in which masturbation can be taken to a new level that is sin. I must rest my hope on this belief because I know masturbation can be managed if it is allowed in increments to satisfy physical urges. I know that the germ of another "plan" is looming on the horizon, but do I have a choice? If I blow today off as some lapse of spiritual judgment, what will come next? Who is to say that this will not happen again? I have been to xtube before, many times, and for some months after I tried Doors of Hope, I was able to stay off the site, but in the last three to four times I masturbated, pornography has creep back in ever so slowly.
I have to be on a constant patrol. I have to always be at watch. The door has been opened and it cannot be closed. I have been exposed, I have seen things that will always turn me on. So now I have to stay on guard. So what does that mean? What am I to do to be on guard and what exactly is it that I am trying to watch out for?
I think the solution to the knotted mess which is my sexual life, is for me to stop masturbating at the computer. When I am on my bed in the heat of my desires, I seek out to enhance them with my lust for seeing others in the same state while in the same gear I am in. I think that is why I am so addicted to the idea of seeing people getting addicted. It's that lack of control that I am falling into that seems so pleasurable. And why not do this with friends? This is very dangerous and deadly. I cannot be allowed to go there and indulge in Temple Priapus, masturbation clubs, or whatever the sites, groups, or addictive material may be. That is idolatry, pure and simple.
I have tried to block porn from my computer with limited success. I need to now do more work to block these sites once and for all. I know that in the heat of lust, I will regret this, but I have no self control then. The Bible is so clear on this issue. We are to run away from temptation and cut the strings that bind us to it. I must cut ties with that website and at least I can not go there. I also need once again (for the second time now) quit the masturbation group. What does this do but encourage me to do it more and view porn. This group serves no purpose. I can easily masturbate without being on it. Lastly, I do need to pray for God's deliverance from these sins on a daily basis. If I am going to be a Christian, I have to fight, I have to allow myself to be used, and He cannot use rotten seeds. This life is not about fulfilling every last pleasure imaginable. I went to a hedonism website once and was sickened at the darkness of it and how decidedly lost these people were. What I fail to understand is that without God, Jesus, my life is meaningless and has no value. I think that God wants to steal away these pleasures, but in the end He can provide me joys beyond any measure. I pray I can stay on the path to God and not take any more detours, as tempting as they may seen. The law of God is written on my heart, I know deep down when I am violating it. I pray now I can keep from seeking that which will destroy me.
UPDATE 12-06-08: I am shocked when I re-read this entry to see how I have basically been blinded by my own lust! Here I had a plan all along and what do I end up doing about two weeks later? I join the very groups and websites I spoke against! Does my righteous spirit have no memory? I know that this is the reason I persist in the same cycles is because I forget, I allow myself the pleasure and I indulge and explore indulge and explore until I discover I am addicted. My plan, if it is kept God willing, is to continue on with the manifesto I spoke of in the 12-6 entry, but I had to add this at my own self discovery that my convictions are so easily entangled in sin and distraction. You have one chink in the armor and the devil will exploit it until there is no armor left. May God forgive me for my weakness.
I think I am really being attacked here. I can see that this is evidenced by the course of events that led up to my most recent sins. I was doing just fine all day until I started feeling rather horny on the drive back home. I think this was triggered by my looking for a store that seems to no longer be in business anyways. Well I began to start to think about some sexy black nylon soccer shorts, something I find incredibly hot.
Well then I was thinking about an e-mail I got from one of my pro masturbation yahoo groups. It does not take much for me to get going, to begin to think about the cheap easy thrills. I wanted to find a website dedicated to those who are hard core masturbation addicts and watch or even partake in their decent into that addiction. I got home and was able to contain myself long enough to unpack the car of items, before I made a b-line to my closest and went ahead and put on a diaper (another fetish of mine). I am still in one now. Well then I go to try to see if there are any sites out there about diaper masturbation, pro-masturbation, etc., etc. Well I give up and go to the pit of depravity itself and view a video of two guys in MX gear having oral sex. I have hit a new low once again.
I even prayed beforehand for God to forgive my carnal carvings and then I put God out of my mind as I indulged and released my seed into a condom. I am not proud of any of this and this is why I am under a assumed name here. I do not want anyone to know my true identity. The truth of my life is x-rated and is sinful.
So what now? I am always left with that same question. Why do all the pleasurable things in life have to be off limits? Why are we called to so much suffering here on earth? Why has God left me with such weak will. When it comes to temptation I am a weakling and I seek and even take pleasure in knowing that there are others who are just as weak or even worse. I can see that those who do revel in this godless lifestyle of perpetual pleasures and depravities have indeed been so far from God and given over by Him to indulge in their sins. I am on the edge. I try to be righteous each day, read my prayers, be interested in God and reading the Bible. But I again and again find myself falling short, going back to the bad water, my comfortable and easy sin.
I will ask for forgiveness and I do want it and believe in Jesus and the grace that he gives, but I must break this sin cycle I am on. I first off MUST identity that what I am doing is sin, without question, and furthermore we as Christians are called to not sin. If I can at least bring myself to make that distinction, I at least know where the battle lines are drawn and where I ought to never go. I feel I have made that distinction, but I crave what I know I cannot have. I so often justify what I want to see as being okay. I think the problem is I need to learn how to run away from my sins. I am not good at seeing where my thoughts lead until it's too late. I need a plan of attack, a way to say okay this is what I will do and what I won't. This is not the first time I have had such plans. I have had many rules I have given myself about this, but what happens? The rules are bent and then broken and then forgotten. They are replaced by the law of sin that is burned into my mind. The law of sin is never forgotten. It is not a rule or a ritual to be followed, it is a way of living.
I know I cannot stop masturbating. My therapist even told me that doing this would not be good. We are made for pleasure, withholding it would only bring unbelievable amounts of pain, stress, and basic unhappiness. I know God does call us to suffer, but is this the way he intended? Again, I am left in the dark and very discouraged on this issue because I have had that view many times before in the last ten years only to fail again and again. I have an entire notebook full of failed plans of stopping this, and it was all in vain, I do it still and often.
But does that mean I am resigned to allow sin to rule in my life? No! Again the distinctions here are critical. I have said before that the act alone of masturbation, under certain circumstances, is not sinful. I can even guess when these times are as I do not really feel guilty per se, only maybe a little tired. So there is a level or degree in which masturbation can be taken to a new level that is sin. I must rest my hope on this belief because I know masturbation can be managed if it is allowed in increments to satisfy physical urges. I know that the germ of another "plan" is looming on the horizon, but do I have a choice? If I blow today off as some lapse of spiritual judgment, what will come next? Who is to say that this will not happen again? I have been to xtube before, many times, and for some months after I tried Doors of Hope, I was able to stay off the site, but in the last three to four times I masturbated, pornography has creep back in ever so slowly.
I have to be on a constant patrol. I have to always be at watch. The door has been opened and it cannot be closed. I have been exposed, I have seen things that will always turn me on. So now I have to stay on guard. So what does that mean? What am I to do to be on guard and what exactly is it that I am trying to watch out for?
I think the solution to the knotted mess which is my sexual life, is for me to stop masturbating at the computer. When I am on my bed in the heat of my desires, I seek out to enhance them with my lust for seeing others in the same state while in the same gear I am in. I think that is why I am so addicted to the idea of seeing people getting addicted. It's that lack of control that I am falling into that seems so pleasurable. And why not do this with friends? This is very dangerous and deadly. I cannot be allowed to go there and indulge in Temple Priapus, masturbation clubs, or whatever the sites, groups, or addictive material may be. That is idolatry, pure and simple.
I have tried to block porn from my computer with limited success. I need to now do more work to block these sites once and for all. I know that in the heat of lust, I will regret this, but I have no self control then. The Bible is so clear on this issue. We are to run away from temptation and cut the strings that bind us to it. I must cut ties with that website and at least I can not go there. I also need once again (for the second time now) quit the masturbation group. What does this do but encourage me to do it more and view porn. This group serves no purpose. I can easily masturbate without being on it. Lastly, I do need to pray for God's deliverance from these sins on a daily basis. If I am going to be a Christian, I have to fight, I have to allow myself to be used, and He cannot use rotten seeds. This life is not about fulfilling every last pleasure imaginable. I went to a hedonism website once and was sickened at the darkness of it and how decidedly lost these people were. What I fail to understand is that without God, Jesus, my life is meaningless and has no value. I think that God wants to steal away these pleasures, but in the end He can provide me joys beyond any measure. I pray I can stay on the path to God and not take any more detours, as tempting as they may seen. The law of God is written on my heart, I know deep down when I am violating it. I pray now I can keep from seeking that which will destroy me.
UPDATE 12-06-08: I am shocked when I re-read this entry to see how I have basically been blinded by my own lust! Here I had a plan all along and what do I end up doing about two weeks later? I join the very groups and websites I spoke against! Does my righteous spirit have no memory? I know that this is the reason I persist in the same cycles is because I forget, I allow myself the pleasure and I indulge and explore indulge and explore until I discover I am addicted. My plan, if it is kept God willing, is to continue on with the manifesto I spoke of in the 12-6 entry, but I had to add this at my own self discovery that my convictions are so easily entangled in sin and distraction. You have one chink in the armor and the devil will exploit it until there is no armor left. May God forgive me for my weakness.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Update on Work and Home Life
I am glad I get to spend some more time today journaling for there is a lot on which I need to update. I sat down just now at my computer with the idea that I would do good and work on updating my budget, but I know now I need to take some moments to update my journal blog. This is the medium by which I sort out my thoughts, fears, hopes, and future aspirations.
The most impacting thing that has occurred really is something that has been happening at work. I never journal about work, because so often it is not something worth reflecting on. I like what I do, but it is rarely in my thoughts. About two weeks ago now, or maybe a little more than that, I was led down the primrose path so to speak. I was given the charming new idea that I should solicit extra help from the Admin. Assistant for some of my lighter, administrative type duties. I was able to justify this based off of my work load in current planning and that I felt much of that could be transfered to a permit clerk type position. My goal for a long time has been to get out from under the weight of dealing with current planning. I thought this could be a solution that would work, at least on a trial basis, while I was working on getting some Code revisions made that had been off schedule since the other planner left.
Well what ended up happening was so much worse, the whole idea as it was, has backfired and I have instead ended up with a micro manager over me. My actual boss seems to be impotent when it comes to dealing with personnel issues. The worse part of this is I have new hard deadlines for when I can get all these projects done, that likely would not have been imposed so imperialistically had I just kept my head low. The dynamics of my work place are coercive. There is no place for creative ideas or suggestions, and all that leads to is other people who come in and try to fix your problems for you without an inkling of an idea what is needed to fix them. It's like asking your dentist to fix your toilet, it's just not going to be done right.
It seems that whenever I try to do anything to elevate my own position, I get stamped down by people who by the sheer luck of their own circumstances are in the power to do so. Are they more qualified? I don't think so, they just have earned some trust and have been given dangerous amounts of power. It's rather scary what is happening and what I am seeing. If my old boss was here, he would not believe how much has changed. My office manager lives in a spirit of fear. And I am ashamed to say that she often gets me to feel the same way. "Oh, if you do stay late you may get in trouble!" My freedoms are eroding because my boss seems to lack the ability to supervise and direct his own employees, because he also lives in the same spirit of fear. He is a nice man, very easy to get along with, but that is the problem, he is too eager to please everyone and this allows things to happen that simply are not right, this has been an issue for years. We had others in the past that didn't have this same fear, and I would dare say that I think they excelled. I tried to use the same boldness, by challenging false statements and accusations, but this seems to get me no where. I am under a lot of pressure and attention, much if not all is unneeded. I assumed, wrongly, that with staff leaving right and left, I would be able to justify my position, justify my need for clerical aide. But once again I have assumed wrongly.
They will help. I did win that battle, but never on the terms that I recommended. Now if this was not all bad enough, something else happened to make matter worse. Not only do I have this very strenuous deadline, I had about 80% of my files get deleted last Wednesday. What the heck is up with that? So I am dealing with the fallout of my office work for years on end being deleted into the vapor of cyberspace. It's a miracle I am taking this as well as I am considering all that has been thrown at me. What is even more painful about this is not just the data lose, it's the accusations being made behind closed doors and in secret places. I have no idea where this will lead, my guess is that nothing will come of it, but if sabotage is brought up to the CEO, I guarantee there will be hell to pay for all of us.
So where do I go from here? That is a great question! I think I have learned that first off I am working in a coercive work environment. That in this environment I must keep my head low in order to survive. Meaning that if I try to do anything that draws attention to myself or my work, it will end up with more attention and micro management and control. If I try to draw this out in the open, and rock the boat, it will only result in more meetings, more accusations, and more control and more wasted time without there being a positive result or outcome. That the best way for me to get out of this unscathed, if that is even a possibility at this point, is for me to give out the bear minimum about of information on what I am doing and for me to continue to meet or exceed deadlines. When there is nothing for them to use against me, I think they will realize that they have other more pressing issues at hand than to micro manage me. All I can do is what they ask of me, no more, no less.
Meanwhile, after I have busied myself with my Code writing delights, I will seek earnestly for new employment. I am in chains here, there is no freedom for me to even ask what I may do and it's getting to the point that I don't even have the power to think for myself what is even a good idea. The head CEO of where I work (I will not be as transparent on the inter web as I am in my own private journals, but that's the draw back of this medium) is a reacter. He reacts to things and makes decisions. He does not plan, organize, or provide any rational thought to issues, but rather applies arbitrary deadlines and solutions on the fly that may or may not work (whether they do or not is inconsequential, as long as the solution is pursued). He doesn't bother himself with the details, but expects results without even giving a thought what the human or financial costs are to attain them. If you try to being these up you get slapped with deadlines and solutions that are impractical or even borderline ridiculous. This is the power that I speak of and his power is given away to others who know even less of what is really happening. This configuration leaves no room for improvement. There seems to be nothing anyone can do. So now it is time for me to do what I need to do. Get out! Get Out Now!
I commit to looking at jobs and sending out letters are resumes at least once a week. I know its going to suck, but I don't care, as detailed so clearly above, there is nothing I can do, no room to grow, nothing to look forward to. I need air to breathe, I need to move on, it's time, its been time for a very long time now. Now I see so clearly why others would not work under him, I cannot imagine what it is like to deal with him on a daily basis.
I was going to journal some on my personal life. But time is passing me by and I don't have the time to go into this in great detail. All I can say now is that I have prayed about not doing Doors of Hope. I think I am going to be taking a break for some time, until I feel I have the need to go back into it. The course is drumming the same truths in me time and time again without me struggling with them anymore. It also takes about an hour to do everyday, and that time can be used better in other areas. I continue to grapple with masturbation, but I am under the strict rule of only doing it when I need to do it. I don't think that is any form of self gratification, if my body is needing it. I aim to do it less and less and so far I am meeting this goal. I just will not feed my lusts and I think I will be okay. I saw a counselor about this and I think he helped me get back on the right track. I'm sure my mentor will question my salvation and my sin, but honestly it's not any of his business. He only sees the world in black and white, there are no shades of gray.
-----------------------------------------out--------------------------------------
The most impacting thing that has occurred really is something that has been happening at work. I never journal about work, because so often it is not something worth reflecting on. I like what I do, but it is rarely in my thoughts. About two weeks ago now, or maybe a little more than that, I was led down the primrose path so to speak. I was given the charming new idea that I should solicit extra help from the Admin. Assistant for some of my lighter, administrative type duties. I was able to justify this based off of my work load in current planning and that I felt much of that could be transfered to a permit clerk type position. My goal for a long time has been to get out from under the weight of dealing with current planning. I thought this could be a solution that would work, at least on a trial basis, while I was working on getting some Code revisions made that had been off schedule since the other planner left.
Well what ended up happening was so much worse, the whole idea as it was, has backfired and I have instead ended up with a micro manager over me. My actual boss seems to be impotent when it comes to dealing with personnel issues. The worse part of this is I have new hard deadlines for when I can get all these projects done, that likely would not have been imposed so imperialistically had I just kept my head low. The dynamics of my work place are coercive. There is no place for creative ideas or suggestions, and all that leads to is other people who come in and try to fix your problems for you without an inkling of an idea what is needed to fix them. It's like asking your dentist to fix your toilet, it's just not going to be done right.
It seems that whenever I try to do anything to elevate my own position, I get stamped down by people who by the sheer luck of their own circumstances are in the power to do so. Are they more qualified? I don't think so, they just have earned some trust and have been given dangerous amounts of power. It's rather scary what is happening and what I am seeing. If my old boss was here, he would not believe how much has changed. My office manager lives in a spirit of fear. And I am ashamed to say that she often gets me to feel the same way. "Oh, if you do stay late you may get in trouble!" My freedoms are eroding because my boss seems to lack the ability to supervise and direct his own employees, because he also lives in the same spirit of fear. He is a nice man, very easy to get along with, but that is the problem, he is too eager to please everyone and this allows things to happen that simply are not right, this has been an issue for years. We had others in the past that didn't have this same fear, and I would dare say that I think they excelled. I tried to use the same boldness, by challenging false statements and accusations, but this seems to get me no where. I am under a lot of pressure and attention, much if not all is unneeded. I assumed, wrongly, that with staff leaving right and left, I would be able to justify my position, justify my need for clerical aide. But once again I have assumed wrongly.
They will help. I did win that battle, but never on the terms that I recommended. Now if this was not all bad enough, something else happened to make matter worse. Not only do I have this very strenuous deadline, I had about 80% of my files get deleted last Wednesday. What the heck is up with that? So I am dealing with the fallout of my office work for years on end being deleted into the vapor of cyberspace. It's a miracle I am taking this as well as I am considering all that has been thrown at me. What is even more painful about this is not just the data lose, it's the accusations being made behind closed doors and in secret places. I have no idea where this will lead, my guess is that nothing will come of it, but if sabotage is brought up to the CEO, I guarantee there will be hell to pay for all of us.
So where do I go from here? That is a great question! I think I have learned that first off I am working in a coercive work environment. That in this environment I must keep my head low in order to survive. Meaning that if I try to do anything that draws attention to myself or my work, it will end up with more attention and micro management and control. If I try to draw this out in the open, and rock the boat, it will only result in more meetings, more accusations, and more control and more wasted time without there being a positive result or outcome. That the best way for me to get out of this unscathed, if that is even a possibility at this point, is for me to give out the bear minimum about of information on what I am doing and for me to continue to meet or exceed deadlines. When there is nothing for them to use against me, I think they will realize that they have other more pressing issues at hand than to micro manage me. All I can do is what they ask of me, no more, no less.
Meanwhile, after I have busied myself with my Code writing delights, I will seek earnestly for new employment. I am in chains here, there is no freedom for me to even ask what I may do and it's getting to the point that I don't even have the power to think for myself what is even a good idea. The head CEO of where I work (I will not be as transparent on the inter web as I am in my own private journals, but that's the draw back of this medium) is a reacter. He reacts to things and makes decisions. He does not plan, organize, or provide any rational thought to issues, but rather applies arbitrary deadlines and solutions on the fly that may or may not work (whether they do or not is inconsequential, as long as the solution is pursued). He doesn't bother himself with the details, but expects results without even giving a thought what the human or financial costs are to attain them. If you try to being these up you get slapped with deadlines and solutions that are impractical or even borderline ridiculous. This is the power that I speak of and his power is given away to others who know even less of what is really happening. This configuration leaves no room for improvement. There seems to be nothing anyone can do. So now it is time for me to do what I need to do. Get out! Get Out Now!
I commit to looking at jobs and sending out letters are resumes at least once a week. I know its going to suck, but I don't care, as detailed so clearly above, there is nothing I can do, no room to grow, nothing to look forward to. I need air to breathe, I need to move on, it's time, its been time for a very long time now. Now I see so clearly why others would not work under him, I cannot imagine what it is like to deal with him on a daily basis.
I was going to journal some on my personal life. But time is passing me by and I don't have the time to go into this in great detail. All I can say now is that I have prayed about not doing Doors of Hope. I think I am going to be taking a break for some time, until I feel I have the need to go back into it. The course is drumming the same truths in me time and time again without me struggling with them anymore. It also takes about an hour to do everyday, and that time can be used better in other areas. I continue to grapple with masturbation, but I am under the strict rule of only doing it when I need to do it. I don't think that is any form of self gratification, if my body is needing it. I aim to do it less and less and so far I am meeting this goal. I just will not feed my lusts and I think I will be okay. I saw a counselor about this and I think he helped me get back on the right track. I'm sure my mentor will question my salvation and my sin, but honestly it's not any of his business. He only sees the world in black and white, there are no shades of gray.
-----------------------------------------out--------------------------------------
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Doors of Hope Course
So far I have completed eight sessions or days of the Doors of Hope Course from Setting Captives free.com. This is basically my next step after reading the book on my journey to overcome homosexuality and addiction to pornography. I have now come to a point in this process where I need to reevaluate where I am and what my objectives are. My issues with the course it that in order for them to be successful they must take a very ridged hard line approach to not only homosexuality, which would be obvious, but also fetishes and masturbation. When I signed up for the course my objective was not to stop all masturbation for the rest of my life. I have tried that and it did not work, my body simply needs to release every now and then apart from any thoughts I may have. It is a natural process that I personally see no harm in.
The rub comes in with my mentor who seems to think I need to take a more aggressive approach. This may be easy for him to mandate from his position, but I am pretty sure he has no idea what he is really asking me to do. That is why I need to stop for a moment and really evaluate what I think is right and go from there. I know that the point of the course and more generally of being a Christian is surrender to Christ and die to self. I agree with this, but there still needs to be discernment as to whose version of God are we surrendering to. I am sure the Mormons would have a very strict code I would need to follow if I went to them with my issues, but am I going to blindly follow their advise without checking it against scripture? I don't think so. There are so many false teachers out there, it is really scary. Just because someone says they are a Christian no longer holds any weight with me, there are so many supposed Christians who do not follow the truth or they twist it making less or even more restrictive than what God intended.
This is the crossroads that I am at right now. To what extent do I listen to what my mentor says and what is really the destination of where I need to go. In order to do this I will need to go back to my old journals and really read up on what I learned about a year ago when I was seeing Dr. Lampton. I had thought I had come to a point of validation and security, but now my position is being undermined by the precepts of this course I am taking. Therefore, more study is needed.
It is much later in the evening now, and I would like to try to work on the next day's lesson. I am not finished with this discussion and I look forward to getting a clearer direction on where I need to go in my life.
-----------------------------------------out----------------------------------------
The rub comes in with my mentor who seems to think I need to take a more aggressive approach. This may be easy for him to mandate from his position, but I am pretty sure he has no idea what he is really asking me to do. That is why I need to stop for a moment and really evaluate what I think is right and go from there. I know that the point of the course and more generally of being a Christian is surrender to Christ and die to self. I agree with this, but there still needs to be discernment as to whose version of God are we surrendering to. I am sure the Mormons would have a very strict code I would need to follow if I went to them with my issues, but am I going to blindly follow their advise without checking it against scripture? I don't think so. There are so many false teachers out there, it is really scary. Just because someone says they are a Christian no longer holds any weight with me, there are so many supposed Christians who do not follow the truth or they twist it making less or even more restrictive than what God intended.
This is the crossroads that I am at right now. To what extent do I listen to what my mentor says and what is really the destination of where I need to go. In order to do this I will need to go back to my old journals and really read up on what I learned about a year ago when I was seeing Dr. Lampton. I had thought I had come to a point of validation and security, but now my position is being undermined by the precepts of this course I am taking. Therefore, more study is needed.
It is much later in the evening now, and I would like to try to work on the next day's lesson. I am not finished with this discussion and I look forward to getting a clearer direction on where I need to go in my life.
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Sunday, July 13, 2008
My Review of the Devil Dog Road by Mr. Mo
I know it has been some time since my last entry in this blog and I have been wanting to wait to write until I could finish this book. I believe, if my memory serves me correctly, that I did touch on this in one of my past entries. The book is very crude and at times it is hard to read not only because it had so many grammatical errors, but also because it uses offensive language and explicit sexual descriptions. At times I was not sure if the book was helping me or further encouraging me to partake in carnal pleasures.
I have now finished the book and all in all I think I am pleased. The author was able to redeem himself, but not in the way I had expected. I kept thinking the book was going to be more practical in the actual steps one should take to overcome sexual addictions. There was one suggestion that he mentioned in how in order to overcome homosexual feelings the author would place a picture of a young man in a sexual pose on his bathroom sink so he could become desensitized to it. I am not sure if that would work, but I have to say it's an interesting idea. Other than that, I think the book really focuses on attitudes and the repetition of some core assertions, such as sin is unfaithfulness and that we ought to take a both/and rather than an either/or approach when it comes to masturbation.
I did rather enjoy his references to St. Thomas Aquinas' view on masturbation being a worse sin than even incest because it wastes God's seed. Well I disagree with that view and I understand that this is a predominately Roman Catholic teaching. We must remember that the Bible has no reference to masturbation as being a sin and the story of Onan is not a reference to masturbation, anyone who says so I think is misinterpreting the passage's context. I do agree, however, that it can be addictive and I see now why it can be self destructive. The book basically says that it a self centered act. It is taking a gift from God (which in this case is basically sex) and it breaking it into the core sensation only for the purpose of self-gratification. It is, by its nature, a selfish and sexually immature response to to our natural sexual urges.
I agree with this, but was really hoping to have more guidance as to what to do about it. The book does do this to some extent, however. There is an analogy of a traveler who takes the wrong map to a city he was visiting. Try as he might he could not find the right streets when using the wrong map. It is the same way with this behavior. It is not a matter of stopping it, that is not the point. We have to look deeper than that into why we need to in the first place. One act of masturbation, when taken alone, is not a big deal. It is the pattern of objectifying our sexuality into a irresponsible and immature way that is an issue. Sex is meant to be part of a bigger act of love with a partner, an act of intimacy and sharing of bodily fluids to create a new life. The irony of the Priapus cult is that they worshiped their cocks as the creator of life, while they never actually practiced a sexual act that would succeed in doing it! They are primarily gay. They worshiped the created not the creator, as the book has so aptly drove home.
I know now how evil these sex cults can be, I have seen yet more evidence that I believe God has given to me, indicating that in Old Testament times not only was there sexual intercourse as part of the Israelites and Canaanites worship of Baal, but so was infant sacrifice! This made me sick that in a way I have been engrossed in an offshoot of this when I was enthralled with the Priapus cult. I then also made the striking parallel that Christ was sacrificed too, except he had more pain and suffering and he was just as innocent as any babe that was killed. This from God's one and only son!
So where does this leave me? I think I have a better idea what I need to do. I have known it all along, but I think I needed to read it somewhere to reaffirm these truths. I need to change my focus and seek after finding fulfillment in reading the Scriptures more and allowing the Holy Spirit to enter into me and give me such life and security. I think I will start to slowly downsize my involvement in object worship with my fetishes, which has sprung up and flourished because I am not getting sexually fulfilled through a spouse. I don't think that throwing away anything or trying to go too extreme the other way will help matters any. There just needs to be a change in focus. When I have the physical desire to spill my seed, I will do so only as a means to bring relief. I do not think God's plan for my life is to jerk off as a nasty old man looking at porno. I don't want to be that. All sin is is unbelief; unbelief that God can handle my sexual urges, so I must put them into my own hands (literally).
God knows me inside and out. Psalm 139 beautifully depicts how God has always known me. He knows what I have done, how I have done it, and the ways I go about doing it. Surely, He can understand this struggle and offer me opportunities for help, healing and recovery. The first step is letting Him in an making it possible to change me.
I am regretful my position on this may mean I will lose some friends on line, as I have built up many that are very much addicted to their fetishes as I am. I hope that I can soon find other friends that will encourage me to stay on the path that I am on and not seek to pull me away. I know that my true friends will care about me and not only care about if I am in a fetish or not. My focus is not a worldly view. It is only God whom I serve and not created things. Created things are a gift, worship He who created them and gave them to us!
-----------------------------------------out------------------------------------
I have now finished the book and all in all I think I am pleased. The author was able to redeem himself, but not in the way I had expected. I kept thinking the book was going to be more practical in the actual steps one should take to overcome sexual addictions. There was one suggestion that he mentioned in how in order to overcome homosexual feelings the author would place a picture of a young man in a sexual pose on his bathroom sink so he could become desensitized to it. I am not sure if that would work, but I have to say it's an interesting idea. Other than that, I think the book really focuses on attitudes and the repetition of some core assertions, such as sin is unfaithfulness and that we ought to take a both/and rather than an either/or approach when it comes to masturbation.
I did rather enjoy his references to St. Thomas Aquinas' view on masturbation being a worse sin than even incest because it wastes God's seed. Well I disagree with that view and I understand that this is a predominately Roman Catholic teaching. We must remember that the Bible has no reference to masturbation as being a sin and the story of Onan is not a reference to masturbation, anyone who says so I think is misinterpreting the passage's context. I do agree, however, that it can be addictive and I see now why it can be self destructive. The book basically says that it a self centered act. It is taking a gift from God (which in this case is basically sex) and it breaking it into the core sensation only for the purpose of self-gratification. It is, by its nature, a selfish and sexually immature response to to our natural sexual urges.
I agree with this, but was really hoping to have more guidance as to what to do about it. The book does do this to some extent, however. There is an analogy of a traveler who takes the wrong map to a city he was visiting. Try as he might he could not find the right streets when using the wrong map. It is the same way with this behavior. It is not a matter of stopping it, that is not the point. We have to look deeper than that into why we need to in the first place. One act of masturbation, when taken alone, is not a big deal. It is the pattern of objectifying our sexuality into a irresponsible and immature way that is an issue. Sex is meant to be part of a bigger act of love with a partner, an act of intimacy and sharing of bodily fluids to create a new life. The irony of the Priapus cult is that they worshiped their cocks as the creator of life, while they never actually practiced a sexual act that would succeed in doing it! They are primarily gay. They worshiped the created not the creator, as the book has so aptly drove home.
I know now how evil these sex cults can be, I have seen yet more evidence that I believe God has given to me, indicating that in Old Testament times not only was there sexual intercourse as part of the Israelites and Canaanites worship of Baal, but so was infant sacrifice! This made me sick that in a way I have been engrossed in an offshoot of this when I was enthralled with the Priapus cult. I then also made the striking parallel that Christ was sacrificed too, except he had more pain and suffering and he was just as innocent as any babe that was killed. This from God's one and only son!
So where does this leave me? I think I have a better idea what I need to do. I have known it all along, but I think I needed to read it somewhere to reaffirm these truths. I need to change my focus and seek after finding fulfillment in reading the Scriptures more and allowing the Holy Spirit to enter into me and give me such life and security. I think I will start to slowly downsize my involvement in object worship with my fetishes, which has sprung up and flourished because I am not getting sexually fulfilled through a spouse. I don't think that throwing away anything or trying to go too extreme the other way will help matters any. There just needs to be a change in focus. When I have the physical desire to spill my seed, I will do so only as a means to bring relief. I do not think God's plan for my life is to jerk off as a nasty old man looking at porno. I don't want to be that. All sin is is unbelief; unbelief that God can handle my sexual urges, so I must put them into my own hands (literally).
God knows me inside and out. Psalm 139 beautifully depicts how God has always known me. He knows what I have done, how I have done it, and the ways I go about doing it. Surely, He can understand this struggle and offer me opportunities for help, healing and recovery. The first step is letting Him in an making it possible to change me.
I am regretful my position on this may mean I will lose some friends on line, as I have built up many that are very much addicted to their fetishes as I am. I hope that I can soon find other friends that will encourage me to stay on the path that I am on and not seek to pull me away. I know that my true friends will care about me and not only care about if I am in a fetish or not. My focus is not a worldly view. It is only God whom I serve and not created things. Created things are a gift, worship He who created them and gave them to us!
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Tuesday, July 8, 2008
St. Priapus Church
I am continually in this spiritual struggle as I wrestle with my personal demons. I have just only masturbated again, I fear I was drawn to something much worse than even lust, something that is down right heresy against the church. Why is it that I am so prone to turn the gifts God into sin? Here is what happened. Yesterday I decided for some odd reason to check one of my Yahoo groups called OnaniaSupport2. It is basically a group that supports chronic masturbation. I joined it a few months back because I was in this crazy phase where I was into the idea of becoming addicted to masturbation. This again goes back to my desire to wear diapers as a dependency. Addiction for me is seen as a turn on because I am under its control and losing control is fun. Lose of control indicates a lose of responsibility and in that there is a weird kind of freedom to do whatever the heck I want. Sexually I perceive responsibility as being restrained and that kills my lusts for pleasure.
So today I went onto the support group to just see what was being said and whatnot. I noticed that a guy posed about St. Priapus Church. I was of course immediately intrigued to see what this was. Well it is a real church, but calling it a church is rather like calling a Clu Clux Clan an ACLU tolerance group. This group is committing such heresies and blasphemy against God I shiver to think what will happen to those who are members. It's not that they are only sinning, they are doing this is a institutionalized quasi religious fashion, creating rules that force members to over indulge in sin and becoming chronically addicted to auto eroticism. I think its similar to holding AA meeting in a bar with free drinks on the house and then being told they had to drink to continue the program. Their supposed enlightenment is a web of rules to bring about slavery to their sex drives. This sex cult requires that you wear no clothes and basically engage in homosexual group ogres and members partake in what they sacrilegiously refer to as "communion", basically eating the sacred cum of others. They rejoice at feeding their lusts for one another and their selves, grossly perverting what God intended for good for their hedonistic self worship and drunken pleasures.
Here is where I am now. I am drawn to this evil. I am. It turns me on big time. I have been horny all day since I have run across their sight, fantasying about one of their ritualistic cock worship services. Seeing that these people pay homage to the organ that brings about such release and pleasure was too much to resist. It goes against every Christian belief there is and they even admit it in their evil creed. Saying they oppose Jesus' calling lust wrong. They might as well be worshiping Satan. So what did I do? I was horny and had a hard on as soon as I walked into the door. I left the computer on to the church's website. I had already seen signs all day that this group was evil, seeing the number "666" on two different random occasions, how often does that happen? But do I heed the call God was telling me? No. I insist on reading more about this pagan cult. My imagination and fantasies are running wild. I am even given an out at the last minute, I change into some horny sweats and I get my lotions out of my bedroom and take it to the computer room to engage in masturbatory worship and then the doorbell rings. My Bible teacher is there to give me information about the Greek word for homosexuality! How random was that? I had asked him on Sunday about it and he choose to come at that exact moment, seconds before I was to enter into this.
He leaves and I feel guilty. I have to go to the bathroom, but instead of peeing the normal way I use a diaper which turns me on. I justify it as being ok because it is a diaper not homosexual sex. I return to my computer room and see it all waiting for me. The temptation is too hard to resist and I begin to jerk off while reading about the history of the cult and their practices. I cum when I read the second part of their idolatry cock prayer. I feel VERY guilty and close the site without bookmarking it and begin to reflect on this and this is where I am now.
I have a clear head now about this because I am not horny. I think the issue here is my inner most desire to be dedicated to masturbation addiction and homosexual group sex, especially getting a blow job. This group is the first I have seen that practices this in a structured manner in the same fashion as religion. A church that requires you to get blow jobs and to jerk off in their services! That makes me horny to no end. It is just the idea of that making a sacred practice of honoring God into a practices of worshiping a created gift of God, our penises and what they can do for us. It is self love to the Nth degree, it is self destructive and so clearly leads to hell if members do not repent of this lifestyle and blasphemy.
I happened to read some of Romans last night. Romans 1:24-27. "Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen. 26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion." Does that not describe this "church"? And what have I done? I have allowed once again the flames of my lusts to consume me and my penis is the center of everything, deciding what I do, controlling me rather that I it. I will pray very long about this and hope I can address the root problem as to why I am drawn to this kind of control and pleasure. I know God wants me to enjoy my body, He made it! But I need to learn, with the help of the Holy Spirit, how to satisfy my personal needs without inflaming lust and attraction to sacrilege. May God have mercy on my poor soul. I am a sinner, but I know I am coved by Grace. Praise be to God!
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So today I went onto the support group to just see what was being said and whatnot. I noticed that a guy posed about St. Priapus Church. I was of course immediately intrigued to see what this was. Well it is a real church, but calling it a church is rather like calling a Clu Clux Clan an ACLU tolerance group. This group is committing such heresies and blasphemy against God I shiver to think what will happen to those who are members. It's not that they are only sinning, they are doing this is a institutionalized quasi religious fashion, creating rules that force members to over indulge in sin and becoming chronically addicted to auto eroticism. I think its similar to holding AA meeting in a bar with free drinks on the house and then being told they had to drink to continue the program. Their supposed enlightenment is a web of rules to bring about slavery to their sex drives. This sex cult requires that you wear no clothes and basically engage in homosexual group ogres and members partake in what they sacrilegiously refer to as "communion", basically eating the sacred cum of others. They rejoice at feeding their lusts for one another and their selves, grossly perverting what God intended for good for their hedonistic self worship and drunken pleasures.
Here is where I am now. I am drawn to this evil. I am. It turns me on big time. I have been horny all day since I have run across their sight, fantasying about one of their ritualistic cock worship services. Seeing that these people pay homage to the organ that brings about such release and pleasure was too much to resist. It goes against every Christian belief there is and they even admit it in their evil creed. Saying they oppose Jesus' calling lust wrong. They might as well be worshiping Satan. So what did I do? I was horny and had a hard on as soon as I walked into the door. I left the computer on to the church's website. I had already seen signs all day that this group was evil, seeing the number "666" on two different random occasions, how often does that happen? But do I heed the call God was telling me? No. I insist on reading more about this pagan cult. My imagination and fantasies are running wild. I am even given an out at the last minute, I change into some horny sweats and I get my lotions out of my bedroom and take it to the computer room to engage in masturbatory worship and then the doorbell rings. My Bible teacher is there to give me information about the Greek word for homosexuality! How random was that? I had asked him on Sunday about it and he choose to come at that exact moment, seconds before I was to enter into this.
He leaves and I feel guilty. I have to go to the bathroom, but instead of peeing the normal way I use a diaper which turns me on. I justify it as being ok because it is a diaper not homosexual sex. I return to my computer room and see it all waiting for me. The temptation is too hard to resist and I begin to jerk off while reading about the history of the cult and their practices. I cum when I read the second part of their idolatry cock prayer. I feel VERY guilty and close the site without bookmarking it and begin to reflect on this and this is where I am now.
I have a clear head now about this because I am not horny. I think the issue here is my inner most desire to be dedicated to masturbation addiction and homosexual group sex, especially getting a blow job. This group is the first I have seen that practices this in a structured manner in the same fashion as religion. A church that requires you to get blow jobs and to jerk off in their services! That makes me horny to no end. It is just the idea of that making a sacred practice of honoring God into a practices of worshiping a created gift of God, our penises and what they can do for us. It is self love to the Nth degree, it is self destructive and so clearly leads to hell if members do not repent of this lifestyle and blasphemy.
I happened to read some of Romans last night. Romans 1:24-27. "Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen. 26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion." Does that not describe this "church"? And what have I done? I have allowed once again the flames of my lusts to consume me and my penis is the center of everything, deciding what I do, controlling me rather that I it. I will pray very long about this and hope I can address the root problem as to why I am drawn to this kind of control and pleasure. I know God wants me to enjoy my body, He made it! But I need to learn, with the help of the Holy Spirit, how to satisfy my personal needs without inflaming lust and attraction to sacrilege. May God have mercy on my poor soul. I am a sinner, but I know I am coved by Grace. Praise be to God!
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Saturday, July 5, 2008
Gardening day plus sweat
I have just spent the last 6 hours working on my yard, mowing, weed eating, blowing, edging, dealing with moles, weeding the flower beds, and lastly the dreadful cleaning out of the shed, which has never been done in about four years. I think it was the last task on the day of work that did me in physically. I had dust on and in me, bugs everywhere including a mouse that made me shriek twice (that was fun!). I still need to replant one of my flower pots and deal with some boxes, but not until after I take a bit of a break, which is what I am doing now.
I have been reading more of the Devil Dog Road by Mr. Mo and I must admit I had no idea books of such low literary quality could be published. It is so bad I think I will write the publisher and tell them that it needs some serious revisions. There are grammar and spelling mistakes worse than in one of my stories and this is in a published book! I know I make mistakes too, but I would have figured a decent editor would have caught these. I wondering if he even had an editor. I must admit that the poor quality makes it a little distracting to read. As far as the content, however, it seem a bit ragged but interesting. It is a book from a secular perspective. I can tell that this guy is not an Evangelical by any stretch, but that is ok. He seems to have some faith from his Catholic background and I am curious to see where his story leads and how he will ultimate fall into and overcome masturbation and pornography addictions. His story is not at all like my own, but there is a level of realism to it that I find intriguingly.
I have started the other book, but I am not as interested in that one at this point. I think I will read it when I finish the one I have now. I have masturbated again, but not at the computer, so that is a good sign. This it for now!
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I have been reading more of the Devil Dog Road by Mr. Mo and I must admit I had no idea books of such low literary quality could be published. It is so bad I think I will write the publisher and tell them that it needs some serious revisions. There are grammar and spelling mistakes worse than in one of my stories and this is in a published book! I know I make mistakes too, but I would have figured a decent editor would have caught these. I wondering if he even had an editor. I must admit that the poor quality makes it a little distracting to read. As far as the content, however, it seem a bit ragged but interesting. It is a book from a secular perspective. I can tell that this guy is not an Evangelical by any stretch, but that is ok. He seems to have some faith from his Catholic background and I am curious to see where his story leads and how he will ultimate fall into and overcome masturbation and pornography addictions. His story is not at all like my own, but there is a level of realism to it that I find intriguingly.
I have started the other book, but I am not as interested in that one at this point. I think I will read it when I finish the one I have now. I have masturbated again, but not at the computer, so that is a good sign. This it for now!
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Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Fleas!
So I have good news and bad news. The good news is that my cat is fine and the scare I had was not warranted (thanks goodness!). The bad news, as silly as this sounds, is that my house is infested with fleas. Having a cat is a blessing, but it does come with a cost. So far I have bombed my house twice and I am spraying the cat and he has flea meds and a collar. I am not sure what else I can do. I bombed the house today and already I have had two craw on me in different rooms. I need to bathe the cat I think (which he will really hate) and also do something with the carpets to eliminate this issue. Anyways that is on my mind now, as boring as that is.
Now onto some new things. I got the books yesterday and today and I have already begun reading both. I must admit that neither of them are exactly what I expected, but I do think they will be helpful. I am amazed already that after reading the book on overcoming sexual addictions and pornography I was made sort of horny by it, but not that kind that you have an instant hard on, but that lingering kind that gives you just this unrelenting urge to do it. I was on line and saw some pictures of shoes (no penises) and that also kind of got me going. I decided to let loose and jerk off while I was in my bedroom with the cat watching, very awkward!
Well the alarming thing about this session was I could not climax or cum after rubbing for a good 5 minutes. I have not cummed for about two days or so, so I should have no problem. I have noticed that my ability to do it is decreasing and has been for about the last year. I am not sure what is causing this, middle age, too much masturbation? What was even more scary, and a true confirmation of the addicted state I am in, was that I was tempted to just log back onto xtube to get that edge back so I can reach organism. Thankfully, I have not done that. I want to just keep holding back and eventually if I need to bad enough, I will ejaculate without a problem. The point is I need to start training myself to not rely on xtube or other pictures to make me organism. This is hard and rather frustrating because the videos have a power to just get the job done and are very enjoyable to watch and jerk to. I just need to break myself of that desire to see others jerk off or get sucked off.
I don't think I am nearly as far gone as some people addicted to this, so I am thankful for that. Nonetheless, I know I have a long road ahead of me as I attempt to regress my addictive progression to levels that are acceptable. Now I need to work on balancing my checking account!
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Now onto some new things. I got the books yesterday and today and I have already begun reading both. I must admit that neither of them are exactly what I expected, but I do think they will be helpful. I am amazed already that after reading the book on overcoming sexual addictions and pornography I was made sort of horny by it, but not that kind that you have an instant hard on, but that lingering kind that gives you just this unrelenting urge to do it. I was on line and saw some pictures of shoes (no penises) and that also kind of got me going. I decided to let loose and jerk off while I was in my bedroom with the cat watching, very awkward!
Well the alarming thing about this session was I could not climax or cum after rubbing for a good 5 minutes. I have not cummed for about two days or so, so I should have no problem. I have noticed that my ability to do it is decreasing and has been for about the last year. I am not sure what is causing this, middle age, too much masturbation? What was even more scary, and a true confirmation of the addicted state I am in, was that I was tempted to just log back onto xtube to get that edge back so I can reach organism. Thankfully, I have not done that. I want to just keep holding back and eventually if I need to bad enough, I will ejaculate without a problem. The point is I need to start training myself to not rely on xtube or other pictures to make me organism. This is hard and rather frustrating because the videos have a power to just get the job done and are very enjoyable to watch and jerk to. I just need to break myself of that desire to see others jerk off or get sucked off.
I don't think I am nearly as far gone as some people addicted to this, so I am thankful for that. Nonetheless, I know I have a long road ahead of me as I attempt to regress my addictive progression to levels that are acceptable. Now I need to work on balancing my checking account!
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Sunday, June 29, 2008
Worrisome News
I need to take a step back now and speak of some worrisome news that seems to have happened regarding my cat, Bo. Yesterday I found him lying in the garden flower beds, in the rain. I spotted him there some 24 hours earlier, he had not moved in all that time. I immediately brought him inside and tried to get him to eat and what made me even more concerned, he seemed uninterested. So I called the vet and took him there yesterday afternoon when I was suppose to have been working on cleaning out my shed. The vet said it looked liked he had contracted Cytauxzoon felis, or feline bobcat tick disease. What he said was almost all cases are fatal. I am hoping that he may be wrong and that Bo has something else, but if he indeed has it, it is a 99% mortality rate. I have prayed that God might do a miracle and spare him, he is only three years old.
Bo has been a big part of my life. He has been sort of a constant companion. Always looked for some attention or some love from me. You don't really know how much an animal may mean to you until after he is gone, it's hard to loose a pet. I know I might not loose him, but if he has contracted Bobcat's disease there is little hope I will see him alive again. I pray that this is not the case. I had Bo since he was a little kitten, if he dies all of his litter would have perished. He had a sister, Ashley, who disappeared without a trace years ago and still I have no clue whatever happened to her. All the other pretty much were killed by dogs or accidents (they were not mine). I keep my cats as outdoor cats and I can see the risk I have in doing that. Cobbatha, my childhood cat, died most likely from being hit by a car.
I think if Bo does die, I will be very vigilant in how I treat my animals in the future and get Front Line right away, despite the costs. I had no idea tick bites could be so fatal, now I know...I will keep this blog posted on this. I rather not get into the other issues I am dealing with right now. That will come in time.
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Bo has been a big part of my life. He has been sort of a constant companion. Always looked for some attention or some love from me. You don't really know how much an animal may mean to you until after he is gone, it's hard to loose a pet. I know I might not loose him, but if he has contracted Bobcat's disease there is little hope I will see him alive again. I pray that this is not the case. I had Bo since he was a little kitten, if he dies all of his litter would have perished. He had a sister, Ashley, who disappeared without a trace years ago and still I have no clue whatever happened to her. All the other pretty much were killed by dogs or accidents (they were not mine). I keep my cats as outdoor cats and I can see the risk I have in doing that. Cobbatha, my childhood cat, died most likely from being hit by a car.
I think if Bo does die, I will be very vigilant in how I treat my animals in the future and get Front Line right away, despite the costs. I had no idea tick bites could be so fatal, now I know...I will keep this blog posted on this. I rather not get into the other issues I am dealing with right now. That will come in time.
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Saturday, June 28, 2008
Why simple things have to be so hard?
Ok, I know I don't normally do this. I don't write a huge journal entry, just to turn around and write yet another one an hour later. But I am frustrated to no end here. All I wanted to do is block one website, xtube, and I cannot do it. It seems I need to get on to the XP DOS Command Window, but I have searched my system and I cannot find it. Firefox does not allow the ability to block one site and I am not wanting to get a third party software solution that I must pay a subscription for to do this. Not only would I need to pay money for it, I would be losing many sites that I do not find objectionable, but they may. Gearfetish.com or Aby.com to name a few, those are not hard core porn sites, but they certainly have adult content on them. I need to wait until my techy friend is on line so I can ask him how to get into the DOS Command window. I have the code I need to insert, I just need into the system! I'll post when it's done and over with, for now I still have access to free porn, :(
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On the road to recovery
I know I have been starting every entry the same way, but I cannot get over how convenient and fun it is to blog. Not only am I able to get away from finding a journal, the right pen, etc. I can type, which for me is faster and much easier to read. There is a nice quality to an old fashioned hand written journal, but in the digital age I am eager to use this medium to express my thoughts.
In addition, I am also excited and nervous at the same time to know that these words will no longer be my own as they have been in the last ten plus years of my hand written journals. Already I have given a link to this blog to one of my new on-line friends and that has spurred some interesting conversations. My life, and all my thoughts about it, are now able to be read and understood by others. In a way this gives me a great hope and excitement that others can know exactly how I feel, but on the other side of the coin I know that I am opening up my life for criticism and exposure of my inner most thoughts and desires. Despite this transparency, I am determined to carry on with this and write down how I am feeling. I have no intension of letting people know about this blog, so in that sense it is private and those that have access must appreciate that this is my private journal and is not censored for public acceptance.
My journal has been and will continue to be the medium in which I work things out. Hence the name of this blog. For me it is a true testing ground of thoughts and personal evolution. I can think of no better time than to give this a fresh start than right now. I am going on a journey to reconcile some wrongs I have allowed myself to get myself into. I identified six problems with my life in my final hand written journal entry on June 20, 2008. Today I am addressing two of my six problems. #4 Viewing pornography and #5 Compulsive addictions. I have hope that I can and will change to solve these and other issues I have through the power of God in my life.
Warning. If you are reading this and are offended by sexual content, please stop reading this blog now:
So last night after watching some of Brokeback Mountain, it was on Bravo, I went to bed and I was kind of horny. I looked at my football pants and I decided I had to get them on. They are Vegas gold football pants with some nice pads on them. They really looked quite sexy to me and I really felt like a jock who has lost all control of himself and has no choice but to start masturbating in them. The sad part of all of this is that after masturbating a little bit in them, I kept getting thoughts that I wanted to see this on line, that I "needed" to get onto xtube to see guys in football gear messing around in a locker room. I did it, got on my Bledsoe Football jersey and some Nike cleats and fired up the computer. I ended up looking at some videos of guys getting some blow jobs and then a guy masturbating in soccer shorts. I ejaculated on my nylon Reeboks.
Today is the aftermath. Now I am dealing with all of this and I am coming to grips that I am addicted to pornography. I see that I need to get onto xtube for that edge that little bit of eye candy and stimulus needed to push me over into orgasm. As I was doing it last night I knew I was addicted, I knew I was doing what I have said I should not do. Now I am debating taking a drastic measure. I have read on line on pureline.com that there are solutions out there for this issue that Christian guys like me are dealing with. There is actually a work shop that they offer for 30 days to purity, but sadly is costs $180 dollars to do it! I was shocked that it would be so high. I am wondering if I can try to take matters into my own hands.
I know now that I have the power of mind to say without a doubt that pornography, especially gay pornography, is wrong to watch. I reaffirmed my views on homosexuality by re-reading some things, and although there are some gray areas there in the translations, I am certain that what I am watching is lust, fornication, and sexual immorality. I cannot see it being more clear than that. So I am thinking rather than spend the $180 dollars, I just block access to the source, xtube has to go. I have already deleted my account on there once and in a moment of weakness I went ahead and made a new one. To my knowledge no one has added me as a friend on the new account, but I did have some friends on the old one. Simply deleting accounts does nothing because this site is made so anyone can access free porn with a click of the mouse. So I am considering going to the MS host file on my machine and blocking it there. I read on line how to do it using DOS. This will stop access through MS Explore and Firefox.
I know this is a drastic action, but I need to force myself off of that site, there is nothing wholesome or good that can be found on there, so why let is be there for temptation? I know I lack the will power late at night to stop, in order to get off of drugs you have to not have access to them, simply saying you won't is not good enough. I will also pray about this and I eagerly look forward to reading my books when they come about overcoming homosexuality and sexual addictions. This is a bold move, but I think it's time I stand up for myself and take some action against Satan and his schemes to entrap me. I know I will regret this, my body wants those chemicals released in my brain that indicate euphoria, but I am in the trenches here and I need to get out, this is not healthy. In time my body and sexuality will be turned on again by just looking at my gear and playing in that, I hope that will be the case soon.
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In addition, I am also excited and nervous at the same time to know that these words will no longer be my own as they have been in the last ten plus years of my hand written journals. Already I have given a link to this blog to one of my new on-line friends and that has spurred some interesting conversations. My life, and all my thoughts about it, are now able to be read and understood by others. In a way this gives me a great hope and excitement that others can know exactly how I feel, but on the other side of the coin I know that I am opening up my life for criticism and exposure of my inner most thoughts and desires. Despite this transparency, I am determined to carry on with this and write down how I am feeling. I have no intension of letting people know about this blog, so in that sense it is private and those that have access must appreciate that this is my private journal and is not censored for public acceptance.
My journal has been and will continue to be the medium in which I work things out. Hence the name of this blog. For me it is a true testing ground of thoughts and personal evolution. I can think of no better time than to give this a fresh start than right now. I am going on a journey to reconcile some wrongs I have allowed myself to get myself into. I identified six problems with my life in my final hand written journal entry on June 20, 2008. Today I am addressing two of my six problems. #4 Viewing pornography and #5 Compulsive addictions. I have hope that I can and will change to solve these and other issues I have through the power of God in my life.
Warning. If you are reading this and are offended by sexual content, please stop reading this blog now:
So last night after watching some of Brokeback Mountain, it was on Bravo, I went to bed and I was kind of horny. I looked at my football pants and I decided I had to get them on. They are Vegas gold football pants with some nice pads on them. They really looked quite sexy to me and I really felt like a jock who has lost all control of himself and has no choice but to start masturbating in them. The sad part of all of this is that after masturbating a little bit in them, I kept getting thoughts that I wanted to see this on line, that I "needed" to get onto xtube to see guys in football gear messing around in a locker room. I did it, got on my Bledsoe Football jersey and some Nike cleats and fired up the computer. I ended up looking at some videos of guys getting some blow jobs and then a guy masturbating in soccer shorts. I ejaculated on my nylon Reeboks.
Today is the aftermath. Now I am dealing with all of this and I am coming to grips that I am addicted to pornography. I see that I need to get onto xtube for that edge that little bit of eye candy and stimulus needed to push me over into orgasm. As I was doing it last night I knew I was addicted, I knew I was doing what I have said I should not do. Now I am debating taking a drastic measure. I have read on line on pureline.com that there are solutions out there for this issue that Christian guys like me are dealing with. There is actually a work shop that they offer for 30 days to purity, but sadly is costs $180 dollars to do it! I was shocked that it would be so high. I am wondering if I can try to take matters into my own hands.
I know now that I have the power of mind to say without a doubt that pornography, especially gay pornography, is wrong to watch. I reaffirmed my views on homosexuality by re-reading some things, and although there are some gray areas there in the translations, I am certain that what I am watching is lust, fornication, and sexual immorality. I cannot see it being more clear than that. So I am thinking rather than spend the $180 dollars, I just block access to the source, xtube has to go. I have already deleted my account on there once and in a moment of weakness I went ahead and made a new one. To my knowledge no one has added me as a friend on the new account, but I did have some friends on the old one. Simply deleting accounts does nothing because this site is made so anyone can access free porn with a click of the mouse. So I am considering going to the MS host file on my machine and blocking it there. I read on line how to do it using DOS. This will stop access through MS Explore and Firefox.
I know this is a drastic action, but I need to force myself off of that site, there is nothing wholesome or good that can be found on there, so why let is be there for temptation? I know I lack the will power late at night to stop, in order to get off of drugs you have to not have access to them, simply saying you won't is not good enough. I will also pray about this and I eagerly look forward to reading my books when they come about overcoming homosexuality and sexual addictions. This is a bold move, but I think it's time I stand up for myself and take some action against Satan and his schemes to entrap me. I know I will regret this, my body wants those chemicals released in my brain that indicate euphoria, but I am in the trenches here and I need to get out, this is not healthy. In time my body and sexuality will be turned on again by just looking at my gear and playing in that, I hope that will be the case soon.
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Friday, June 27, 2008
Settling In
So now another day has past and I am still excited about this blog. It's strange that I should be, but it is such a different medium than the old cursive hand I used in my paper journals. I feel so much more willing to jump right in an report on how I feel. It will take a lot of courage for me to share this to people I know. So far I have only told one person about this blog and to him I haven't even told him what to look under, he hasn't asked yet. I think I want to keep things that way for now. You see with a journal I like the complete freedom of expression to share my true thoughts. It would be too embarrassing to allow my friends and family to read this.
So for now the only person who will read these words is me. I am pretty sure no one else is reading this, there have been no comments made so far from any casual readers, then again it's only been a day since I set this up. Maybe in a week or a month I will have some feedback. It would be interesting and also rather scary what random people would think. But in a way sort of fun. My life being so transparent to perfect strangers.
So what am I up to now? Well I have the afternoon off from work which, I must say, is quite a relief for me. I had a late lunch and then watched the rest of of BBC mystery on Masterpiece Theater. Then I wasted about a half hour of sacred time vegging on the couch and flipping channels. TV has this way of sucking energy and life from you I find. So then I was determined to do something productive. So I tended to some of my plants and now I am sitting down to work. I have so much to do at home all the time, but I so seldom accomplish much. I have a strong work ethic and I find my lack of work at home one of the six problems I have. I am realizing with only some discipline can I actually implement my work targets and plans.
I hope to work on some financial stuff after I get off of here and then maybe some long term projects. My primary goal this weekend is to maybe go on a bike ride and to clean out my shed, which is badly needed. I also was able to buy two books from Amazon finally!! I think these books will really help me with working out my sexual/ relationship issues. One is on overcoming homosexuality and the other is on overcoming sexual addictions. Sadly, I think I have much to learn and gain from both of these books. That's it for now.
-------------Out----------------
So for now the only person who will read these words is me. I am pretty sure no one else is reading this, there have been no comments made so far from any casual readers, then again it's only been a day since I set this up. Maybe in a week or a month I will have some feedback. It would be interesting and also rather scary what random people would think. But in a way sort of fun. My life being so transparent to perfect strangers.
So what am I up to now? Well I have the afternoon off from work which, I must say, is quite a relief for me. I had a late lunch and then watched the rest of of BBC mystery on Masterpiece Theater. Then I wasted about a half hour of sacred time vegging on the couch and flipping channels. TV has this way of sucking energy and life from you I find. So then I was determined to do something productive. So I tended to some of my plants and now I am sitting down to work. I have so much to do at home all the time, but I so seldom accomplish much. I have a strong work ethic and I find my lack of work at home one of the six problems I have. I am realizing with only some discipline can I actually implement my work targets and plans.
I hope to work on some financial stuff after I get off of here and then maybe some long term projects. My primary goal this weekend is to maybe go on a bike ride and to clean out my shed, which is badly needed. I also was able to buy two books from Amazon finally!! I think these books will really help me with working out my sexual/ relationship issues. One is on overcoming homosexuality and the other is on overcoming sexual addictions. Sadly, I think I have much to learn and gain from both of these books. That's it for now.
-------------Out----------------
Thursday, June 26, 2008
My First Blog
This is my first serious blog. I am excited about this. I have been journaling in notebooks for many years and now I get to do this digitally. This will be my private on-line journal. Since it is private the name I use is false. I am not wanting anyone, unless I say it is okay, to read this. Obviously people who do not know me and who just like to read random blogs of people in distress are welcome to peruse my thoughts.
This journal will be raw, it will be my bear bone feelings about my life and what I need to do about it. I am excited because this is a fresh new start for me and an opportunity for me to really work through some of the issues that I am dealing with right now. I am not sure where to begin, so I will just address the things that are on my mind and go from there. I find so often that if I just put my thoughts, feelings, aspirations, and disappointments on paper, or in this case in blog form, I can begin to process what I need to.
So what am I dealing with? Well I am a suffering fetishist. I live two lives, a public life where I deal with a stressful job and try to keep my sanity while doing it, and then I go home to my fetishes and TV. I have tried to learn what to do, how to process this and grow. I am stuck, stuck in my life that is going no where. My career is stable and promising, but apart from my accomplishments, I have had no lasting relationships. I have gone onto eHarmony.com and met girls, but the relationships have gone no where. I lack the zeal, the desire to be with them, to take the plunge and date a girl. I lack this because sexually I lean towards my fetishes and sadly towards other guys enjoying them. I think I am bi, and what is even more depressing is I am 32 and I am just now figuring this out. I have been unwilling to face the truth for years. And now I must make some tough choices as to where to go from here, what I need to do.
I am a committed follower of Christ, although I fail daily to meet that standard of prayer that I aspire to do. I attend a conservative evangelical church in my community and my beliefs align with what the Bible says. I do believe it. I do believe in God and I trust in faith that God has a plan for me and that I must adhere to His will in my life. I am his servant and I have been so covered in the worldliness around me that I often lose sight of my purpose. The hardest part of who I am is that my belief system will not allow me the luxury of tossing all caution to the wind and act solely on my sexual desires. That is moral depravity, that is sin. Sexual sin is real and I do believe we cannot just do whatever we want.
I think it's clear that the Bible speaks against homosexuality. In church last Sunday it was clear to me that God abhors it from Sodom and Gomorrah to the references to it in 1 Peter. And what have I been doing? Feeding my lust for it. Yes. I go onto xtube and look at videos of guys getting blow jobs and guys in gear masturbating because that is what turns me on. I know that I have a sexual addiction and most of my so called on line friends, if that can even be the right word to call them, are addicted as well. I don't have anyone really that I can turn too. I don't know anyone here well enough to feel comfortable spilling all of this to them and if I talked to my on line friends they don't seem to understand why I can't just be like them. I am in conflict.
I have looked for love in all the wrong places too. Not to keep adding to the litany of my problems, but this is what is on my heart. I call him the "mirage." Jeremy is a guy I met on line that I really liked. He is pretty much straight and that made me feel better, but he is only 19. Anyways one day he is there to chat with me, then the next he is not. I finally got back in touch with him and he said he was in a motorcycle accident. I naturally felt really bad about that, who wouldn't. But I also was so encouraged that there was a reason why he was not there, why he never called me after I asked him to. He offered to call so this was mutual. Well that was last Saturday now, I think, and today is Thursday. He has not been back. Much of what he told me seems somewhat incredible and I wonder if he only does this to make me react, to mess with my heart. Maybe he got sick, is too busy, or just doesn't care, but in any case I think about him a lot because I put such I hope in him. You see he and I share common fetishes, we are into diapers. And he and I were suppose to hang out. He only lives an hour away and I liked him, got along with him and he seemed to have a head on his shoulders--he is very intelligent and has plenty of resources so he would not be stealing from me. (This happened before with another false friend.)
He seemed, for the lack of a better term, "normal" so this is even yet another blow to me. I don't think he is coming back and even if he does I can see the pattern here, he is a mirage, and I doubt he will ever commit to getting to know me. He so reminds me of Chuck, another guy I got to know and really like, but the relationship had a falling out and now he is out of my life for good. I seem to be reliving that all over again, it sucks, its not fair and I keep falling into the same traps. When will I learn?
So what does all of this mean? I have been looking for love, acceptance and friendship in all of the wrong places. I have been looking for it in internet friends. The ephemeral flash in the pan relationships that never last or evolve into awkward reticence. I think I need to learn how to develop healthy relationships and attraction with girls. That is why I need to pick up some books about overcoming homosexuality. I also am hoping to buy a book on overcoming sexual addictions, masturbation, and pornography, which all affect me to some degree. I know I need to make some hard choices. I need to figure out where I am going and what I need to be going with my life. I need god's plan and feel peace in my life that I am doing what is meet and right and so to do. I will try once again to use Amazon to buy these books, I could not get it to work last night and it was beyond frustrating. Ok, I have rambled too much now. More to come soon.
------------Out-----------------
This journal will be raw, it will be my bear bone feelings about my life and what I need to do about it. I am excited because this is a fresh new start for me and an opportunity for me to really work through some of the issues that I am dealing with right now. I am not sure where to begin, so I will just address the things that are on my mind and go from there. I find so often that if I just put my thoughts, feelings, aspirations, and disappointments on paper, or in this case in blog form, I can begin to process what I need to.
So what am I dealing with? Well I am a suffering fetishist. I live two lives, a public life where I deal with a stressful job and try to keep my sanity while doing it, and then I go home to my fetishes and TV. I have tried to learn what to do, how to process this and grow. I am stuck, stuck in my life that is going no where. My career is stable and promising, but apart from my accomplishments, I have had no lasting relationships. I have gone onto eHarmony.com and met girls, but the relationships have gone no where. I lack the zeal, the desire to be with them, to take the plunge and date a girl. I lack this because sexually I lean towards my fetishes and sadly towards other guys enjoying them. I think I am bi, and what is even more depressing is I am 32 and I am just now figuring this out. I have been unwilling to face the truth for years. And now I must make some tough choices as to where to go from here, what I need to do.
I am a committed follower of Christ, although I fail daily to meet that standard of prayer that I aspire to do. I attend a conservative evangelical church in my community and my beliefs align with what the Bible says. I do believe it. I do believe in God and I trust in faith that God has a plan for me and that I must adhere to His will in my life. I am his servant and I have been so covered in the worldliness around me that I often lose sight of my purpose. The hardest part of who I am is that my belief system will not allow me the luxury of tossing all caution to the wind and act solely on my sexual desires. That is moral depravity, that is sin. Sexual sin is real and I do believe we cannot just do whatever we want.
I think it's clear that the Bible speaks against homosexuality. In church last Sunday it was clear to me that God abhors it from Sodom and Gomorrah to the references to it in 1 Peter. And what have I been doing? Feeding my lust for it. Yes. I go onto xtube and look at videos of guys getting blow jobs and guys in gear masturbating because that is what turns me on. I know that I have a sexual addiction and most of my so called on line friends, if that can even be the right word to call them, are addicted as well. I don't have anyone really that I can turn too. I don't know anyone here well enough to feel comfortable spilling all of this to them and if I talked to my on line friends they don't seem to understand why I can't just be like them. I am in conflict.
I have looked for love in all the wrong places too. Not to keep adding to the litany of my problems, but this is what is on my heart. I call him the "mirage." Jeremy is a guy I met on line that I really liked. He is pretty much straight and that made me feel better, but he is only 19. Anyways one day he is there to chat with me, then the next he is not. I finally got back in touch with him and he said he was in a motorcycle accident. I naturally felt really bad about that, who wouldn't. But I also was so encouraged that there was a reason why he was not there, why he never called me after I asked him to. He offered to call so this was mutual. Well that was last Saturday now, I think, and today is Thursday. He has not been back. Much of what he told me seems somewhat incredible and I wonder if he only does this to make me react, to mess with my heart. Maybe he got sick, is too busy, or just doesn't care, but in any case I think about him a lot because I put such I hope in him. You see he and I share common fetishes, we are into diapers. And he and I were suppose to hang out. He only lives an hour away and I liked him, got along with him and he seemed to have a head on his shoulders--he is very intelligent and has plenty of resources so he would not be stealing from me. (This happened before with another false friend.)
He seemed, for the lack of a better term, "normal" so this is even yet another blow to me. I don't think he is coming back and even if he does I can see the pattern here, he is a mirage, and I doubt he will ever commit to getting to know me. He so reminds me of Chuck, another guy I got to know and really like, but the relationship had a falling out and now he is out of my life for good. I seem to be reliving that all over again, it sucks, its not fair and I keep falling into the same traps. When will I learn?
So what does all of this mean? I have been looking for love, acceptance and friendship in all of the wrong places. I have been looking for it in internet friends. The ephemeral flash in the pan relationships that never last or evolve into awkward reticence. I think I need to learn how to develop healthy relationships and attraction with girls. That is why I need to pick up some books about overcoming homosexuality. I also am hoping to buy a book on overcoming sexual addictions, masturbation, and pornography, which all affect me to some degree. I know I need to make some hard choices. I need to figure out where I am going and what I need to be going with my life. I need god's plan and feel peace in my life that I am doing what is meet and right and so to do. I will try once again to use Amazon to buy these books, I could not get it to work last night and it was beyond frustrating. Ok, I have rambled too much now. More to come soon.
------------Out-----------------
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